Father and Adult Child Behavior Issues

Okay - I am totally at a loss, and am desparate for advice and help.  I have never posted a question or problem like this before, but just don't know where to turn to.  I have been with my partner (we are not married but live together) for 4 years.  He and I are both divorced and we both have adult children from our previous marriages, but no children together.  His Adult daughter is visiting us (she is 29 years old.)  A little background, he divorced the children's mother 25 years ago, and has tremendous guilt over leaving his children when they were young (even to this day).  They also remind him consistently that he left them when they were young and blame many of their problems in adulthood on the fact that he was not there when they were small.  
When she arrived, there was a lot of hugging and clinging, which I thought was normal, since it has been a while since they saw each other.  The kids live in a different country than we do.  However, the touching has become more and more and more.  It has gone from hugs, to holding hands, to the daughter cuddling with him on the couch in the dark, to her running her fingers through his hair, to commenting on his muscles, to the daughter laying on him and holding his hands etc......At one point, she had her feet on his legs, and when she tried to move them away, he grabbed her to keep her where she was.  She even suggested that it would be okay, if he needed anything to come into her bedroom at night (again, I don't believe she is suggesting anything sexual, but I do think there is a line of privacy and respect that parents offer adult children and visa-versa.)  

I could understand this behavior if the daughter was a young child - however she is a young woman, and I am feeling really, really uncomfortable with this behavior, as he is not doing anything about it.  I suggested to him tonight that this is really making me uncomfortable, and that in a kind way, he might suggest that she move over a little when she lays on top of him on the couch, and he became extremely defensive.  In fact, he believes I am the one with the problem and I am totally over-reacting to this situation.  So, my question is where is the line?  Is it inappropriate for a young woman to show that kind of affection to her father and visa-versa?  And is it even more inappropriate, that the father (as the mature adult) not try to put some physical space between himself and the daughter?  

Any advice would be sooooo greatly, greatly appreciated........
Pfifer

[margypops]

I can see why you are feeling somewhat defensive about this ,many families are very affectionate and it can be disconcerting for a wife/partner,they missed so may years of their lives together, I would just let it pass, as time goes by it will lessen, maybe you are feeling a bit left out, perhaps you and the daughter should do some girly stuff together so you can get to know her more . good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

If you're sure there is nothing sexual about it, maybe your partner is just so glad that his daughter wants contact that he's ready to take this kind of stuff as general friendliness.  I'd find it a bit weird, but that is my cultural heritage (somewhat cool and nondemonstrative).  What is his (and hers) and is it different than yours?  If she was raised in a touchy-feely way, this might just be the way they are trying to reconnect.  I wouldn't lurk suspiciously around and raise your eyebrows constantly, but I'd be alert to the possibility she is trying to cross a line and frankly ready to leave if it looks like that's what is happening.

[adgal]

I come from a super affectionate and demonstrative family.  And I do mean my whole extended family.  Even as adults we are all full of "I love you's", hugs, kisses.  We are all cuddlers. My husband's family is far more reserved and I know he found it all rather odd at first.  I still don't think he is overly comfortable with it, but is more accustomed to it.  I would just sort of keep your eyes open, but for her this might be completely normal.  I think your instincts would tell you if it was sexual.  If it's not, then she is just very demonstrative like me.  I think also the fact that she hasn't had much contact with her dad might have something to do with it.  I didn't either with my dad as a child, and once we were reunited, we have been very openly affectionate with each other.  There has never been anything creepy about it though, it's just the way we are.

[AnnieBrooke]

I might also add, despite no longer being a minor, she's even now at an age where a dad's attention means a lot.  When I was 24, my dad was living with a somewhat younger woman who loved him so much she was like a limpet stuck on his side at all times.  I wanted to talk over somewhat serious issues I was facing as a young woman about to get married, starting my career, and trying to figure out my life; things that made me feel vulnerable and did not have really easy answers, but did have long-term impact if I got them wrong.  I also wanted to know if *he* was happy.  I did not want to air such personal things in front of someone who wasn't my dad, yet couldn't ask her, "Say, would you leave my dad alone for a while so I can have a private talk with him?"  Maybe all of this reborn togetherness you are seeing (at least on her part) has some of its roots in this kind of need.