Final Post: Every other week visitation/4 year old behavior/Normal Development?

[Worried_Friend]

While coloring, scissors were on floor. C walked away. We heard banging noise toward back of house. C took scissors to my BFs bedrm & scratched up the door w/them. Leaving this child for any length of time could B dangerous (drinking polish remover, etc). C displays an abrupt shift in.. attitude? Personality? 1 day I was outside & he was standing at door smiling & being silly. I said "Gimme high five!" & raised my hand. All of a sudden, his smile left & he got a solemn look on his face. I kneeled down & said "What's wrong?". He looked up & yelled in anger "STOP TALKING TO ME!!!". I said "Okay"& turned around. Then he said "Okay, U can talk to me now". Disturbing. The bathroom/movie incidents stick in his mind. He frequently talks of them & says that he was mad & sad. I explained that I was never mad, but need him to respect my boundaries. These seem to be traumatic enuf that they stick out in his mind thru weeks.  He also brought up bathroom incident last wkd, I explained (again) that I wasn't mad, but when some1 is in a room & the door is closed, it's important to knock & wait for response b4 entering. He said "But I didn't understand". I said "That's okay, we all have to learn, this is how we learn. Now U've learned & understand, so it shouldn't happen again". He said "But I'm never going to understand". Girl (8) seems to be coping fine except school. She was an A student & now failing 2 classes. I think the living arrangement is a driving factor in the kids’ problems. Tried to discuss w/my BF but he thinks the divorce is the prob, not living arrangement. Think w/C the living arrangement is magnifying an underlying medical problem. BF took C to a doc about ADHD. Doc appeared to think BF just wanted to medicate C so he didn't have to deal w/ trials of parenting. This is so incredibly untrue. BF is against it and took him at my plea.  The doc gave BF ADHD questionnaire for ex, teacher, & BF. Ex said she C isn’t ADHD. Teacher’s score was a few points shy of ADHD. C's behaviors/thought processes R clearly indicative of serious underlying issue/disorder. It's not just 1 thing, it's the composition of all combined that makes me think this. My daughter is ADHD & I don't remember EVER dealing w/ this type of behavior! I talked to BF about not seeing kids except for 1 stable, consistent outing a wk bcuz I feel like C is not emotionally/mentally equipped to deal w/me yet. BF doesn't understand. I just want to do what's right. Does this seem like an underlying medical problem/disorder? Can U direct me to research on impact of shared biweekly visitation for 4 yrold? I know BF has to make own decisions but I want them 2 B informed decis. Is removing myself from situation except 1 wkly outing in C's best interest? I don't want to lose this relationship, but children come first & I can not, in good conscience, do something that I think is harmful for child's well being. Whole thing is eating me up to the point that it's getting hard 4 me 2 cope. Please help!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Let me address both the boy's condition and the custody and visitation arrangement.

Relative to the youngster's condition, it represents both neurointegrative and emotional disorders. He may well display ADHD, given the prominence of overactivity and impulsivity. Apparently he is more organized in the school setting, by virtue of the standardized feedback from the teacher. That is, he/she apparently did not endorse a sufficent number or range of symptoms to make an unambiguous judgement. Suffice it to say that an evaluation by a mental health professional is in order.

Alongside what is likely ADHD is a level of personality disorganization that is alarming, even in a child so young. At the very least, what you are witnessing is a range of developmental lags or delays, probably exacerbated by the family situation. But it is possible that this child displays a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (a broad spectrum of conditions) that requires professional intervention. He should be evaluated by a team of developmental specialists, including developmental pediatrician, developmental/clinical psychologist and child psychiatrist. In addition, the family situation should be evaluated as part of the process, and the most appropriate professional to conduct such an evaluation is a clinical social worker.

Relative to the custody arrangement, I infer from your description that, by the term 'shared biweekly visitation' you mean that the children spend one week with their mother and then one week with their father. Is this correct? Or do you mean that the children 'visit' on alternate weekends. If the former is true, it is an inappropriate custody arrangement. It obviates the sort of structure, routine and stability that all young children require. To tell you the truth, most such arrangements, in my opinion, are more conducive to meeting the needs of parents than they are of meeting the needs of the children. Now, to some extent the particulars of a custody arrangement depend on the capacity of each parent. Hopefully, the children will spend the preponderance of their time with a parent who is stable, mentally healthy and capable of sound parenting. So it is hard to talk in generalities about such an issue, but in a general 'rule of thumb' way an arrangement that calls for children to spend alternate weeks with each parent is not sensible (even when both parents are capable). The 50/50 shared custody arrangements are too new for there to be research which might indicate, in a longitudinal way, the impact. Those of us who see hundreds of children in these situations are very wary of them (in a way we might not be for older children, depending on the particulars). Another very reliable rule of thumb is that the more disturbed a child is at baseline, the worse it is for them to encounter so many transitions in their lives.

If the arrangement is alternate weekends, that would be more satisfactory. In other words, it would reflect another 'rule of thumb', i.e., that young children should have a principal residence.

Your presence or absence in the home really depend more on your ability to manage the situation than on anything else. In an ideal way, since you are a member of father's household, you should be there. However, it's a less-than-perfect world, and if you are not able to manage the stress occasioned by parenting this child, that's OK. He can experience your involvement in any way you and his father agree is sensible. Whatever you decide, try to be consistent - back and forth, unstable arrangements are not good for children for the very reason that they benefit from stable, routine, consistent adult presence.

It's understandable why you wanted to convey your information via several postings. This is a very demanding child to parent. While ADHD may be part of his makeup, it's not by any means the most central piece. Hopefully his parents can arrange the sort of evaluations I detailed above.

[Worried_Friend]

Thank you so much for your response.  I'd like to clerify a few things, if I may.  1) The visitation is alternating *weeks* (one wk at mom's, one wk at dad's). My personal feel is that this is extremely unstable for a 4 yr old, especially considering the mother's behavior.  She's of the opinion that C is "perfectly normal" and is mad and fights with BF for trying to get him help.  The mother does have a mental condition, I don't know what it's called but it apparently kicked in after C's birth and it's hereditary - her aunt and mom have the same condition.  She is also physically and mentally abusive toward the father in front of the children.  But none of that can be proved at this point. In fact, it's so bad that she used to make the children remove their shoes on dad's porch before entering so she could take them with her because "she paid for them".  It's simply rediculous that a child can't even own a pair of shoes with consistency.  Nauseating. Prior to about 2.5 months ago, she dropped the children off at his house everyday before school on her week (still in pj's, without breakfast, without hair brushed, etc) for the dad to get them ready and take them to school.  Her verbal and physical attacks brought that to a hault because BF felt it wasn't in the children's best interest to see this activity.  Yet to the children, who want to be at their dad's in the morning, she tells them it's his fault and he doesn't want them in the mornings anymore.  He had to take her to court to "undo" this arrangement and she is now fighting to get it back the way it was.  The father wants full custody of both children with visitation to the mom, but is not certain he can handle C on a full time basis because he is such a handful. I must admit, it would be trying for anybody.  

Regarding my presence:  I do not live in the home, I have my own apartment.  C is used to seeing me anywhere from 2 to 4 times a week.  When I'm not around, he tells BF he misses me and asks when does he get to see me and tells BF to tell me he misses me.  In light of this, does taking it down to a once a week outing still sound in C's best interest?  I just want to do what's right for him. I don't want him to suffer anymore unnecessarily.  I can handle him okay if I get breaks in between the days I go visit, but it is quite demanding simply because it's a constant, 24/7 interaction (not to mention that I work full time, attend college full time, and am a single mom!).  Sometimes I feel like me being there just makes it harder on C because he's not used to the instability he deals with on a regular basis already and I'm just one more factor in the mix.  This is why I felt like it would be better for me to meet them at the movies or an outing away from the home, consistently once a week.  Aside from the frequency issue, do you think it makes any difference if it's away from the home or not?

Another concern is a fear that BF and my relationship won't make it.  I don't want C's life disrupted anymore than it has to be.  I want this relationship to work, but it so incredibly difficult for me to watch C suffer so.. and although the father is seeking medical assistance for C (now that we've gotten a response), he hasn't mentioned changing visitation and it's becoming increasingly difficult to consider staying in a relationship and watching C flail, and to think about the impact on C's future - and to know that it's because neither parent is adult enough to do what's right for the child.  It angers me and is actually starting to cause problems in the relationship, mainly because I have the same outlook that you do on the bi-weekly visitation, particularly with a child so young and with the issues that have already arisen thus far. As long as I see BF striving toward what's best for C, I will give it my all, but I will have a difficult time staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't put their child's best interest above their own.  I know if he truly felt like this visitation was wrong for C, he would have it changed, but I think he feels the root is the actual divorce, not the visitation.  I'm not sure how to help him to understand, that's why I was hoping to find some case studies or research.  

If you wouldn't mind, I'd really appreciate a response to the frequency and location issues on my involvement in C's life now that you know I don't live in the home.  I'm not trying to be "self-centered".. I just want to make sure that my actions don't have a negative impact on that child's life.. he's so attached to me, it scares me.. or that if I do end up leaving the relationship, the negative impact on the children is as minimal as possible... he suffers enough already.

Again, thank you a tremendous amount for your response.. and know that your involvement here is changing lives; because of this site, a little boy will finally get the help he so desperately needs!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Hopefully your boyfriend will do whatever he can through the court to alter this custody arrangement - it really does seem to be serving to the detriment of his son'e best interest.

There is no right/wrong re: your relationship with the family. On the personal front, it's important to realize your limits, and proceed in a manner that permits you to have some fulfillment. Your decision needs to be based on what serves your relationship with your boyfriend. If you base it on the child's best interest or on what the boy prefers, you might be acting in a way that impedes your relationship with your boyfriend. You may well settle this issue in a manner different from what you might if you were making a decision about your biological child. Whatever you decide, try to settle on a consistent interaction (as it involves the boy). The fact that he can 'count on' some frequency or type of inclusion on your part is as important as the specifics of the frequency. Remember: structure (i.e., routine, predictatble contact) is the key. The specifics should depend, more than anything, on the personal relationship between you and the boy's father.

[Worried_Friend]

Insightful.  Thank you very much.  The difficult part is that even the "every other week" visitation is so inconsistent and out of whack (due to holidays, missed visitation time [because of work schedules], etc.) that me being there in a consistent way is going to be difficult.  All I know is, I'm an adult with an adult mind and it's difficult for me to deal with; I can't imagine being a child and dealing with all of this and living with the constant interruptions in lifestyle and schedule.  I don't even understand why the courts approve this type of visitation schedule, particularly when a small child is involved.

I hope that many parents considering shared custody or shared visitation run across this posted thread during research of their decision.  The whole thing reminds me of the story in the Bible of King Solomon and the dispute between the two mothers.  The REAL parent of the baby was willing to sacrifice her own desires (although excruciatingly painful) for the best interest of her child.

At any rate, your suggestions are a great help and I will take them to heart when considering my choices and making my decisions.  

Again, I can't thank you, the other volunteers, and the founders of this website enough.  You all are doing good work.  Best wishes.