Fit Throwing

My 4 and a half year old son has me wondering what to do, or what I have done wrong.  Sometimes he can be what I believe a normal 4 year old is....happy-go-lucky, around the clock play time, but someone who also eats his fruits and veggies, brushes his teeth, looks out for his little sister and even goes to bed when it's time (most of the time), But then there are other times, when a fit appears out of no where.  It's only fits for mom or dad.  I don't know how to teach him to effectively communicate his anger or frustration.  Time outs don't work short of us "making" him sit for the four minutes.  We've tried having him sit on his bed until he's stopped crying and is ready to talk about it. We've even tried soap in his mouth, and spanking.  Obviously, not all at the same time, because we know consistency is important.  But I don't know what else to try and I don't want his one and a half year old sister observing (and learning) his behaviors.  I (mom) really feel like I've exhausted every thing I've heard or read about.  His fits do not just happen when he's tired, or playing and it's time to go, they just happen out of the blue. I feel like I'm failing as a parent and all I do is yell at him lately.  Any suggestions?  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Yes. My suggestion is that you revisit your use of time out. Stop using soap; stop spanking. Both are very ineffective methods of discipline. It is your execution of the time out procedure that is lacking, not the technique itself. If you read this Forum often, what I am about to say will not surprise you. Get the book SOS Help for Parents and implement its guidelines just as they are written. Your problem will be solved.