Does our fighting make our daughter have signs of ADHD?
Two years ago, my husband purchased a small farm 1/2 hour away. He now lives there because of all the animals that are there and the fact that they need daily attention. Our daughter (8yrs. old now), was diagnosed with ADHD last June. My husband and I constantly fight about everything under the sun and our daughter hears most of the fights. I am angry with him, because I feel like a single parent- like I was with my now 25 year old. He says that she does not have ADHD, but that I do not discipline her like I didn't my older daughter. She was diagnosed as Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
I come from a physically abusive and dysfunctional family of my own. I have been now re diagnosed with personality disorder and not bipolar, but also depression. I feel like a failure with both of my daughter's and find it difficult to get through a day. I talked to my husband this morning, but he just continues to state that she needs to be spanked and that will solve the problems.
My 8 year olds' psychologist is worried that she has no friends in school compared to last year. She is on Concerta, but I am not sure that it is really affective.
I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel that I am at wits end.
Hm. Well, it certainly doesn't help the situation at all. It models an unhappy household for your daughter. She sees the relationship you have with her dad and internalizes this to represent marriage. She also sees you handling things poorly and openly fighting in front of her. This is very very damaging to a child.
I would seek therapy for yourself to get better control over your impulse to show your anger openly in front of anyone who is around and to work through your emotions of anger to your husband. Perhaps the two of you can also consider marriage therapy if you care to save this and do right by your kids.
Yes, it is indeed damaging to fight in front of kids regularly and yes it indeed conributes to anxiety and behavior issues. It won't cause a diagnosis of add/adhd but it will make the disorder harder to deal with and in the long run cause great stress and damage to your daughter. good luck
What specialmom says is certainly correct.
It is also important to learn how to deal with a child with ADHD. Its very different than working with a child without that doctors diagnosis. And I can guarantee you that spanking will not solve any of the problems and will in fact only make it worse.
I am also the CL on the ADHD forum - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175 and have a lot of resources available that can help you if you have the need. I would highly suggest that you buy the book - "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley. Its about 10 bucks on Amazon. It has a ton of stuff that can help.
Also, check out this site - http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about/what/WWK1 - it has a ton of good info on ADHD which you need to know about and I think will find helpful to share with your husband.
By the way his attitude reminds me a lot of other adults I have seen who themselves had ADHD and toughed it out. Anyway, its a good chance that someone in your family has it because of the strong genetic link.
Hope some of these help! And feel free to post over on the ADHD site if you need more info.
Growing up under certain conditions may make it appear that the kid has ADHD without having it. Attachment problems or disorders may show similar symptoms like ADHD and Autism spectrum disorders, and the doctor need to evaluate all factors to make a right diagnosis. It is so impossible to say if she has ADHD or not, but she should be evaluted both for ADHD and attachment problems or disorders.
Besides the great advice and information you have been given, I just wanted to add something.
Your story hits home for me. I too grew up in a pretty abusive dysfunctional household where I witnessed constant fighting. It was awful and had a profound effect on me well into adulthood. I am now a mother of a 3 year old, and have to work very very hard not to do what I saw. I went through intensive and long term therapy and it made such a difference in my life, and now I feel I can be the mother I so badly want to be. I still suffer from anxiety, but am continuing to work on that.
I share this with you because the best thing you can do for your child (whether she is ADHD or not) is to work on you. Stabalize your life and your emotions so you can be the parent you want to be. It's hard work and the therapy is not always easy, but you can do it. I did and I am so glad I did. Your choices are to either pass on what you grew up with to your child (I don't mean to be harsh, but it does sound a bit like that is what is happening) or take control of the situation and get help. There is no shame in it, and you can break that cycle for good. Best of luck to you, I truly and honestly wish you well.
Thank you for your comments and advice. I am starting anger management help at the universities' clinic. I feel that this is the only way that I can stay sane. I think that divorce is the next step for me, unless he is willing to go to counseling. This year my daughter has had a difficult time in school and even her psychologist is concerned. I hope that I can get help, before our daughter is ruined and sees only bad things in all relationships.
Thank you all again.
Glad to see that you are getting help for yourself. Keep in mind that I can recommend several sites or books that can help you help your daughter (if she does have ADHD). Feel free to post anytime here if you need more info
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