Door locking and controlling behaviors in stepson

[KarDar]

I am recently married (almost 4 months) and have a stepson who just turned 9 ("SS9"). His mother left when he was 4 or 5, but she calls every day. He sees her a couple of times a year. When he does visit her, she lets him sleep in her bed with her (she doesn't provide a separate bed for him), and this makes him feel safe and special -- and can make him sad when he comes home. However, he does sleep on his own here and has done so for quite a while. His last visit with his mother was several months ago.

SS9 has a lot of rituals that I believe mask or arise out of worries.

SS9 took some tests and met with some mental health people about a year and a half ago, and was found to have some mild anxiety at that time.  I think the teacher who recommended the testing wondered about OCD, but he was not diagnosed with OCD back then.  His current teacher hasn't noticed anything concerning.

My biggest concern is that SS9 is now locking the bedroom door behind us every night as we leave his room because he is afraid that burglars will come in to "take his things". He told me once that he locks and unlocks the door "9 times" after we go.

He didn't advertise this concern about burglars to us in an "I'm frightened, take care of me" kind of way. He really didn't seem to want to talk about it at all. He just started locking the door in a ritualistic way. Now he lets us know he will be locking the door every night, but I cannot tell if this is a "you can't control me" thing or if he wants to talk about it.

I only found he was worried about burglars because one night I just asked him "you know, I sometimes wonder if you are worried about bedtime--you seem to have a lot of things you need to do every night."  (I was actually thinking about the "arranging of the pillow" and the "testing of the pillow" and the "arranging of the animals" and the "arranging of the tissue box").  In response, he started talking about locking and unlocking the door 9 times (I hadn't known about the 9 times) and defending his need to do this because of burglars.

My husband ignores a lot of his little rituals (often because to even ask about them sparks a control battle) but we both feel uncomfortable with the door locking and have tried to convince him he doesn't need to worry about burglars. The thing is--what can we do if he just locks it after we leave?  Fire is unlikely--but it's not completely outside the realm of possibility.

I reminded him that the other doors to the house are locked, we're in a safe neighborhood, and there is a security system.  He said--well they could break through.  I tried to remind him that he might want us to be able to come in if he were sick or had a bad dream--but he insisted he could just unlock the door.

When we try to talk about things like this, his response is usually something like "this is MY way--this is the way I LIKE to do things."  Reassurance doesn't seem to do anything. Sometimes he treats the conversation as a major insult to his personality. Talking about it almost makes it worse--it cements his commitment to it for awhile and he'll make sure YOU KNOW he's doing it for days. (Or perhaps he's hoping for a repeat dose of attention or reassurance?)

At his age, should we go along with most of his rituals (to build his feelings of security), or should we be trying to wean him off his "need" for the rituals and the nightlight?

He brings the cat into the bathroom most nights when he showers because it's "too lonely" to take a shower alone. Recently, I suggested he put a CD on so he wouldn't feel lonely, but he said that wouldn't work. I asked him what the worst thing that could happen would be if he took his shower alone. He said "what if I fall down in the tub and hurt myself and you have to come in and I'm naked?" Granted, his dad was gone that night he worried about falling--so maybe this worry isn't related to the daily cat-catching for shower companionship. He DOES insist he's too lonely without the cat (or dad). He stopped taking baths and insists on taking showers--I'm not sure where the "falling down" worry came from.

I am suspicious a lot of these rituals really aren't as "fun" for him as other adults seem to think (I think his dad just thinks the cat thing is cute)--but at the same time it's hard for me to really tell the difference between his "unique personality" and his anxieties. I also can't tell if it's a compulsion--or a control battle with us as parents.

The past 2-3 times we've gone to visit his great-aunt at the nursing home, he finds the weekly menu and begins reading it out loud to us.  He pauses if anyone dares to interrupt him, and then the minute there is a lull he resumes reading the menu to us right where he left off (glaring a bit at the "misbehavior" of the adults who interrupted him). He reads the menu because "that's what I do."  The great-aunt just interrupts him at will, but it was even starting to bother HER.  I tried to talk to SS9 --saying "this is group conversation time--and we all want to take turns talking with each other--we want you to talk with us, too."  He glared at us.  His dad asked him to please stop, and he glared at his dad and then proceed to finish reading the menu out loud. His dad told him later as we were leaving that he wasn't supposed to do that. SS9 chastised my husband for hurting his feelings and interrupting.

When I am teaching him how to do something he does NOT know how to do he will start correcting me and expect me to do it the "right" way.

He will invent new ways to do a lot of things, and then he will act insulted if you question him. I thought he was joking when he came out of the bathroom with several tissues shoved up his nostril.  I giggled and said "that's an interesting way to blow your nose" and he accused me of "making fun of him" and "calling him names." He said "this is my way to blow my nose."  He sort of shoves it up and then I hear this strange repetitive sniffing for awhile. He must do this every morning, because he sniffs like that in the bathroom all the time.

He is very bright, perceptive, and creative. Adults nearly always notice this and are impressed by him (he is always at his most charming with new adults). He has lots of interests. He tends to be a collector (purchased rocks, planes, books, cars), arranger (bedtime pillow, dishes at table, holiday decorations), and hoarder (found rocks, used cups, straws, and juice boxes)--though not much of an organizer or cleaner. He saves jackets and shoes that are too small because he likes them and does not want to get rid of them.

Sometimes if you are trying to "correct him" --whether it's homework or his chapped skin--he'll run away or go "la-la-la-la-la" so he can't hear you or do everything he can to change the subject to something charming an completely unrelated. It must be THAT PAINFUL for him to be corrected in even the slightest way. Yesterday, he went "la-la-la" at me when I was trying to tell him something --and then he said "I don't know why I just did that (referring to the la-la-las)".

Questions:
1. Would you let him lock the door at night? If not, how do we talk to him about it? What if he refuses to change?
2. What kind of outside help--if any--do you recommend for SS9 --and/or for me as the new stepmom in this situation?
3.  Is "going along with him" the best thing to do to build security--or does it reinforce his belief that he "needs" all these special things to be happy and safe?
4. Is it better to let him blow his nose funny, wear ties to school, and do things "his way"--even when I worry he might be teased?

[momagain59]

I would get another evaluation from a child psychiatrist. Maybe he did have mild anxiety before but it has either progressed since then or they were dead wrong. I would not argue with him about anything that can be ignored until after the evaluation. I don't think this child can help what he is doing. Maybe he needs medication. I would hate to feel the way he probaly does. Have you read any information about OCD? Be sure to keep track of his behaviors so you can tell the Dr.

[margypops]

I think this little boy should have more input from his birth mother and perhaps his Dad should have a word to make that happen, twice a year is not enough and of course he feels lonely,and upset when he comes home from her, and thats when he could use a lot of attention and love, focus on his positive side,

[jdtm]

Actually, I though of Asperger's when I read the posting but the information so reminded me of my friend's daughter - it started with the locking of the door and then OCD - that I probably over-reacted.  But, there's more here than just high-functioning autism - the anxiety component is greater than is being acknowledged and that needs to be treated.  He was quite young when tested the first time and BPD would not "rear its ugly head" until the teen years (if not later) and there are some "signs" of this disorder (of course, these "signs" are also found in other issues).  It also appears that the anxiety level of this child is increasing (as is common with OCD or GAD).  As for the rituals - not sure - professional help could be able to instruct whether allowing rituals would "enable" the child (or at least how to react), but OCD is a very difficult and serious anxiety disorder.  And since the poster did say "controlling behaviors", then it appears this issue is interfering with this child's life.  That alone is reason that professional help should be sought if only for advice re the questions and how to deal with the rituals.

I hope I did not scare the poster - that was not the intent - this posting hit 'too close to home".  Thanks for reigning in my overly zealous answer.  

[RockRose]

JD,  I usually agree with what you say,  I really don't see that in this child.  He's got some rituals,  he handles them,  and he's going to be a little quirky.   I don't think he sounds at all like BPD.

[RockRose]

He sounds like he is brushed with Aspergers,  and also he has the gift of charming adults - which doesn't always come with Aspergers.   I suspect peer relationships are much harder for him than new adult relationships.

Absolutely I would let him keep locking his door.  Just as I wouldn't tell you you shouldn't lock your car or house because it's highly unlikely anyone will break in,  people feel the need to do it.  He needs this,  and it's MUCH better that he take care of his needs rather than just run crying for help and suggestions because he's scared.  He's handling it.  I know people who lock their doors during the day - and even lock to walk to the mailbox across the street.  Who knows why they need this,  but they do,  and in fact it's common.

I would also let him blow his nose anyway he wants.

I wouldn't let him wear ties to school.   I sense he will struggle with fitting in anyway,  no need to make yourself look very odd.

Best wishes with him.  He sounds like a very bright,  interesting kid.

[jdtm]

I'm not going to answer your questions because I do not know the answers. However, a friend's daughter behaved almost the same way as your SS9 when she was a teenager - the first red flag was putting a padlock on her bedroom door) .  She was later diagnosed with OCD (this is an anxiety disorder), depression, anorexia and today, I believe, she also suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.  BPD is a very severe personality disorder and wrecks havoc with one's life - you can google the phrase to read more about this disorder.  I see "signs" that this might be an issue later in his life.  One more question - does his bio-mother suffer from any mental health issues?  (my guess is that she does)

My advice - run, don't walk to the best child psychiatrist you can afford.  He is only nine years old and there should be time to "save" him.  Our friend's daughter did not get help until she was in her 30's - she is still alive today (survived suicide) but she leads a difficult and painful life.