Extreme separation anxiety affecting sleep

I have a five yr-old son who has had sleep problems his whole life.  He has always been very wakeful and has a hard time falling asleep.  For this reason, I have always had him sleeping with me - as it was the only way either one of us could stay in the bed at night and get somewhat uninterrupted sleep.  His sleep habits have evolved in different ways over time, and in the past year or two he still was having some difficulty falling asleep initially and would partially wake during the night to yell out 'mommy' and grab my ears (comfort thing he's done since he was a baby).  I started giving him melatonin at bedtime about a year ago to help him fall asleep and regulate his body.  It has helped immensely and he was getting to the point where he was falling asleep quickly and sleeping well on most nights . . . although he was still in the bed with me.  I married recently and of course, we began working on having him sleep in his own bed.  He did fairly well at first, at least with the initial bedtime routine.  He handled it emotionally much better than I thought he would.  BUT, he was waking up multiple times a night and coming to my room.  I understood this was a hard habit to break and kept at the routine, putting him back in bed each time. Some nights he was waking up seven times or more, and as he began to get less sleep, his anxiety was increasing overall.  We have been dealing with this for three months now and his problems at night have us all stressed to the max.  He now panics if I don't hold his hand until he falls asleep each night and still wakes up over and over again to come to my room.  I have come to the conclusion that his sleep problems are not really sleep problems, but separation anxiety.  Although he does have some sleep problems outside of the anxiety, the melatonin was addressing this and he was sleeping well while in the bed with me.  He has ALWAYS had extreme separation anxiety -- even before I got married and started putting him in his own bed.  He always wants to know where I'm at, panics if he can't find me in the house, wants me to tell him if I'm going to another room . . . He also does this with other caregivers.  My mom can't take laundry upstairs while she is keeping him without him getting upset, you can't get out to pump gas unless you leave the car door open and the window down . . .  His separation anxiety is amplified at night and is creating ongoing sleep problems that haven't been alleviated by anything I've tried.  He is a stressed-out, anxious child in general and has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  He most likely has Aspergers, but we have not had the money to have him fully evaluated.  Right now, the sleep problems are causing the most damage to him - and our entire household.  I need help!


This discussion is related to EXTREME Separation Anxiety.

[AnnieBrooke]

If she does not see this, you might send a private message to specialmom.  She is the goddess of Sensory Processing Disorder on this site.

[jdtm]

Aspergers - maybe, probably not.  I suspect you are seeing a severe form of anxiety - whether it is separation anxiety or not is irrelevant.  How is school? - I would suspect major problems here (and also eating issues, toileting issues, social issues, temper tantrums as well as sleeping issues).  These are all "part and parcel" of anxiety.  In addition, most children with severe anxiety tend to have sensory issues (although the sensory part is secondary to the anxiety part - in other words, conquer the anxiety, most of the sensory issues will disappear).  I might suggest you first google phrases as "separation anxiety and children" or "behaviors of anxiety in children" or similar words/phrases to become more familiar with this disorder.  Anxiety is not the same as being "anxious" or "nervous"; it is a physical (as well as a mental and an emotional) overreaction of the brain to certain stimulii (in your son's case, he is scared to be left alone).

Our child suffers from severe anxiety.  Today she is doing well.  Your first "stop" should be your son's pediatrician; if he/she is unable to help you, then ask for a referral to a medical mental health specialist as a child neurologist or child psychiatrist, preferably with experience in anxiety disorders.  Treatment is often multi-modal but is very effective and improvement can be seen quite quickly (assuming the correct treatment is used).  If anxiety is the issue, I assure you that your son will not outgrow it nor will it go away.  However, anxiety is very common and the prognosis with proper treatment is excellent.  I wish the best for you and your son ....

[AREnglish]

Thanks for your thoughts.  I say Aspergers because he displays several other textbook traits.  And as you are probably aware, sleep problems, anxiety, and SPD are also all highly related to Aspergers.  Of course, in young children many symptoms overlap and it's hard to tell exactly what you are dealing with.  The anxiety is definitely there, regardless.  I've always thought that if I could conquer his sleep issues, many of the other symptoms would dissipate.  When he gets good sleep consistently, he is a much different and happier child with less anxiety.  However, it's kind of like which comes first - the chicken or the egg?  It's a vicious cycle where anxiety affects his ability to sleep, and his lack of sleep increases his anxiety, which in turn affects his ability to sleep . . . .

I have an appointment with his pediatrician as a starting point.  I'm just concerned because I know this is a mental health issue and his insurance (crappy policy provided by his dad) doesn't have any mental health coverage.  I couldn't even get his physical/ occupational therapy covered for his SPD because of the diagnosis code.  I also live in a rural area where there are NOT many good mental health providers who have knowledge or expertise in specialized areas, particularly related to pediatrics.  I feel like doctors nowdays know how to pop out prescriptions for Prozac or Xanax to their broad patient base of typically afflicted adults, but they don't have the concern or motivation to really get to know a child in order to work through their individual issues for customized treatment and REAL results.