Five year old Son - Anger Issue? - Help, please!

[Mommaoffour]

I have been having quite a time with my 5 year old son.  He is the youngest of my four children and has been displaying problems for over a year now.  

He can be the sweetest, most loving child.  He can be so sweet ... sit with me for a long time ... he loves to be hugged and loves to show emotion at times.  He behaves, uses manners, says yes please, no thank you .. etc.  He'll do what he's asked or told to do and with no arguments -- it's great.

Then, he can turn in an instant.  You almost don't know when this will happen.  It doesn't have to be anything to make him mad -- it can be just after he wakes up or it can be after he gets home from school.  He's even done a couple of things at school (recently) -- nothing as serious at home, but I'm worried that it's escalating in nature.     Sometimes the change can be due to being told no, being asked to do something, one of his friends not playing with him, his brother or sister not playing with him ... etc.  Sometime it can be something serious that causes the change and sometimes it can be be little .. and sometimes absoltuely nothing at all, there is no pattern in what causes it.  

When he gets angry ... his eyes get big -- he starts breathing angrily -- big, deep breaths that you can hear ...  He'll yell, he'll run at you and hit, kick, scratch you.  He has had times when he says I hate you, or I want a new Mom (sister, brother, etc.)  He'll say he wants to go to a new home, he'll even escalate at times and say he wants to kill you or he has stab he'll stab you - etc.  He can be just angry and mad or he can say really violent things -- again, no pattern.  It's really scary.  

When he's in his good moods, we almost all walk on eggshells and I know it shouldn't be that way.  We do almost anything we can to "preserve" the good moments and try to make the angry moments less.  The problem is, we can't always know when one might come on and almost anything (or nothing at all) can trigger it.  

When he gets angry -- we  just don't know what to do.  Yelling is no good, we all know that.  If someone yells back - or threatens to spank -- or tries to spank .. he just thinks you're fighting with him.  It's no good.  However, he won't do time out ... or anything "rational" because he's in a completely unrational state.  I wish I could explain it better, but I really don't know how to.  

I've looked into behavior therapy, but everything is out of network and they want tons of money to start any kind of therapy.  I don't think simple counseling is going to help my son -- when he's not in his moments - he doesn't understand what you're talking about ... why you're talking to him about being angry -- or, you run the possbiltiy of getting him angry just by talking about it.  When he's in his anger state -- he won't listen.  Nothing you say gets to him, it's as if his sense of hearing is turned off and everything irrational has turned on suddenly.

Help, please!  I love my son and do not want this problem to escalate to something more serious.  I am so worried that things have been slowly escalating as he didn't use to act this way at school .. but, in the past two weeks .... I've been called once by his principal because he (my five year old son in Kindergarten) kicked a third grader in the bathroom and  left marks on him.  Then, the other day he got angry at his teacher and took his glasses off and broke them -- just because he was angry.  

Oh, that's something I forgot to include -- he does break things, tear things up, and throw things.  If you send him to his room -- or if he's in a room that has things in it ... when he's angry, he will break or throw things.  Just today he threw things around in my daughter's room and we've yet to get him to clean them.  He just doesn't respond to us when he gets in these modes.  They can last anywhere from a few minutes to the whole day.  

If anyone has been through anything similar, please let me know -- or, if  you have any ideas / thoughts on what I can do for him.

Thanks for listening (well, reading)!

[Sabrina_Leon]

My 5 year old son is exactly like this ! It's getting worse by the day I'm so scared as to how much worse things are going to get. I'm waiting for a paediatric appointment to have him assessed. He also has severe speech delay. I wondered if maybe he has sensory processing disorder. Would love to have a more in depth chat with any of you.

[Sandman2]

  emails won't show up on this web site.  You can private message her by clicking on her name.
  Does you child have these same problems in school?

[Mamatinker27]

I started crying when I read this..everything you described is my son to a T .I have tried everything..I'm scared of my 5 year old.I clench and get ready when I'm driving and he gets mad because I know I'm going to get hit in the back of my head..I'm wondering if you ever found help or how is he doing now that he is older??my email is ***@****

[Sandman2]

   Wow, thanks for getting back to us.  So few do.  Will be interested to hear more about what is going on.

[motherandteacher32]

Hello Everyone,
I am so terribly apologetic that I just disappeared after posting about my son. Well, I am now 37 and my son just turned 10 and started 4th grade. He also has a 3 yr old little brother. The struggles I was having with my then 5 yr old did not fit ADD/ADHD as there is a great post above that lists the differences between an Attention Disorder and Bipolar. He was definitely much more aligned with Bipolar Disorder. He also had no developmental delays whatsoever, in fact he reached his milestones always on the early side. *As a sidenote, looking back at my post, I noticed that I failed to mention that I actually have a dual diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar w Manic and Depressive Episodes as well as Idiopathic Hypersomnia. To clarify, the Borderline Personality Disorder is actually the part of my mental illness that causes me to have an overwhelming fear of abandonment due to a raging father who was particularly hard on me. My BPD is what causes me to be vicious and nasty to those I'm closest to, pushing them away, when I am desperate for love and comfort. Bipolar is more of severe mood swings. You can dip into a depressive state and remain there for an uncertain amount of time or you can be up in a manic state with racing thoughts, grand ideas, binge shopping, periods of little sleep and high productivity, etc.to be cont...

[Swilson3355]

I have a grandson that is that way. He lives with his parents but I don't know how to tell them he needs checked. He is mostly loving but can be angry in a instant. God I pray for help.

[Candimann]

OMG my names Candice could you please email me ***@****. Thanks to much to type. Thanks be looking forward to hearing from you my sons going to be 8 been doing this since 1yrs old and since 2nd graded started its been everyday. Thanks would love to hear from you.

[WorriedGrandma1965]

My Granddaughter has all these problems talked about. My daughter is ready to give up and even asked me to take the granddaughter. I don't think that this is the answer. Please help us.

[Sandman2]

   Do you also happen to have a younger child in the house?

[MommaCosma]

I just read this article...it sounds like you have had my 5year old in your home and are explaining it perfectly! I havent even read the comments yet, I just had to tell you that I am in the EXACT same situation! He yells, throws stuff, breaks things, tells me (and the family) that he hates me and he wants to live somewhere else, etc. He hates his life, he TRULY believes that he is the only one that gets in trouble. I have a six year old as well, and even when they are both in trouble my five year old screams "WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE IN TROUBLE??!!!" I dont know what to do... and he cries after his anger out bursts and it makes me feel like he cant control it so i hug him and hold him, and that makes my husband mad because its me babying him for doing something wrong. I'm going to read the comments now, hopefully get helpful hints. I hope you found helpful hints, because I understand what you're going through. Thank God my son hasnt acted out at school, AT ALL! Teachers describe a kid I swear I havent seen in a long time. He wasnt always this angry.. he was always so lovable (always called him my cuddle buddy) but things have changed!

[Sandman2]

  I am guessing that your son is not 5?

[lilipe]

Afer ruling out medical or psicological problems  what has work for us is making him write a page " the unwanted behavior" he does not like to write and he loves electronics (tv,ds,Wi ,Computer) so what worked for us is being as calm as we can be(hard but we have mastered it) take the notebook out and tell him until i dont see this page finish you can not have electronics and walk away , we decided to do this because it was getting to be imposible to have him do time out since we will have to chase him etc..and could get phisical in terms of holding him to stay in time out and I find out it only scalate the situation , at the beginning he always tell me he does not care ,I have a place were I have tv remotes and electronics that he can not get to them,I just go on with what I am doing and eventually he gets tired and starts writing, it takes time but eventually he gets that it is easier to listen to mommy than to write a page, we use it outside, he just gets to write when we get home, no screaming ,just one warning, usually goes "you stop ____________ or you are writing a sentence when we get home" he does not stop we follow up, even if he forgot all about when we got home,he still has to do it before any electronics when he gets home,

[Sandman2]

   Unfortunately Natta's post was over 4 years ago and I doubt that she will respond.  There are many other good ideas above if you take the time to read them.  Or, you might want to start your own post and give some specific areas that you need help with and we will see what we can suggest.  Best wishes.

[adele598]

I would love to know what worked for you. I am struggling in similar ways with my 5.5 year old. My email is ***@****

[Sandman2]

     A child with ADHD is difficult to deal with.  I know as I am also the CL on the ADHD forum, and I have seen many posts like yours.  The problem is that a child with ADHD does have to be treated differently than a child without ADHD.  And until you can understand how ADHD effects the child and what the child is going though, its pretty hard to change his behavior.
    A couple of good resources for you as it would take me pages to explain what to do. The book I recommend the most is,  "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.  Its about $10 on Amazon.  It will be worth every penny you spend.
    I would also check out this web site and its many ideas for working with an ADHD child.  http://www.additudemag.com/search/keyword/ADHD%20and%20Discipline.html
    Do realize that a child with ADHD acts without thinking, they have no choice (unless they are on meds, which can help with impulsive behaviors) in their actions at this age.  Thus to punish him for everything is not good either for him or you.  There are some things you just have to overlook.  There are a lot of things that you have to head off before they happen.  That is why all experts say that having a rigid schedule for the child is very important.
   So get the book I mentioned.  Check out all the ideas on the web site and feel free to ask any additional questions here http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175  ; where I will definitely see your post.  Best wishes.

[pinkpanther1982]

i am having the same issue with my 5 year old son he screams and hollers and hits his siblings I am on the verge of pulling my hair out he sees a doctor for his anger and come to find out he has ADHD and a learning disability but it is still hard to deal with him when he gets angry I punish him every time he does wrong but he still acts out and don't care if you spank him or put him in timeout maybe somebody can tell me what I can do thanks

[Sandman2]

   Well, you need to find out if he is bipolar or not since the treatments are very different.
  This is a list of the differences between ADHD and Bipolar because they are very similar:



1. Destructiveness may be seen in both disorders but differs in origin. Children who are ADHD often break things carelessly while playing (“non-angry destructiveness”), whereas the major destructiveness of children who are bipolar is not a result of carelessness but tends to occur in anger. Children who are bipolar may exhibit severe temper tantrums during which they release manic quantities of physical and emotional energy, sometimes with violence and physical property destruction. They may even exhibit openly sadistic impulses.
2. The duration and intensity of physical outbursts and temper tantrums differs in the two disorders. Children who are ADHD usually calm down in twenty to thirty minutes, whereas children who are bipolar may continue to feel and act angry for up to four hours.
3. The degree of “regression” during angry episodes is typically more severe for children who are bipolar. It is rare to see an angry child who is ADHD display disorganized thinking, language, and body position, all of which may be seen in angry bipolar children during a tantrum. Children who are bipolar may also lose memory of the tantrum.
4. The “trigger” for temper tantrums is also different. Children who have ADHD are typically triggered by sensory and emotional over stimulation, whereas children who have bipolar disorder typically react to limit-setting, such as a parental “no.”
5. Disturbances during sleep in children with bipolar disorder include severe nightmares or night terrors often with themes of explicit gore and bodily mutilation.
6. Children who are bipolar often show giftedness in certain cognitive functions, especially verbal and artistic skills (perhaps with verbal precocity and punning by age two to three years).
7. The misbehavior in children with ADHD is often accidental and usually caused by oblivious inattention, whereas children with bipolar disorders intentionally provoke or misbehave. Some bipolar children are described as “the bully on the playground.”
8. The child with ADHD may engage in behavior that can lead to harmful consequences without being aware of the danger, whereas the child with bipolar disorder is risk seeking.
9. Bipolar children tend to have a strong early sexual interest and behavior.
10. Children with ADHD usually do not exhibit psychotic symptoms or reveal a loss of contact with reality, whereas children with bipolar disorder may exhibit gross distortions in the perception of reality or in the interpretation of emotional events.

[Rumzek]

omg you just described my son I am sure he is bi polar but can't get any one to listen they say he has adhd and odd.  His uncle was diagnsosed with bi polar then told na it's just anger.  I think they both r bi polar what do I do???????

[tshields27]

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I would so love to talk to you.  My daughter is the same way and we have been dealing with is since she was 1 and she is now 10 and currently at the mental hospital for her fourth stay now.  I'm at my wits end.  Please get in contact with me.  My personal email address is  tiya_shields***@****

[luckyduck333]

Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's their age?  There are so many (including myself) who have 5 year olds with anger issue. They are egocentric at this age and believe life is all about them.  They are showing more independence but are still not old enough to do most things. Having said all this I am at my wits end with my son!!!

[thehuggabears]

I'm right behind you with my son. My guy gets set off for not getting his way, so we know what causes it. Problem is trying to teach him properly and control it. Easier said than done.  I would love to know what you learn! I'm praying for my boy and I will pray for yours too!

[ariana21]

my 5 yr old twins have been taking turns on there rage outburst it started when  they started preschool one of them would kick off his shoes when i would take him to class scream at the top of his lungs and say all these nasty words the principal would sometimes meet me at the front door because it seemed to be worse when i would walk him all the way in and this year as they started kinder the other twin the calmer one seems to lash out at his brother throwing things at him screaming kicking and these usually last about and hour at times i just want to cry i don't  know what causes him to act this way i try talking to him but that doesn't work taking things away none of it works i recently started taking him to his room when he goes on one of his episodes and hold him he screams and squirms and and kicks but it seems to calm him faster and he usually falls asleep and wakes up like if nothing happened my husband and i are concerned because he's causing harm not to himself but to his twin and i don't know what to do anymore i need help............

[Sandman2]

   Its a learned behavior probably (good old older brothers) and it will take a while to unlearn it.  This may help.  neat set of books meant to be read to the chlld.    Good starting one is "Hands are not for Hitting,'  found here
    http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775

[silentmuse]

oh I should add there is nothing medically wrong with any of my 3, I did the OMG my so I tested then all when they were close to the age of 5 there good great amazing kids they just pick on the little one :o(