Hi, I'm so pleased I have found your story. My daughter is 7 1/2 and acts almost the same as your daughter. She constantly shows off and requires attention. Doesn't listen to the word 'no', even if she has offered someone a sweet, she will insist that they have one. She forces herself onto whoever she is seeking attention from! When we have guests or her brother has a friend round, she just walks into his room several times to gain attention. I have tried speaking to her before and after guests and times when she may act like this. She says that she will behave but can't help herself. She has always been hard to handle and always needs to be busy and gets bored in 5 minutes flat. She alienates her friends cos she is so clingy, rarely gets invited to parties and we, as a family find her very annoying! This shouldn't be.
I have considered that she has some kind of personality disorder. She is very intelligent, however apart from occasionally not listening at school, she is well behaved most of the time in class. She is very tiring and I'm worried that if she doesn't change now, she will find it very hard to have the right social skills as an adult. Plus she is building herself a reputation for being a brat or an annoying person and will lose what friends she has now. I'm wondering if to take her to a GP to refer her for help but it's getting them to listen that this isn't a stage she is going through. Also, her Dad and I aren't together and he feeds her attention seeking and doesn't listen to me. (I might add, she is very happy at home with her step-dad and I) Reading your story about your daughter has made me feel like I'm not so alone, so thank you x
Whoops, you are absolutely right. Thanks for the info. I will do some more reading of the subject.
Personality disorders are far more difficult to treat than anxiety disorders. OCD is one of the anxiety disorders and although it might be co-morbid with a personality disorder, they are not the same. An example of a personality disorder would be BPD (borderline personality disorder). There are others - if you google the phrase "personality disorders" you will be able to find them.
Personality disorders are long-term patterns of thoughts and behaviors that cause serious problems with relationships and work. People with personality disorders have difficulty dealing with everyday stresses and problems. They often have stormy relationships with other people. In addition, they tend to feel entitled and are very self-centered - the world revolves around them. New research today indicates a pattern of thought that originates from a deficit in the brain's structure although the medical community will state personality disorders result from both environmental and genetic causes. Frankly, I think the genetic component is by far the greater influence. One more point - there is hope in the mental health field that if a child is properly treated as early as possible, the future will be much more promising. Hope this clears up the misconception ...
I posted the above and then saw that Myenzoorka had published as I was writing. I agree with the list a lot. I had the privilege to work with a lot of very intelligent kids and the list is spot on for many of them. And, of course, is why I wrote what I did.
At first I thoughts among the lines of jdtm and looked up OCD symptoms as the logical choice, but it didn't fit very well. So re-read your post a few more times. By the way, from the effort you put into the post, I can tell you are worried.
Personal opinion is that it may be more a factor of intelligence, sibling rivalry, and a bit of being spoiled. The trouble with being a really intelligent kid (and it sounds like she is), is that they problem solve so fast. As a little girl, her brother being 6 years older, was able to do many things she could not. Being intelligent you start trying various ways to get what you want. A method that works quite well for cute little girls is, being "quite bossy, over dramatic, and loud." Doesn't take a lot of effort and is kind of a by product of the screaming to get attention mode. May not be what happened, but sharp kids will figure out what gets results and really without thinking use that method. And because they are intelligent, they use the system really, really well - because it works for them (and its all they have learned how to use). Most of your post seemed to deal with her not getting her way, and then reacting to get her way.
The question asking problem puzzled me, but asking questions is one way of getting attention and is a learned response. Adults just naturally stop what they are doing when asked a question and pay attention. Of course, it could just be that she has a very inquisitive mind.
So what to do? Hopefully, my guess as to her behavior is correct, and its not some problem like jdtm suggests. I do think that part of this will cease as she matures and becomes aware of what people think about her. Once again her intelligence should allow her to make changes. The other thing is to not allow her behavior to work. Don't reward bad behavior. Its not that what's she doing is necessarily bad as in a premeditated sense. This is more a learned behavior and it can be unlearned. Don't allow negative attention getting. Ignore as much as possible, and give her ways to communicate what she wants. If her behavior gets excessive, give her timeouts until she cools down, and then do give her alternative ways to achieve her goals.
Realize it will take her some time to figure out you mean what you say and that things are going to change. Therefore you have to be really consistent. I would pick just one or two things to really work on and consistently work on that. Probably one thing to work on is the, "I want it right now." The answer is, "you will get it in an hour, and if you make a big deal about it - you not only won't get it, you will get an immediate timeout." And then consistently followup. Experts have said that it can take up to 28 days to have a behavior change, so don't expect it overnight. She will try and problem solve her way around your attempts - just make sure she chooses the right solution!
By the way, this has to be a united front. She will quickly play you off against your husband. So make sure that he understands what is happening
The good thing about intelligent kids is that they usually can adapt quicker to new situations, but it also means you have to try and stay one jump ahead of them.
The friendship problem is age old. Happens all the time, and I am not really sure of a easy way to deal with it. Except that it should not interfere with your lives.
By the way, I don't mean to suggest that you have not been disciplining her! I am sure that she is a "good" kid. Does not steal, swear, etc. Its just that I think that quite possibly she has been training you as you have been training her.
Anyway, that's what I suspect. Hope it makes sense. Even if I am partially wrong, the techniques listed above should help on some of the problems. And if I am right, will help on a lot. Maturation will also help to some extent. Good luck!
Oops - if your parenting tactics AREN'T 100% identical across the board...