Grandmother with custody of 2 and 3 year old boys

[CaroleD57]

My 3 year 6 mo. old grandson was taken abruptly from his mother (at 18 months) when his younger brother was born (will be 2 in September).  The baby tested positive for methamphetamines at birth and DHS removed both boys from my daughter.  Family was able to get them home within a week and I cared for the infant while the older one went from day care to day care.  A squabble from the mother regarding visitation caused DHS to remove the boys from the family where they separated them in the DHS shelter.  The baby was found a foster mother in a few weeks.  It took several months for a foster family to be found for the now 3 year old.  The older boy was not only separated from his mother, father, grandparents and cousins, but was also separated from his new brother.  Finally a WONDERFUL foster family was found for both of the boys, the oldest one joining that family sooner than the baby because of being hospitalized for pneumonial

I am the maternal grandmother who eventually was awarded custody and guardianship of both boys in March of 2007.  SInce that time the mother has been in and out of their lives and now has another 9 month old child.  She has basically said I can raise he children and she will come see them whenever she wants.  The 2 year old is doing great as I am and have been his primary caregiver.

The 3 year old is instilled with horrible anger.  He has no respect for other adults, refuses to tolerate instruction or follow rules in the now three daycare enviornments he has been exposed to.  He refuses to listen, throws chairs, etc. at the "teachers", kicks and spits at them, then laughs in their faces.  He just flat goes along ignoring all of the rules, disrupting every event that takes place.  I love him so much and I believe he has symptoms of RAD because of what happened to him from the age of 18 and 26 months.   He used to be the most joyous baby and caused everyone around him to glow.  He is angry and that is evident when something makes him mad -- the extent of anger he shows doesn't coordinate with what has made him mad.  He told our pastor that he gets mad, that he knows he gets mad and he doesn't like being mad.  I have even recently seen him jump up in the air and fall HARD to the ground screaming.   The mother was living with us for a time after the third baby was born, then one day she just took off again -- no explanation to him, no contact with him -- from Memorial Day until last week.

He has just been kicked out of the second day care for this behaviour.  One being a smaller home environment with few children, the other rather large.


Are you able to read anything between the lines here?  Any suggestion will help me.

Frustrated to the Hilt

[margypops]

Firstly I would like to congratulate you for being a wonderful Caring Granma,I dont think your 3 year old has any of the Major problems, he has been through a lot,I really agree with socgirl above. Look to his enviroment are the pre school patient with him if hes a bright boy and he sounds as if he is maybe extra physical stuff to get rid of the energy, lots of Positive attention, does he get to do some guy things with a male in the Family is there a Granpa. He sounds as if he is acting out for a reason and not because he has something wrong with him. Before  someone suggests you find major evaluations do try to see what triggers off the behavior does he need to change the pre school if they are not coping, How many hours there could he go for less and more time with you, lots of attention here I think.

[socgirl]

First of all, I would refrain from saying this 3 yr. old has "symptoms of RAD."  This may be true, but look at what his life has been so far.  It's no wonder that he's angry.  it sounds like you are doing you best to provide some stability for him and you obviously care about him a great deal.  If you continue to provide a stable environment for him, my guess is he'sll eventually settle.  He has been removed from so many places and so many different people are in and out of his life.  He may not be sure that you won't leave him as well.  So, the best thing to do is continue to provide stability for him and reassure him that you are not going anywhere.  Also, very important to set limits and appropriate consequences for his behaviour.  Sometimes caregivers in situtations like this may feel some guilt regarding cicrumstances and find it very difficult to be consistent with limits (i''m not saying this is the case with you...nor am i saying that you don't set consequences for behaviour).  He has every right in the world to be angry, but he needs to learn his way of dealing with this anger is not appropriate.  

I would also suggest taking him to a specialist to help him learn how to understand and deal with his anger.  Play therapy or art therapy can be great for 3 year olds.  Talk to his pediatrician about a referral, if possible.