Disruptive and challenges authority figures

[Ellentau]

After 4 consecutive days of ignoring his teachers requests in class and being disciplined at home for it ( no tv and toys removed from his room) he behaved in class on the 5th day and was allowed to go play outside during recess on school playground only to find him playing alone with feces and having smeared it all over his clothes. He is going to be six years old the end of April . Last year he was at a different school and was removed for repeated incidents of hitting teacher and hurting other children. He was a year and a half when removed from his parents due to domestic violence and has been living with an aunt and uncle since so not to be placed in foster care. I am his grandmother and he is so loving to me when he is in my care usually every other weekend but gets very very moody when he has to go back to his home. I feel guilty since he has wanted me to keep him permanently but I live in a senior citizen community and he is not allowed to live with me only visit. What can this behavior mean :( heartbroken

[jemma116]

A child psychologist may be a better option to find out his inner problems that are bothering him.

Child psychologists are trained to get to the route of the child's behaviour.  This is very important to be able to understand the cause to be able to know in which way to further help the child to stop doing what he is.

I have come across this situation before and it is very unpleasant for  all concerned.  There was no need for behavioural and cognitive therapy as I gave the parents advice with regard to how to treat the child.

In this case, the child was the eldest (aged 9) with young siblings and he perceived that he was not being treated fairly and being denied love and attention that the younger children were receiving.  The situation resolved once the child received what he was yearning for - love, affection (that was shown properly) and the right type of attention from his parents.  

Shouting and denying the child his toys and banning him from doing certain things, did not help.  It aggravated the situation even more.

[RockRose]

The big picture here,  is this child is facing a very very rough road ahead.  

It sounds to me he got such a bumpy start in life that he probably has a form of reactive attachment disorder,  in which case he really doesn't care what adults think about him.  

This goes beyond getting him to behave in a classroom setting - he needs behavioral and cognitive therapy.

Is he currently getting any kind of therapy?

[Sandman2]

   First, no 5 year old should be denied recess.  It is something they need.  Second, it sounds like he is in first grade.  If so, he is very, very young.  In most states  kids must be 6 by sept. or oct to be in first grade.  I say this because you said he was in a different school last year.  Of course, it could have been pre-school?  Point being, if he is in first grade, that is part of the problem.  No state allows a child to be in first grade with a birthday in April or later.  So, guessing he is in K?
    And definitely Yes to what specialmom said,  You do NOT discipline a 5 year old at home for what they did in school.   There is a lot that needs to happen here and a good place to start is with the school district.

[specialmom]

I agree. Do not discipline him for this (as disciplining a child of that age AFTER the incident and at home after school does not work to change behavior.  It needs to be immediate).

His playing with feces and other issues sound neurological and psychological in nature.  He needs a full evaluation for both of these.  good ulck

[jemma116]

I would interpret his behaviour as being psychological.

He is very unhappy and is not able to communicate verbally his unhappiness.  He has had an unstable lifestyle without stability and routine.

He clearly is very unhappy about going back to his uncle and aunt.  There is something not right there.  Perhaps they are not treating him with love and affection as you are.  

It may also be that he is missing his parents very much, albeit that they were violent.  Children blame themselves when parents split up or see arguments and violence.  This has affected him quite badly.

Have a talk with his aunt and uncle to see how things are there.  Tell them that they need to show love and affection to the child, do things with him like read bedtime stories, take him to the park, routine bath and bedtimes around 7.30pm for his age group.  8pm he should be in bed.

When he is with you next, talk with him and ask him about what he does with his aunt and uncle, what is making him unhappy, does he have friends at school and what are their names, what does he like about the classroom or what he doesn't like;  who does he plays with, what lessons he enjoys at school.  Be careful how you ask him questions, don't make it appear as if you are quizzing him, but do it as if in general chit chat.  Don't ask questions that would give response answers as a yes or no.  You want to find out what he does, so you could ask, "What did you do today?", "How did you feel?"

Does the aunt and uncle have any other children?  If so, he may not feel part of the family.

Ask the aunt and uncle to find out from his teachers about his behaviour at school and how he is setting in, does he have any little friends.  Children can also feel very hurt when other children talk about their mum and dad, and he does not live or know about them any more.  Do his parents send him any communication cards or phone him up?  He may be yearning to be with his mother.

Once he is happy and feels secure and stable with whowever looks after him, this behaviour will stop.

The reason he does not want to go away from you is because is feels secure with you and is getting the love and affection from you.  It is a good thing that you are there for him, albeit for a short time.

Best wishes.