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Four year old daughter out of control
I have a 4 year old daughter that I can't control. I have tried everything, spanking, the corner, time outs, taking things from her. Nothing works!!! It doesn't matter what it is that she wants to do she is going to figure out away to do it, no matter the punishment. My main problem with her mom is her screaming. Anytime she doesn't get what she wants she screams to the top of her lungs. Well this week my punishment of choice was the corner, so every time she would scream all I will do is say Bianca and point to the corner. I first started off with one minute, but now I am up to 5 minutes everyone time she does it. Basically she is spending most of her days in the corner, because she still hasn't stopped. Not even a little. What can I do???
COMMUNITY LEADER
We have had posters with very similar problems. Check out this link which has some very good ideas on ways to help. The link is
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/my-4-year-old-is-out-of-control-what-do-i-do/show/2023048
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/my-4-year-old-is-out-of-control-what-do-i-do/show/2023048
screams talks back gets into mother jewelry box totally unruly
this is my grand daughter, I am try to help my daughter by getting ideas of how to handle
this is my grand daughter, I am try to help my daughter by getting ideas of how to handle
screams talks back gets into mother jewelry box totally unruly
this is my grand daughter, I am try to help my daughter by getting ideas of how to handle
this is my grand daughter, I am try to help my daughter by getting ideas of how to handle
well you are welcome I am glad you are trying something new, hey it may work ..I am sure you are a really loving mom ..good luck
well Today was good. I feel like that I have been ignoring my daughter and she was just trying to let me know that. I spent all day with her doing things with her and I never once left her and her sister alone together. So that cut off the fighting, Well most of it. LOL!! Bedtime wasn't good, but at least she didn't scream but 3 times all day. That is a world record for her. Bianca is so smart and independent I just took it for granted that she didn't need me, like other kids need there parents. I know that sounds bad and stupid, but you would have to meet her. She likes to do everything herself and doesn't like anyone to help her most of the time. Everyone always brags on her and she has never talked of acted her age. So I think I could never really see for how old she really is. I now realize that she is very smart but she is still 4. Thank all of yall for all of the advice. Most of it was very helpful!!!
Read the Book Sandman has spoken about ,it has helped many parents..heres the link to check it out www.sosprograms.com you may be also able o get a good used copy from amazon.com
I, to be honest, also think you are hard on her. A 4 year old that is having a great time right before bed time---- isn't going to be their best self when the good time is put to an end. They are tired and less reasonable than usual. We all know this. So, it would have been better for you to be paying attention to the clock and to have done the transition for her going to bed and THEN dad could get on his email. Transitions and how they are done are a common stresser for little kids. You may need to put more thought into it than winging as you go.
I also think it is quite common that a child sent out of the room you are in to do one thing right for bed will often get distracted by something else. Develpmentally normal. That this made you mad and you grabbed her arm and fought her all the way back to her room to me was an over reaction.
So, I think you have a little girl that has developed bad habits and parents that also have some bad habits. That is just my take on it from the information here. Parents that go back and forth, get distracted themselves, etc. and a child that is in trouble most of the day. This doesn't sound like fun. Work on her behavior for sure and tackle the parents behavior as well for a more peaceful home. good luck!!
I also think it is quite common that a child sent out of the room you are in to do one thing right for bed will often get distracted by something else. Develpmentally normal. That this made you mad and you grabbed her arm and fought her all the way back to her room to me was an over reaction.
So, I think you have a little girl that has developed bad habits and parents that also have some bad habits. That is just my take on it from the information here. Parents that go back and forth, get distracted themselves, etc. and a child that is in trouble most of the day. This doesn't sound like fun. Work on her behavior for sure and tackle the parents behavior as well for a more peaceful home. good luck!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
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ok thanks for all the comments. I am going to give her all of my attention today. Wish us luck!!
I also think being consistent is the key here , she is getting mixed messages Its very confusing for child. I think you do need to ignore some of the behavior too much is being made of it and its feeding on itself .By the way 4 year old is very young to expect her to listen all the time ,your expectations are too high, back off , less talk and more peace and quiet ..as I said focus on her positive side .
Ok, well that actually clears up a lot of things. She is clearly getting an inconsistent message. I personally think it is very important for parents to be a united front. By that, I mean establishing clear rules and boundaries for their children together, and both enforcing them. It doesn't take kids long to figure out that one might say yes, but the other no. Or that dad gives in when mom doesn't. If others give in to her temper tantrums I personally don't think this is going to stop. To me it sounds like she is doing what kids do, but the adults maybe need to get on the same page?
Okay I want to start off saying that my on problem with my daughter is her not listening to me or anyone else in the house, but I am the only one that punishes her. Everyone else just says no Bianca and she starts arguing with them, they get tired so they call me and then I have to do the punishing. Like tonight I was ironing so I was letting her listen to music on youtube and she was dancing on the bed. Well my husband came in the room and he needed the computer for 5 minutes. He walked in and said Bianca I need the computer for just a few minutes. As soon as the song went off he changed it and pulled up his e-mail, she fell out on the bed and started screaming at the top of her lungs. "Baba I want to listen to to the song". So I have already explained to her that when she screams she is not going to get what she wants and she is going to get punished. It was bed time anyways, so I just told her to lay down and go to sleep. "I don't want to sleep" Screaming again! I am staying calm. Bianca is time to go to bed. She finally stops crying and screaming, then she asks me can she go give everyone a goodnight kiss. I said yes. "Go in there give everyone a kiss and come straight back" I walk in there five minutes later she is sitting on the floor coloring!! I grab her by the hand and walk her back to the bed and of course she is screaming and fighting me. Well I put her back in the bed and I go in the kitchen and start to washing dishes. I forgot my drink in the room so I walk back in there and my husband has put on a song!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said Bachal that's my husband name. Are you playing her a song after I told her NO!!!!! So he says oh "yeah your right" turns the song off in the middle of it and I don't even have to tell you what happens then. Well of course she started screaming all over again!! This time I feel that was his mistake not hers and I told him that. He said your right and tells Bianca that I am right, but of course she is not hearing him. He walks out of the room and goes to bed and I am left with her screaming and crying, So I am so mad now I am ready to spank, but I am trying to stop spanking. So I walk over to her and give her a kiss tell her I love her and goodnight, while she is still screaming and crying. I walk out of the room and go back in the kitchen 15 minutes later it is quiet so I walk in there and she is asleep. Thank God, but she went to sleep crying! There are so many other situations all day long! Is there a way to post videos on here!! I can show yall way better than I can explain. Oh yeah I stopped the money thing, because I was thinking I was trying to reward her, but she was just seeing it as being punished even more. Oh by the way I don't drink allmymarbles and would even if I did I wouldn't drink in front of my daughter.
I see you have lots of comments, none of which I have read, so I may be repeating the advice of others.
She wants attention. Don't give it to her. Don't take away her toys. Don't spank her. Don't stand her in the corner. Answer her screams with silence. When she makes demands read a book, or leave the room.
If the screaming is driving you nuts, pick her up, take her to the sink and wash her face with cold water. Don't speak. If she meets you silence with destructiveness, buy one of those round, web-sideed playpens and put her in it.
This approach will work. It works even better if you calm yourself with a stiff drink.
She wants attention. Don't give it to her. Don't take away her toys. Don't spank her. Don't stand her in the corner. Answer her screams with silence. When she makes demands read a book, or leave the room.
If the screaming is driving you nuts, pick her up, take her to the sink and wash her face with cold water. Don't speak. If she meets you silence with destructiveness, buy one of those round, web-sideed playpens and put her in it.
This approach will work. It works even better if you calm yourself with a stiff drink.
Specialmom has some good ideas, but I don't think you are doing much wrong although I wouldn't want my child to be scared of me and don't like hitting children really (but my Mom threatened to hit me plenty and it didn't do me much harm).
At 4 years old it just takes some time for some rules to sink in and for them to learn to respect your wishes, with some children it takes longer - as long as you are consistent and patient she will learn eventually. We all make mistakes and as she is only 4 she has plenty yet to make! Good luck.
At 4 years old it just takes some time for some rules to sink in and for them to learn to respect your wishes, with some children it takes longer - as long as you are consistent and patient she will learn eventually. We all make mistakes and as she is only 4 she has plenty yet to make! Good luck.
How about you and all who are involved with the upbringing of this small child, try to focus on her positive side , praise her when you see her doing something right...you may find it will pay dividends if her life is not one full of punishments ..The reward system in my opinion is a good one ,maybe not money but some treat .. You are her Mom and I would say in whatever country you live in you can control the way she is treated, I see too much focus on the negative , try the opposite focus on the positive . Let us know how she gets on ...
I just want to add...being strong willed is not a bad thing at all and will serve her well later in life. I think focusing more on channeling that strength into something positive is better then trying to break her will. Young children are going to challenge us. It's what they do and part of learning. I don't believe that at any age you are going to have a perfectly behaved child. I guess what I am saying is sort of backing up what specialmom has said...don't sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles and remember that she is learning from you how to handle difficult situations.
I'll be honest. It sounds like this child can't get a break. Little kids do many things that drive us nuts but it is normal. You are probably punishing her for some things that are normal and some that are actually wrong. I would work on your tolerance level of young children. good luck
See this is where the different cultures seperate we in America would do it the other way. The idea of giving money seemed to work do you not think you are still hard on her ..When you say she got in trouble from her Dad could you give a scenario of what she did wrong?
Okay well yesterday was not good for the most part. She lost all of her money and got 3 spankings. I felt bad that she didn't have anything to spend today so last night I let her earn 20 rupees back and 30 for going to bed on time. So she has 50 rupees today to spend, but her sister has 180 rupees to spend so she is really upset. I am trying to explain to her that all she has to do is when I tell her something. Just say yes mam or sir and do and it and she will keep her money. The way I am doing it. I give her one warning not to do what she is doing, if she doesn't stop then I deduct her money, but instead of her listening she just stays there crying. Trying to talk us into giving it back to her. I try to explain to her if she doesn't walk away she is just losing more money, but it is hard for her to give up. She is very very very very strong willed. I just had a long talk with her explaining to her how it works, she said okay I understand mom. Gave me a kiss and walk in the room. During the time I have been writing this message. She has got in trouble 3 times by her dad. Just because she wants something and he is not getting it fast enough!!!!! UGH!!!
Well I am not going to lye. It was really hard reward her for being good, because she wasn't listening to anything I say! But last night I came up with an idea. Last night we told her that she had 100 rupees to spend tomorrow if she went to bed. It worked pretty good. She only lost 30 rupees before she went to bed. 5 rupees for every time she talked. She was asleep in 15 minutes. That is a world record!! LOL!! She did wake up at 2 am and lost some more. She is down to 40 rupees this morning. That is like 50 cents. I know yall like thinking only 50 cents, but remember I am in Pakistan she can get a couple of pieces of candy for 50 cents. In America she couldn't even get one candy. Her dad just took her to the store so she can spend her 40 rupees. Today I am going to start her and her sister off with 200 rupees! Maybe she will get to spend more tomorrow. Wish her luck!!
I forgot one other thing that I found really helpful at that age and works well for difficult children---- the idea of choices. Giver her tons of choices--- do you want your juice now or later? Do you want apple or grape? Do you want it in this cup or that cup? Lots of little meaningless choices. She feels like she has some control in her life then and these choices don't matter to you. Then when she is acting up, you can give her a choice such as do you want to go to bed right now or when the clock says 8:05? (the digital clock was a great invention for helping at these moments--- a little number recognition practice and a tool for transitions as well!) If she is demanding a cookie before dinner, you can say "do you want a cookie AFTER dinner or no cookie today?" She gets to choose between two options you give her and that way--- she feels like she has some control but you are actually controlling the choices. This really helped me! good luck
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