Guilt over childhood . Was this sexual experimentation ?

[AnxietyMale]

Hello everyone . I've been recently having obsessive thoughts , guilt , and depression over my childhood actions .

This began when I was 7 . This was the age where I discovered porn , but I wasn't curious about sex . I was curious about the female body but I eventually encountered the porn site . However this isn't what I'm obsessive about..

This started in 1st grade , me and this girl became friends . We would sit at the same group of desks , chase each other around the playground . She even had a crush on me at that time . However my curiosity eventually led me to telling her to lower her pants . I would touch that was exposed but only for a short time . There was no force or penetration involved . This went on for the school year but I eventually stopped . Sometimes I remember that she would tell her mom . Sometimes I would sneak my hand inside of her pants but she didn't show signs of being uncomfortable . It didn't seem like she was scarred by this because she would pat my head before getting off the bus , blow her a kiss and she would giggle .  I saw her again in 3rd grade , we sat at different seats and went to different classes but she still remembered me . She and her friend joked around me so it still seemed that our friendship was intact . However after 3rd grade , I never saw her . I regret not apologizing to her because I wanted her to know that I didn't mean to be so exotic .

Another similar thing occured when I was 7 . My mom would leave me with a babysitter meanwhile she was at work , I became friends with the babysitters son but never interacted with the little sister . She was 2 at the time , one day I was in the sons room playing with his toys until the sister came in . I suddenly had this urge form inside of me , I went to her and lowered the diaper . Touch what was exposed and then put it back on . Once again there was no force or penetration involved in this case . She didn't know what was going on , I did it again at the same day but her mother caught me . She told me not to touch her like that I suddenly snap back into my senses and told myself not to do it again .

And that's how it remained . I'm 16 so for 9 years I've remained away from doing these actions again . I still feel constant regret and guilt because I feel like I wasn't a normal kid at all . I need advice.. I'm considering getting a therapist when I'm older.

[Krystyna89]

When kids are little and they're exposed to sex or sexual things they can become hyper sexual because your brain is developing and its not ready for sex and even as an adult. You will see kids who have been raped or molested and as adults they become promiscuous or want sex all the time.same with pedophiles because they themselves had been exposed to it. You are older now and thank god you can understand that it was bad but if you notice you have impulses and can't control then you should see a therapist RIGHT AWAY! You may not have been able to control your impulses because you were younger.younger kids have problems with impulse control. But if you feel bad you should still see a therapist just so you can learn to forgive yourself. This doesnt mean you are a pedophole.

[KSablone]

I came across this and instantly felt sick to my stomach. I don't know if this is just a major coincidence but there is a girl I know who was molested as a child by a girl from her school and didn't realize there was anything wrong with it until much later. All of the details you wrote about fit what she told me, right down to running into each other again in third grade. If this was you, then yes, it was sexual abuse. I strongly suggest you find this girl and talk to her about it. If she believes you molested her, the least you owe her is an apology.

[KSablone]

P.S.: I realize your name is AnxietyMale but your profile says female. Even if you are in fact male (and therefor not this person), I think you should at least offer to talk to her.

[CoopsMom92]

The fact that you feel remorse and guilt for what happened, is a good sign. But at the same time, it's obviously taking a toll on you mentally. Don't wait until you're older to seek therapy, do it now so that you can start to heal.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm not sure if it's normal experimentation or a little more active than average, but it does not sound like you hurt either person, and it does sound like you don't intend to do such things any more.  Talk to a therapist when you are older if you would like, perhaps it will allow you to put it in perspective.  I would be curious (if I were you) to know why I had such a strong impulse to do it in the first place.

[shannonmedrano123]

All of those things are normal for kids to do.  If you are 16 and you know thats innapropriate to do now, you are more than just normal.  You have a good conscience and you are aware that doing things like that to someone without permission could not only land you in trouble, but could hurt someone.  Good for you for being aware of your actions.  I am not a proffessional on the subject, just a mother of four sons.  I dont think you need therapy for this, but if it really bothers you, please do find someone to talk to.  My advice is to get a nice girlfriend and enjoy your life.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  Good luck to you, young man!