Extremely shy or selective mute?

Hi,
Would like some advice.....  My son is 3 1/2, almost 4.  He has been in preschool since he just turned 3, so this is actually his second year now.  His teacher has mentioned to me that he does not want to speak to her and that when he does, he usually whispers.  He has always been kind of clingy in new and social situations and usually wants mommy to do everything with him.  He tends to take a long time to warm up to things or new people.  However, i never thought much about it and figured he would just outgrow this.  Now I'm starting to get a little concerned, as I am reading alot of the symptoms of selective mutism and they seem to kind of apply to him.  However, it's only been a couple of weeks in school with this new teacher- not even a month yet.  So I'm wondering if I'm jumping the gun here.  I never really heard from his PK teacher last year that he had these concerns.  Some other things that are occuring that i have read can oc-occur with selective mutism is refusal to go the bathroom or to  eat and he is doing all these things as well.  The eating, he'll have some better days than others and will on occasion  eat, however, the bathroom forget it!  With the eating though, he is just as bad at home, so it doesn't strike me as too odd for him.  I would really appreciate any advice.  

[jdtm]

The difference between "shy" and "selective mutism" is function.  Can your son eat in public places?  Can he use the washroom in public places?  Can he ask for help at school or other public places?  Can he initiate a conversation or play with his peers?  Does he show tendencies towards temper tantrums or frustrations?  Shy children can do all of these things; selectively mute children can do only some or none.

Your post indicates (to me) that your son is not totally functioning at school but it does appear that he has not "shut down" as in some selectively mute children.  There is an excellent book that I think might help you to intervene so that your son might be able to learn how to manage his fears/stresses/anxieties without medical help.  It is called "The Ideal Classroom Setting for the Selectively Mute Child" by Dr. Elisa Shipon-Blum which can be ordered on-line at "selectivemutism.org" under the Resources section.  There are additional books which might be of help as he gets older, but I feel this is the best place to start.  Hope this helps ...

[tiredbuthappy]

i have worked with selective mutes who function perfectly in school aside from speaking. they used the bathroom as needed, and communicated their needs by pointing, gesturing, etc...

selective mutism is not a one size fits all thing. there are varying degrees, and it takes different children different amounts of time to get to different stages. and the stages are different for all children. one girl i know went until june without speaking to anyone at all in school. a big breakthrough for her came in may when she finally laughed out loud. after that point she would laugh all day, as if testing out her "voice" in that setting. a month later i heard her go "sshhh" to someone, and finally she said "no" to someone as the year came to an end. all this time she was happy and eagerly followed her peers around. she loved school, but being an anxious child (her mother was also very clearly an anxious person) her anxiety manifested itself in her being unable to speak. Another little girl was able to make animal noises and would laugh out loud, but never spoke that year. She also functioned well in school.

you don't have to worry about "jumping the gun." it sounds like he definitely has some anxiety problems. speaking to the teacher or a pediatrician about the possibility of selective mutism will not stick him with a label that will follow him throughout his life. it will however encourage modifications to be made to help him ease his anxieties. often, children outgrow it with help and support. in my class right now is a girl who i feared would have SM because she did not speak to anyone but 2 children for the first 3 weeks. However, she has since started to respond to teachers when we are one on one, so i think she is adjusting. In other cases, the child never spoke that year. For example, the girl who didn't laugh out loud until May. She gradually became very happy and comfortable, but for her it seemed almost as if she feared how the children would react if she finally spoke. They all simply took it as a fact that she didn't speak. It was habit/routine for her to not speak. i think this is why she explored with laughing first- to see their reactions. anyways, i guess the point to this is that if i were you, i would follow up with the teacher for more info. (By the way, many of the teachers that i have worked with are unaware of SM. You may have to educate the teacher or provide the term if she seems unfamiliar)

[jdtm]

worked with selective mutes who function perfectly in school aside from speaking.


If they do not speak; then they do not function.  I know of a sm child who fell at recess and broke his arm.  He could not tell anyone until he got home and then told his parents.  Another sm child I know got "caught" in the deep end of a pool and was unable to yell for "help"; luckily someone spotted her before disaster struck.  Another sm child I know was on a field trip and the teacher asked the class to "sit down".  She sat on an ant hill but was unable to move and thus received many bites to her bottom.  Another sm child I know (two children, in fact) got on the wrong bus - one a school bus and the other a city bus; they were not able to speak nor were they able to move from their seat. In times of distress; not being able to speak is equivalent to not being able to function and safety is always a big concern for our children.

And yes, as they become more able to "manage their fears/anxieties/stress" and speak in various environments (there is a 10-point scale in anxiety levels as well as a hierarchy of speech from non-responsive to initiating speech - your answer listed some of these stages); our children are not selectively mute any more.  But, what you probably do not know is the difficult part of this anxiety disorder comes after the "voice surfaces".  Children do not outgrow their anxiety nor does it go away - but it can be managed and controlled.  This is the time where the "hard work" usually takes place (perhaps therapy or intervention) and thus the reason why professional help is often required.  The teenage years can be especially difficult for children who have anxiety issues - I believe selective mutism is a severe form of anxiety, usually social anxiety although not all children with sm suffer from this type of anxiety.  

There is quite a bit of research going on right now with this topic, so I expect there will be new ways of dealing with childhood anxiety in the near future.  One of our local researchers feels there are four subset of selective mutism - not sure I agree but, as you stated, one size does not fit all.  I'm sure parents of your children who suffer from sm are grateful for such an educated person in the classroom as many of our teachers are unaware of this disorder.  I wish you continued success ...

[beta12]

This sounds familiar and I agree with the poster who pointed out that if a child cannot speak at school, then they cannot be considered as truly functioning.  My daughter has exhibited some of these selective mutism traits since her toddler years and yet this is the first I've ever heard of it.
Examples:  (1) Her first couple of weeks in nursery school she would not communicate with the teachers.  There was only one child she would communicate with and he had to serve as go-between for awhile. (2) She is 13 yrs. old and still won't ask to go to the bathroom or ask for help in a class or group setting (3) It is extremely hard for her to give her food order.  Her voice is almost a whisper. (4) She has been in the same youth group at our church since first grade and now, as an eighth grader, still doesn't feel close to the others.  She feels left out, yet she never talks.  She just listens.

I would seek help for my son now since it may be easier at this age.  I am still considering taking my daughter to a counselor for practical help with this.  Her father is a very shy man in private, yet a fully capable professional in his career.  No one at work realizes how much it costs him to be in charge at work.  Once he sheds that skin from the office, however, he is back to being quiet.  She is the same way.  In her theatre group she is at ease and can perform on a stage in front of an audience, yet she cannot speak in class.  He says that she will outgrow this.  I'm not so sure.  And since she is such a gifted, lovely girl I would like to help her without causing her to feel more stigmatized by her shyness than she already feels.

So, follow your motherly instincts. Good luck!

[jdtm]

Your daughter is entering her teen years.  You won't want to hear this but the teenage years are extremely difficult to treat anxiety issues (don't know why, I suspect the "right" methods have not yet been found).  At this point many of the anxiety behaviours as "silence" and "avoidance" have become ingrained and thus very difficult to change.  One method that does work for older children and adults is CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy but the person must be ready to work hard and change.  Frankly, your husband could benefit from this therapy (a close friend of mine did CBT for a few months when she was in her mid 30's and it radically changed her life).  Usually a psychologist would be the person who is skilled in delivering this type of therapy.  

I might suggest you ask your family doctor for a referral to a person with experience in anxiety issues.  As you have noticed, your daughter is not "growing out of this behaviour" nor will it go away.  I wish you the best  ....

[concernedmommy727]

Thanks so much for all your advice.  I did talk to the teacher some more about it yesterday and she said that he does talk, but when he has too.....like if she's asking a question about the lesson and even then it's kind of like a whisper.  She also described though that he does talk to the other children when playing and talks at a normal voice.  she then said that she went over to him and said oh, so you do you talk see.....  when she said that I wanted to crinch, as that is totally the wrong thing to do.... becuase of course as expected he shut down when she caught him talking and brought it to his attention.  So I see now that I have to educate the teacher a bit on how to deal with this.  I already told her yesterday that I would prefer her not to bring it to his attention when he is talking to others and to not make it a big deal.  He also talks to me extensively when Im there to pick him up.  So, I think like some of you said I see some of the signs, but maybe it's not quite there yet to call it selective mute.  But I'm definitely keeping an eye on it and have already bought some books for myself as well as for him.  And considering it's the first month of school still will give it a couple more weeks.  At that point I will decide to intervene professionally.  I'm just concered that it will get worse if not dealt with appropriately.  Thanks for all your advice.

[tiredbuthappy]

thanks for the info jdtm! i'm always looking to expand my knowledge and all you said makes sense. i am relying on information i have gathered and my personal experiences since in my schooling, i think we only read a small blurb on it! i imagine it will be covered more in the future as recognition and understanding grows.

i was actually referring to the orginal poster who associated not using the bathroom, not eating, etc... with SM. i shouldn't have said totally functioning, but she was definitely functioning. although a lot of it had to do with an accomodating class. i had substitute assistants in some days who did not notice at first that there was anything different with her because she did play, eat, follow directions, etc...

concernedmommy- i am glad to hear he is speaking to his peers and even responding to the teacher. i'm sure she had no idea that she could be doing more harm than good in that comment. i am glad you're willing to step in and discuss your feelings with her.
My schools have social workers to help children like your son, and especially help the teachers learn how to deal with children like him and help him. Perhaps you can contact the school and see if there is anyone who can help?

[kidlove]

My child who had exhibited extreme shyness had cognitive behavioral therapy at age 2 1/2 years.  She only had it for 6 months but then went on to have small social group interaction.  I went to the county regional center where resources were free, and your school district may have resources for your child at age 4.  I believe this early intervention, and it is not too late for your child, was key in helping my daughter become more well-rounded socially.  Although, she still remains the quietest child in any class, she is very well liked and has developed strong friendships. CBT is key to helping your child.  Do it early and as much as possible.  Forget the naysayers who say your child will grow out of it.  Just waiting doesn't help them.