Discipline

How can I disciplne my 8 year old son?. He will not listen to a word I say. I always try and talk to him like an adult but it does not work, i try and make him understand without shouting...but still his behaivour is awful. He talks back and has an answer for everything. Making us feel bad!!. I have twins girls who are 21months now and it is difficult to focus my attention on him all the time. He needs someone to be with him all the time. I try and structure the day so that when the girls have a nap, we can do things together, but without his cooperation everything will then get delayed and because he will not listen what I have planned for him will not happen.

He has reduced me to tears today through shear frustration...so please can you help me.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Around discipline and limit setting, a little talk goes a long way and you'd do better focusing on action. Read Lynn Clark's book SOS Help for Parents and implement the technique according to his guidelines and you will see improvement (see www.sosprograms.com).

[Uncertain328]

I used to be a nanny, and although I know that's not the same as parenting, I always found that talking to them rationally (no matter what age) and offering some sort of consequence always worked best with some of my more difficult kids. For instance, I had a little girl who used to throw temper tantrums randomly for no reason. So I would get close to her, make eye contact, and speak very slowly and sternly and say something like, "Kim, if you don't stop crying, then we won't be able to have fun or (insert activity- like watch a movie or play hide and seek)." She would almost instantly stop crying and get up from the ground. Kids like rewards, and when they realize that negative behavior will prohibit those privelages, they'll usually stop.

If you follow through on the consequences and maintain consistency, especially if you always have a certain look or tone of voice when you do this, you'll be even more successful, because after a while you won't even need to say anything or repeat yourself--he'll just know what "that look" means or that "that tone of voice" means you're serious!

Perhaps you should even let him know in advance what the consequences will be, before his bad behavior kicks in, and then he'll know what to expect. Like, "Johnny, if you behave well today/this week/listen to Mommy, you can pick out a video game/movie at Blockbuster on Friday." Or, "If you don't listen to Mom, then you'll have to go sit in timeout and you won't be able to use the TV or play with your toys for (insert period of time)." I've also heard many times that charts to track behavior work very well also, because then the kids can actually SEE themselves work towards that ultimate goal at the end of the day or the week.  You can make these charts/contracts yourself or can buy them at stores like Office Depot. There's also a website that allows you to print them off for free and they have a variety of different ones for specific or more general behaviors at: www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com They'll also provide some better ideas and uses as well.

It could also be that he's jealous of the attention his sisters get and feels displaced by their presence. I know it's probably hard with 3 kids, but maybe you could find a day to spend time all together (bringing the babies along when you bring him to the museum or beach), or just the two of you could do something together for one day or a few hours. Or you could use that as a reward as well, by saying something like, "If you can be good until your sisters go to sleep then we can play any game you want or do whatever you want then." Or, maybe you could include him in helping to take care of the babies., so he feels special or important.

When I was 4 and my brother was an infant, my mom would make me help her change my brother's diaper or feed him, and after seeing how annoying it was the first time I would be sure to run and hide everytime the diapers came out after that. haha So I guess that was a good way to get me out of her hair. And if I was ever being loud or woke my brother up from his nap, my mom would say, "It just took me three hours to get him sleep, now you have to go back in there and put him to sleep again." So I would go in and sit next to his crib and sing until he fell asleep again, all the while thinking that I would never make that mistake again! haha

Good luck and I hope you find something helpful!