Five year old twins with behavior problems

I have twins five year olds who it seems like will only behave with me and their dad.  We remind them in the morning before school to make good choices and have a good day and they still have horrible days. I have taken toys, spanked, timeouts had the action and consequence speech and do not know what else to do.  It seems they only have problems when they go to school, or with passive friends.  Please someone help I am at my wits end trying to deal with this.  I am ready to just pull them from school and teach them myself.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

They are very young and are making the difficult adjustment to school.  Ask the teacher if you can observe them in class.  Ask if she would recommend they be evaluated by a behaviour specialist.  They are learning new important social skills at school that are much harder for you to teach at home.  (Not that I am against home schooling)

All 5 year olds are naughty.  I can only imagine that 2 are more naughty than one.

[tired24]

I have asked to observe the class unannounced and was told no.  I have observed the class announced and of course there were no problems out of her that day.  I did not look at her the entire time I was there.  I did not sit next to her or even gesture to her.  I did notice that the class is very chaotic.  The teacher is very relaxed in discpline actions in  my opinion.  I noticed that not only her but several children were completely unruly.  I have a daycare but by the time I left her class I had a headache for the rest of the day.  I do not blame the teacher though for my childs behavior.  The teacher is an excellent teacher it seems to me to just be the enviroment of the other children.  We have tried to let her know that even though she may see others not doing what they are supposed to she still needs to behave just as mommie and daddie are there. The other one gets so upset at getting in trouble she can't stop crying.  

[RockRose]

Tired,  what behaviors exactly are you talking about?

Your statement that they get in trouble at school,  or with "passive" friends.  Specifically,  what do you mean?

I'm kind of getting an image of a child who will only behave if she's made to,  and she is being watched, and she knows it.  Is that a fair characterization?    It seems like your two twins have turned out with opposite personalities - probably fairly common!

Best wishes.

[mamatwins]

I know exactly how you feel. I also have 5 year old twins and i am losing my mind.   I have tried time out, spanking, taking toys non seems to work at all. I know i can't help you,but i just want to tell you, you're not alone and i will pray for both of us. take care

[Cocao]

I have five year old twins and I find that the more I seperate them and do one-on-one activities and personal attention, the better. As mothers of twins (I am a twin myself), they starve for individuality and personal attention. If you can, give them separate rooms, seperate classrooms, seperate extra-curricular activities. The problem with twins is they learn from each other - correctly or not. We have to work to be the first to teach them. I try not to shelter them from anything. Take them out and walk them through behaviors you expect in restaurants, stores. Sit and people watch in the mall and have your kids examine situations and get their feedback. Make it so they can spot a situation and know how to behave. My sons will say,"Mom, that boy over there is whining and being bad to his Mom." I say, "What do you think she should do?" "Should you act that way?" "Why is the boy acting that way?" Make them think about the other kids in class and have them tell you if they are behaving the right way - the more you talk to them the better. Have them talk about their classmates and ask them questions. We can do it Moms!!!

[3boysLDL]

Keep reminding yourself twins are unique and you are doing a fab job. Sometimes there are no answers - just keep telling them you love them and maybe rehearse the scenarios that seem to get them into scrapes with different response strategies. Speak to the schools senco - you are entitled to have a visit by educational psychologist who will observe and offer suggestions. Also try linking into TAMBA in your area.
I have 4 yr old identical twins and 6 yr old and regularly get taken aside on preschool collection for discussion of their scrapes and mischief!
If only i could be with them 24/7 but they have to find own way within being an individual and a twin - no wonder the stronger minded and wilful twins struggle! Mine enter into their own parallel universe of sole identity (they each cease to be themselves and become "teddy bear") and then they tell the adult who has had the audacity to expect them to do something they dont want to do them "teddy bear doesnt like you;  you are mean; teddy bear is not listening to you anymore etc etc!" Large glass red in the evening can help!!! Reheasal and role play is the key to everything so it becomes second nature to them.
Good luck