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Guilt over childhood experimentation
So I need to talk to someone about this. From what I've read on the internet the things that I've done in my childhood are normal and I shouldn't blame myself for them. However, my OCD and anxiety wont allow myself to forgive myself.
Let me start when I was young. Around 5 or 6 years old, my older cousin of about 9 or 10 years old, started doing sexual things with me. There was never oral or intercourse (thank god), but as a 5 year old, I had no clue about stuff like this, while she obviously did. I don't want to say she molested me because she was a kid herself and she didn't know any better and was acting on the things she saw( or god forbid, done to her.) but I was obviously at the age where I was easily impressionable and went along with what she said to do. And sometimes I do feel like I was molested. At first I was nervous and scared at times and felt uncomfortable, but I also enjoyed some of the play (which usually involved kissing and boob touching, and feel gross for enjoying). She also touched my penis once when I didn't want her too. This stopped after a short time (she got caught trying to show me her boob) and I got over it. However, the effects didn't materialize until later(my anxiety and OCD). Again, I don't want blame her, but I do believe I was taken advantage of.
This jump started my sexuality way earlier than it should have, and Im ashamed for participating in those acts. I was also attracted to older guys at my age after that, and even tried to peak at older men in my family. As a kid, I would try to peak at my uncle's privates (never touched) while he slept. I feel horrible for this. When I was 9-11, I started experimenting with my male cousin who is a year older. We did the typical stuff boys do(masturbate together (a lot), find our parents porn stash, measure dicks, etc. All of this was fine, except for one or two things. Because we experimented together, I got curious one day at a sleep over, and licked his penis while he slept once. I thought this was okay because we did other things together and this is what cousins are supposed to do. I also touched his butt. I felt guilty, but we continued to experiment over the next two years, and then we stopped. During one the experiments, my male cousin put his finger in his dogs vagina and tried to get me to do it, but I said no.
Any way, I've never done anything like that with a male cousin or female cousin or family member ever again like that (all this happened when I was a young kid), and I feel like an upstanding citizen. Its just those things that I did with and to my male cousin makes me feel extremely guilty. I know it has something to do with being taken advantage of as 5 year-old, but I just blame myself for being disgusting. What do you think? Please give uplifting feedback.
Let me start when I was young. Around 5 or 6 years old, my older cousin of about 9 or 10 years old, started doing sexual things with me. There was never oral or intercourse (thank god), but as a 5 year old, I had no clue about stuff like this, while she obviously did. I don't want to say she molested me because she was a kid herself and she didn't know any better and was acting on the things she saw( or god forbid, done to her.) but I was obviously at the age where I was easily impressionable and went along with what she said to do. And sometimes I do feel like I was molested. At first I was nervous and scared at times and felt uncomfortable, but I also enjoyed some of the play (which usually involved kissing and boob touching, and feel gross for enjoying). She also touched my penis once when I didn't want her too. This stopped after a short time (she got caught trying to show me her boob) and I got over it. However, the effects didn't materialize until later(my anxiety and OCD). Again, I don't want blame her, but I do believe I was taken advantage of.
This jump started my sexuality way earlier than it should have, and Im ashamed for participating in those acts. I was also attracted to older guys at my age after that, and even tried to peak at older men in my family. As a kid, I would try to peak at my uncle's privates (never touched) while he slept. I feel horrible for this. When I was 9-11, I started experimenting with my male cousin who is a year older. We did the typical stuff boys do(masturbate together (a lot), find our parents porn stash, measure dicks, etc. All of this was fine, except for one or two things. Because we experimented together, I got curious one day at a sleep over, and licked his penis while he slept once. I thought this was okay because we did other things together and this is what cousins are supposed to do. I also touched his butt. I felt guilty, but we continued to experiment over the next two years, and then we stopped. During one the experiments, my male cousin put his finger in his dogs vagina and tried to get me to do it, but I said no.
Any way, I've never done anything like that with a male cousin or female cousin or family member ever again like that (all this happened when I was a young kid), and I feel like an upstanding citizen. Its just those things that I did with and to my male cousin makes me feel extremely guilty. I know it has something to do with being taken advantage of as 5 year-old, but I just blame myself for being disgusting. What do you think? Please give uplifting feedback.
I was molested as a child by another child. I didnt want that kind of attention. BUT i did have a cousin that was my age who "experimented" with me. We played doctor a few times and we showed each other our privates, i was more curious as to what a penis was because i never exactly saw one before. I was either 5 or younger. I never touched him, but he touched me with another object (poked me with a toy on my private area) but we immediately got caught. We got in severe trouble and we never ever did anything like that again. But a year and more later i was molested by grown men, something that messed me up a bit.
It also triggered my sexuality to bloom way way too soon. I knew what sex was at the age of 6 and for some reason it made me want to experience sex, but i kept myself under control. The last time there was any sexual things done to me i was younger than 13, i remember that i was prepubescent. I was a "good kid" and didnt even date till i was 16, which of course led to sex. My sexual drive was extremely high, higher than my teenage boyfriend, which is significant. He actually use to complain that i wanted sex too much...which always got him criticism from his friends. I dumped him and started dating my best guy-friend. Its at that moment i realized i was sexually attracted to women too. Looking back at my childhood, i knew i was attracted to girls, but back then i thought it was my eagerness to be like them (envy or something). I didnt experiment with women till after i had my son in 2013. As i got older my sex drive was getting higher and higher and i feel bad for my boyfriend because it made him feel guilty he couldnt keep up with me. I also began to work up an appetite with...less "vanilla" stuff. I began to have kinks that i needed to have done, of course now i have that under control and dont need to have them everytime i have sex. My boyfriend is concerned that my sexual situations are because of being molested as a child...and because i was raped by a friend a few years ago. DO i think all that triggered this issue? Yeah, i dont doubt it. But i am not quite sure yet.
It also triggered my sexuality to bloom way way too soon. I knew what sex was at the age of 6 and for some reason it made me want to experience sex, but i kept myself under control. The last time there was any sexual things done to me i was younger than 13, i remember that i was prepubescent. I was a "good kid" and didnt even date till i was 16, which of course led to sex. My sexual drive was extremely high, higher than my teenage boyfriend, which is significant. He actually use to complain that i wanted sex too much...which always got him criticism from his friends. I dumped him and started dating my best guy-friend. Its at that moment i realized i was sexually attracted to women too. Looking back at my childhood, i knew i was attracted to girls, but back then i thought it was my eagerness to be like them (envy or something). I didnt experiment with women till after i had my son in 2013. As i got older my sex drive was getting higher and higher and i feel bad for my boyfriend because it made him feel guilty he couldnt keep up with me. I also began to work up an appetite with...less "vanilla" stuff. I began to have kinks that i needed to have done, of course now i have that under control and dont need to have them everytime i have sex. My boyfriend is concerned that my sexual situations are because of being molested as a child...and because i was raped by a friend a few years ago. DO i think all that triggered this issue? Yeah, i dont doubt it. But i am not quite sure yet.
You've mentioned that you have OCD and Anxiety and i'm wondering if this is self diagnosed, or whether you have a diagnosis from a Psychiatrist and have had any treatment. Do you talk to a therapist, are you on medication? I think treatment would be the best thing for you to do for your Anxiety and OCD. I think you're ready to talk about this with a therapist (by virtue of reaching out here and asking for support). Is it possible for you to talk to a therapist at this time?
It might be that it would be helpful to talk to the girl that abused you when you were 5 years old, and also the male cousin when you were a bit older. I think they might be feeling guilty (as they were the aggressor not you). and it might be helpful for all parties involved for closure in the form of sincere apologies to you at this time.
I too was a victim of my older brother. At the time we were living in a violent home and I have always understood that we were raised to (all 4 kids) have emotional problems as a result. Still, i think that it would have been helpful for both my brother and myself to have found some closure. It would have helped me to know that he was sorry for any pain it caused, and for him to hold himself accountable for any pain that he put out there. The last time i was in contact with him, he had physically verbally and emotionally abused 3 wives that ended in divorce (20 years ago).
There is a group called ACOA Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families widely dispersed throughout the country that might be helpful for you to attend.. These acts were dysfunctional and they were initiated by family members making you eligible to be part of this group. I attended for a time, it was nice to be around people that i could talk to in group and then go out for coffee with, and make personal friends with a few A mutually supportive group can make a huge difference to someone suffering alone, so both you receiving support and you giving support could be something that will help you to find closure. . I hope you consider trying one meeting, and making an effort to suggest going out for coffee and make some mutually supportive friends that you can feel you are not hiding anything from and that you can perhaps make friends with outside the group.
I don't know how old you are, whether you have children of your own or not, but this experience can help you immensely as you raise your own children. Just knowing what is possible to happen to young kids left to their own devices can help you "have the talk" with your own kids, and keep them safe from having happen to them, what happened to you. Understanding your experience, and finding closure to your own childhood problems can help you be a better parent. and that is no small thing. While i suffered with huge addiction problems since the age of 13, since i became clean and sober, i have found immense pride in being able to help others find help with their own addiction problems. It might be that you can help another child or young adult overcome issues. like Anxiety, by finding your own closure with the help of a therapist. That would be a truly remarkable gift to someone - to be able to help save them, but first you must save yourself and find therapeutic help for yourself.
I hope you come back and keep your post alive while you work on finding closure from what happened to you as a child.
.
It might be that it would be helpful to talk to the girl that abused you when you were 5 years old, and also the male cousin when you were a bit older. I think they might be feeling guilty (as they were the aggressor not you). and it might be helpful for all parties involved for closure in the form of sincere apologies to you at this time.
I too was a victim of my older brother. At the time we were living in a violent home and I have always understood that we were raised to (all 4 kids) have emotional problems as a result. Still, i think that it would have been helpful for both my brother and myself to have found some closure. It would have helped me to know that he was sorry for any pain it caused, and for him to hold himself accountable for any pain that he put out there. The last time i was in contact with him, he had physically verbally and emotionally abused 3 wives that ended in divorce (20 years ago).
There is a group called ACOA Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families widely dispersed throughout the country that might be helpful for you to attend.. These acts were dysfunctional and they were initiated by family members making you eligible to be part of this group. I attended for a time, it was nice to be around people that i could talk to in group and then go out for coffee with, and make personal friends with a few A mutually supportive group can make a huge difference to someone suffering alone, so both you receiving support and you giving support could be something that will help you to find closure. . I hope you consider trying one meeting, and making an effort to suggest going out for coffee and make some mutually supportive friends that you can feel you are not hiding anything from and that you can perhaps make friends with outside the group.
I don't know how old you are, whether you have children of your own or not, but this experience can help you immensely as you raise your own children. Just knowing what is possible to happen to young kids left to their own devices can help you "have the talk" with your own kids, and keep them safe from having happen to them, what happened to you. Understanding your experience, and finding closure to your own childhood problems can help you be a better parent. and that is no small thing. While i suffered with huge addiction problems since the age of 13, since i became clean and sober, i have found immense pride in being able to help others find help with their own addiction problems. It might be that you can help another child or young adult overcome issues. like Anxiety, by finding your own closure with the help of a therapist. That would be a truly remarkable gift to someone - to be able to help save them, but first you must save yourself and find therapeutic help for yourself.
I hope you come back and keep your post alive while you work on finding closure from what happened to you as a child.
.
1 Comments
Please don't be confused that while it might be considered widespread or "normal" for kids to experiment sexually, it still feels like sexual abuse to the non aggressor, the victim, and certainly if it has helped cause Anxiety and OCD, the experience has lead to life altering circumstances. It is no small thing. I think you are feeling "guilt" because the person's that initiated the experimentation are not stepping up and telling you that they feel guilt over using you as a victim. So i think that you are taking on the "guilt" because the people that should be feeling guilty are not steeping up. Please remember, you are the victim and have nothing to feel guilty about. i'm sending you love and peace across the miles. Do what you can to feel better. Keep reaching out and find a solution for you, until you do.
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