Emotional Help

Should I tell my son the truth about his paternity and if so then about what age??? My son is 7 now and lives with me and his step-father whom he knows is his step-father.. The problem is the man he knows as his daddy and visits with twice a month is not his biological father.. The biological father was abusive to me and when i was 3 months pg i left him and wrote him a letter lying to him that i had cheated and that it was not his and that i was marrying the man who was the daddy..This was the decision me and the man my son knows as daddy came too when i was pg. so now years later his dad has him in the same position we were trying to save him from.. His daddy is witth a woman who is abusive and bipolar and confrontational and does not want him to be the daddy anymore and most definately does not want him to pay child support anymore..now we fight all the time and she tries to make him choose between her and their son and our son.. I have also recently found out that the biological father is tryin to find me but i'm not sure at what cost.. Not sure exactly what he is wanting or if he would want to be daddy to my son. but i was trying to save him from abusive behaviors from his real father who has other children and would love him--  so my thinking is why not tell the truth now if his so called daddy cant or wont protect him anymore from this same behavior.. to me it does not matter if it is a woman doing it or a man it is still constant  turmoil and fights and ugly situatuions and this woman wants to tell my son. I am sure when she gets in one of her rants my son has probably already heard her screams and taunts and has to know how this woman feels about him,..She has also said that she will not lie to her own son who is 1 now so one day this little boy is going to tell my son he's not really your daddy --. please help me.. what is best for my son and his emotional state at 7.. He is very smart and ahead for his age.  should i open this book now or later or never???????

[AnnieBrooke]

You should be the one to tell your son, not someone in a fight.  However, you have more pressing things to deal with right now, primary among them being the fight over child- support money.  If you address that, you might not need to tell your son about his supposed dad not being his dad right away.  

You really aren't due child support by the man your son thinks is his dad.  It was frankly very nice of him to give it for so long, since neither legally nor morally was he obliged to.  So, as graciously as possible (telling him how much you appreciated that he paid it in the past), drop the issue.  If the main reason his wife is so furious is the money, maybe that will ease the fighting.  Your son does not even need to know any of that, if the man he thinks is his dad still wants to see him and have him in his life.  If his wife will put up with the child being in the man's life, they should still see each other, either as usual or on a reduced schedule if her resentment is also about the time they spend together.  It's not all about the money, it's about the emotional connection between the child and the man.

To recap, let the child-support issue go, now.  Be gracious to the man who paid it all these years and thank him.  Try to make some kind of schedule so he can still see your son either as accustomed or at least on occasion, since your son will miss him otherwise.  

As for the issue of his biological father, that's another area.  When you do tell your son that the man he thought was his dad is not really his dad, whether you tell him now or later, he will naturally want to know who is his biological dad.  You can very simply say that he was abusive to you, and when you were three months pregnant, you left him.  You don't need to say much more except to answer your son's questions.  (He'll probably wonder what the guy looks like, so if you have a photo, have it ready.)  Don't badmouth the guy more than just to say he was abusive, or you'll run the risk of making it look like you're trying to make him sound awful just to keep your son from being interested, rather than like you're simply telling the truth.  If the guy happens to be looking for you now, I'd be ready for him to appear, but would not be interested in trying to let them meet or anything, and I wouldn't be in a hurry to reveal to him that the boy is biologically his.  That is for your kid to handle when he is 18, 21, or at whatever other adult point he wants to bother.  But not now.  

What age your son should be when you tell him this, depends on how everything works out with the screaming wife of your ex, and also on how mature your son is.  If the story gets spilled by her, there's no more waiting.  If she will put a cork in it, I would tell the boy when he's 10.  7 seems a bit young to me.  Kids don't need to grow up *that* fast.