Frequent (very) long distance travel and development

[seeeker]

Hi,
I am recently divorced, American. My ex-wife is German, we had a child while living in London. I have since relocated to Colorado, she has returned to Germany with our son. Germany will be his primary residence. This has shattered me as I am extremely motivated to maintain a close relationship with him, I love and adore him beyond words, and desperately want to raise him with some American culture, see him as often as possible, and to see him grow and develop. Quite frankly, this situation has crushed me.

The distance from Denver to Hamburg is an enormous obstacle and inconvenience. It's a 9hr flight, plus another 1hr connection flight (not to mention $1500 +/- plus expenses). So far in the last 6 months since this began, they have come to Colorado once, I have traveled to London and Hamburg a couple of times.

The issue is my ex-wife is starting to object to the idea of him traveling such a long distance too often, as it could affect his development. She wants me to fly to Germany constantly, which is very awkward and uncomfortable, and not the goal I had in mind.

I am not disagreeing with this development issue possibility, but I wonder if anyone has a more concrete and researched opinion or evidence? She has done no research, just goes by what friends tell her, and i am just starting. My hope was that they will travel to the States every other time, perhaps every 4-6 months. Ultimastely I'll do whatever is best for him.

Thanks.

[RockRose]

Wasn't there anything in your divorce decree that prevented her from leaving the country with your child?   It seems like both of you living in London might work.

[RockRose]

But the other thought,  Seeker,  is it seems very uncomfortable and inconvient to you (who blames you,  international flying is HORRIBLE).  So instead of you doing it,  you want to inflict that irritation on your chid.

That doesn't seem very parental.  If something is difficult for you to tolerate,  as an adult,  it's doubly difficult for him.  And he didn't cause this situation.

[seeeker]

Wow I didn't expect that kind of response. You got it all wrong, and are obviously speaking from limited information, what I wrote.

Your response 1) We had a mutual verbal agreement that we would share the travel and visitation burden. I agreed that he would be better off with her primarily. Remaining in London was not an option, and none of this has anything to do with my original question anyway.

Response 2) That is the point of my question. I know it's a hassle, I want to know if it might negatively affect his development in some way. "That doesn't seem very parental." Who the hell are you to tell me anything like that? Do you know me? No.

Welcoming something actually constructive....

[RockRose]

It's always a good idea,  no matter how amicable the divorce,  to get child visitation rights in writing.  And no,  to me,  it doesn't seem very parental to say God it's a hassle to fly there,  best that the child do it not me.  

Does that sound very parental to you?

[seeeker]

You are totally misconstruing my entire standpoint, and derailing my question. Please share something with us so we can leap to some misguided conclusion about your character? I get very defensive when someone criticizes my parenting, in fact that is totally taboo.

I am not shifting all the burden of travel on him, if you read my post. Remember he is half American, and I intend on raising him that way. I am asking if it is too difficult, developmentally speaking, for a child to travel inter-continentally twice a year. What is your problem? Do me a favor and stop interfering?

[Agiesmom]

I think when divorce is concerned, you'll find that with some people, at least, most of the sympathy goes towards the child.  The child is expected to be without a parent and expected to live in two places (or at least occasionally visit another place) and be terribly inconvenienced and that's simply not an ideal existence.  Someone here once suggested that someone having an amicable divorce keep the family house and the children in it and only in it and suggested that the parents swap residences--get an apartment and one week one parent stays in the house with the kids while the other parent is in the apartment and the next week the parents swap.  The poster was totally appalled at such a suggestion--got very nasty and defensive.  However, that reprehensible suggestion is exactly what is expected of children...for their lives to be totally inconvenienced--and as a result of no decision of their own.

Back to your question...regarding whether or not frequent flying can have a negative effect on your son, you're not on the doctor's forum and I'm not a doctor, but I would imagine that it would have a negative affect.  Kids ears bother them (and could be a more serious problem if they have ear problems any way), they can get dehydrated, they are breathing recirculated air (let's face it, people get on planes when they are pretty sick).  So, from that perspective, yes...it negatively affects him.  Will it stunt his growth, or cause a delay in the onset of puberty, or cause a developmental delay?  Who knows for certain (I doubt that there have been long-term objective studies on that).  I'm not sure a doctor could guarantee you that there's no way it could ever be a problem for him to fly that distance 3 or 4 times/year (the rate you would be looking at if you take turns flying), but you'd probably be hard-pressed to find a doctor to back your wife and say it's not safe or seriously detrimental to his physical or cognitive development.

All the best to you.

[SeriousSam]

No it will not negatively affect his development in fact seeing you more would probably have a ore positive impact as kids who are with single mother (no dad for one reason or another) usually do not turn out quite as successfully.

[margypops]

He would probably benifit from coming to the US aswell to see his father and there are other Family here  I presume, perhaps he could visit one year and you the next or you twice and him once a year ,if you are ameniable terms with his Mom could you suggest it to her ,a lot does depend how she would feel ,as if she isnt keen for hime to fly whilst he is young ,it may be okay as he gets older. Main thing is to stay  in close contact, call him regularly, how about Messenger you can see each other that way ,I see my kids in UK regualarly from the US on the Web cam.It is important for children to have Both parents in their lives and if you can work with this in mind with his Mom all should be well.If you keep up good contact however you do it you will see a lot of him as he gets older .

[jdtm]

I'm surprised at the hostility of your words to some of the people who took time to reply to your posting.  I hope this is not indicative of how you respond to your ex-wife and son.  That being said - why not relocate to Germany for a few years until your son gets a bit older.  Germany is a beautiful country with "western" overtones.  Then, fly with your son to Colorado for longer vacation periods.  Your words - "I love and adore him beyond words" - Colorado will not change in five years as much as your son will during this time span.  If this is not possible, then the idea with the web cam is an excellent one - daily contact could be easily done with very little cost.  Perhaps when he gets older, he may wish to further his education in the U.S., and at that time his mother may be required to do most of the flying.  By the way, I do not "buy into" the American "culture" argument - the world is too small today for one not to be aware of the values and cultures of the rest of the world (if one so wishes).

"She wants me to fly to Germany constantly, which is very awkward and uncomfortable, and not the goal I had in mind" - your words - by the way, what was your goal?   Try not to think of your son as "half American" and/or "half German", but instead think of him as "just a little boy".  Divorce is painful for everyone - partners, family, friends and especially the children.  There will be no easy or correct solution - just "the best one can do under the circumstances".  And, everyone will pay a price.

[SeriousSam]

Consider what he is going through!  Going from seeing your son all the time to almost not at all!!!  I cannot think of anything in Dantes inferno worse than that!!

[jdtm]

Huh?

[Tyrsmom]

Seeer,
you sound like a dedicated dad. Travel on a baby and a young child is difficult. It is hard on us adults. If you could find a way to do most of the traveling yourself, that would probably benifit most of you. Try to limit your child's travel time to once or twice a year while the child is young, would be best. Children have a hard time on airplanes.
the jet lag is horrible, but you can imagine what it is like for adults and triple that for the youngins. Do your best, and I am not a DR. but your childs growth doesn't depend on airtime.

best of luck to you,
Tyr's mom

[margypops]

You certainly got some good feedback here ! it could have put a fire in your Belly to get it right , I agree with all of the Posts , I hope your Boy gets a lot of help to be able to be with you , you care about him so you will make it work, keep up good relations with his Mom  so she co-operates in this aswell.