Aa
HELP!!!!
I have been reading through many posts here about things. Mostly about my daughter and why I do not like her. I happened to come across this anger management thread. I know that I and her (she is 9) have bad anger issues. It has gotten so bad that I hate her and myself for things I say to her. I am NOT here for anyone to judge me, I AM here for HELP! I have, since I was young, had anger issues, but i was just a bad kid, Holes in walls, punching myself in the face, biting myself, whatever, just cause I was so angry, I didn't know what else to do! I still get angry and throw a remote or phone, but do not hurt myself anymore. Well, my daughter is now doing these things. She is ADHD and I am a single mom working 2 jobs to keep her safe (like a parent is supposed to do). I work overnights and evenings. She does not listen, talks back, mimics me. YES,. I have over the years, sat down and talked to her, did the dumb time out, spanked, EVERYTHING, the books tell you to do. Well, now it is uncontrollable. I am at a point where I am either gonna hurt her or send her away! I do NOT want either of those, but i dont know what to do anymore. I love her, but hate her more it seems. When she is on her meds, its OK, but she is like a zombie. I give it to her for school. I want her to be a kid at home. However, not anymore. I want to keep her doped up all the time ugh. I haven't, but the thought has crossed my mind. I did put her adhd patch on her yesterday, even without school, cause I needed a break. We had a great day, but again, she doesn't even laugh on her patch. I hate her on it and hate her off it. Where is the middle ground? I just moved away from our home state with her to start fresh. New life, better life..... However, here, I have no one, no friends, family, support.... At Least back home her father would take her 1 day a month. I never realized how much that 8 hours he took her (me dropping her off and running) really helped! I don't know, I am rambling now, but am scared. i haven't stopped crying for 2 weeks. I broke her phone cause she didn't listen AGAIN! Whats next???? We just seem to keep teaching each other these bad things. We talked yesterday and I told her that OUR behaviour was wrong and that we needed to work on it..... As soon as her patch came off, 20 minutes later, she was her a hole self and that flipped my switch and I was a BIGGER a hole. Like battle of who can be the meanest!! I cant live like this anymore and it is NOT fair to her either! Please help!!
Hello, not normally the type of person to comment on these sort of things but your question caught my attention as I am a 16 year old with ADHD myself. See at first I thought ADHD was a cop out for lazy parents for naughty kids but that is by far the case, my medication really does make a difference in me. I am not too sure where bouce in the world you are from but I am from England and over here with the medication I am giving they start off at a low dose, for the first 5/4 days I am unstable, emotional and sensitive. this is the case every time they change my dosage, if the low dose is not enough they higher it up but you have to do it in stages as with our type of medication you get that zombie effect, it may be worth looking into asking for a different type of medication as I am on tablets both short and fast realising ones but I do have to take them daily. however because they have built up in my system on weekends it is not so urgent if I don't take them. With my medication you learn how to deal with your behaviour while you are on them and you learn your triggers and things that just don not work for you, you can not cure ADHD but you learn how to live with it. However I have only got ADHD and no other mental illness as such but a lot like my mother so we clash. Looking back while I was little throughout primary school I was a so called teachers pet, only got told of for talking to much but I was a little brat at home, I had no impulse to say no to myself. I did what I wanted to. at secondary it escalated around half way through year 8, I got kicked out of plenty of schools and other education providers because I would just push and push. My family had a negative view on me because of the effect it had on my mother, this got to me a lot because my mum has been a single parent mine and my sisters life, who is 26, she has had no moral support what so ever. I have never met my dad and I went through a stage where I was trying to work out like why am I acting the way I am? I thought about what if I had a dad but he has always known where I have lived and my mum did not stop him from having contact with me he chose not to. I wanted to contact him but my mum said not at this age Because she was always thinking about my well being and how I would react to hear if I reached out and my dad didn't want anything to do wth me? she knew at the time I was not anywhere near stable enough but she has told me if I still want to when I am older she wouldn't stop me. ever time I was in trouble even if I was genuinely sorry and my mum punished me I would not hesitate to do it again. in a way I do not regret anything I did, I regret the effect it had on the important people around me I have learn from my past it was not easy and no matter how many professionals I had in my life offering me support or how good I was doing I felt I had to learn my way for me to be able to rise above everything. My mum was the only one who stood by me she knew me for exactly what I was but what defend me if she felt she needed to, but I mean I have argued with my mum, she has smashed my phone with a hammer infront of me, I have smashed our house up , we currently have 5/6 doors missing in our house because she refused to buy more untill I learnt my lesson, she used say she could not cope with me so i used to run away for weeks on end because I did not want to have that effect, I have even cried my eyes out to her telling her to put me into care. Personally I could not thank my mum enough for everything she did for me, some people will think I do not deserve nothing but my mum would not care how much the struggle was on me or her as long as I got better. I did not think I would as early as 16, but for the last year I have managed to settle at a small school and just recently passed all my GCSEs I took. if I had a mum like my auntie or some of my friends mums I would not be where I am today, she has not always done things right because it has been such a repetitive battle for only her for 4/5 years possibly but she has explained how different things work for different people, i knew everything I should do and how I should act but that meant nothing I was still ruthless. personally I think you should give yourself some credit on how far you have both come together already and while you are having your bad days just remember them good ones, just because things aren not perfect does not mean you are not doing what you are meant to be. I do not know how much help I am but I thought I would explain my side of my story to you as the child with ADHD. I needed my mum more then anything even though we argued constantly and never got on, she was my support. if things have really got out of hand for you to handle i would suggest either you two or by yourself take a step back and try look at things without the emotions because my mum and me seemed to act on emotions in heated situations. I have so much respect for you as a mum, so much more then a mother with a normal behaved child with no faults. I have gone on a lot but it is different point of view on the the same situation in a way, If I have helped in any way please let me know and maybe add me via Facebook if you have it and message me, I know I am only a teenager but I know how **** things can get when they are abnormal and other people do not actually know how to deal with them when they say they do, if I could offer help in any way then I would be more then happy to it is not nice to see a single mum go through your struggles.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Opps noticed you both have insomnia problems. Lack of sleep can be very hurtful. I imagine that your daughter comes home from school kind of stressed out from the new environment and tired from lack of sleep. She is gonna be very grouchy! And you are probably feeling the same way. That all adds up to fireworks. Here are 3 really good links on insomnia and ways to get better sleep!
http://impactadhd.com/organize-your-life-and-family/it-all-starts-with-sleep/
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/22/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=January
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/757.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=april
By the way, I noticed that you said you also had depression and anxiety along with the insomnia. Those are all very common co-disorders of ADHD or ADD, and in adults usually have been caused by the AD/HD. Have you ever considered that you also might have ADHD?
http://impactadhd.com/organize-your-life-and-family/it-all-starts-with-sleep/
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/22/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=January
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/757.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=april
By the way, I noticed that you said you also had depression and anxiety along with the insomnia. Those are all very common co-disorders of ADHD or ADD, and in adults usually have been caused by the AD/HD. Have you ever considered that you also might have ADHD?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hey, I hear you! If it makes you feel any better (it probably won't), I have seen this same problem many times on the ADHD forum where I am also the CL. That forum is here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175 Feel free to check it out and see if it looks like I have a clue about what I am talking about. Also feel free to use it.
My first thought is that the meds are too high. She should not feel like a zombie! That is an over dose. In fact the caution for the patch is - "Even low dose patch may be too strong for a child." The doses are 10,15,20 or 30 with the child recommended ranges at 10 to 20. Talk with your doc about what is going on. The other problem with the patch is that it takes 2 hours for it to become effective. And by the way, the patch is supposed to last for at least 1 hour after it comes off - so something is really wrong here. Virtually all oral medications take 40 min or less to become effective. If she can take pills, that is something to consider. And if she can take an Adderall type of medication - Vyvanse is a very smooth med that will last 10 to 12 hours. And it can be titrated down to a very low dose if needed and given as a liquid. But, it is going to take some experimenting to find what works. Oh, and most studies have shown that unless you need to take a child of the meds for diet reasons (to get them to eat more on weekends), it is best to keep them on the meds during the weekends as this helps to train the brain.
So getting the medication correct will help. But, then there is all the other stuff. Frankly, there is a lot of information that you should have gotten that would have helped you, but have not.
And yes, time for yourself is huge! Hopefully, she will be able to get involved in some kind of after school programs, etc. that will help.
But just in terms of information on how to better deal with her. As you have found out - the traditional ways don't work. Sad, you had to learn that the hard way.
At the risk of giving you too much too fast - I am including 4 links going from the specific to the general on working with an ADHD child. Take your time in reading them. They will make a difference.
The first is pretty specific and I think you will find it useful.
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/88/slide-1.html
This is shorter, but also very good ideas.
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/100/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=July
This is just a link to a whole bunch of articles on parenting an ADHD child. Look for something interesting.
http://www.additudemag.com/channel/parenting-adhd-children/index.html
Finally, this is literally 100 tips for raising an ADHD child. Many of them are just the little things (on diet for example) that can make a difference. I would try and just scan a bunch every night and maybe copy paste the ones that make sense onto a blank document.
http://www.additudemag.com/100-adhd-tips.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=July
Ok, I have given you tons of stuff to think and read about. Take some time to digest it. Get back to me anytime you have a question either here or on my ADHD site.
Best wishes.
My first thought is that the meds are too high. She should not feel like a zombie! That is an over dose. In fact the caution for the patch is - "Even low dose patch may be too strong for a child." The doses are 10,15,20 or 30 with the child recommended ranges at 10 to 20. Talk with your doc about what is going on. The other problem with the patch is that it takes 2 hours for it to become effective. And by the way, the patch is supposed to last for at least 1 hour after it comes off - so something is really wrong here. Virtually all oral medications take 40 min or less to become effective. If she can take pills, that is something to consider. And if she can take an Adderall type of medication - Vyvanse is a very smooth med that will last 10 to 12 hours. And it can be titrated down to a very low dose if needed and given as a liquid. But, it is going to take some experimenting to find what works. Oh, and most studies have shown that unless you need to take a child of the meds for diet reasons (to get them to eat more on weekends), it is best to keep them on the meds during the weekends as this helps to train the brain.
So getting the medication correct will help. But, then there is all the other stuff. Frankly, there is a lot of information that you should have gotten that would have helped you, but have not.
And yes, time for yourself is huge! Hopefully, she will be able to get involved in some kind of after school programs, etc. that will help.
But just in terms of information on how to better deal with her. As you have found out - the traditional ways don't work. Sad, you had to learn that the hard way.
At the risk of giving you too much too fast - I am including 4 links going from the specific to the general on working with an ADHD child. Take your time in reading them. They will make a difference.
The first is pretty specific and I think you will find it useful.
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/88/slide-1.html
This is shorter, but also very good ideas.
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/100/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=July
This is just a link to a whole bunch of articles on parenting an ADHD child. Look for something interesting.
http://www.additudemag.com/channel/parenting-adhd-children/index.html
Finally, this is literally 100 tips for raising an ADHD child. Many of them are just the little things (on diet for example) that can make a difference. I would try and just scan a bunch every night and maybe copy paste the ones that make sense onto a blank document.
http://www.additudemag.com/100-adhd-tips.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=July
Ok, I have given you tons of stuff to think and read about. Take some time to digest it. Get back to me anytime you have a question either here or on my ADHD site.
Best wishes.
Also, should mention, I have a son, 24, he is an amazing man. he is in the Army and was such a blessing..... He never disrespected me or acted like this. She has now "played" with fire 3 times that I CAUGHT! Who knows how many other times there were! I am gonna wake up in a fireball! I am scared to sleep.
I guess I should add.... We both have insomnia and I have depression and so many other things on top. We always had a good relationship. We cuddle, read, she sleeps in my bed (she has separation anxiety) I have all around anxiety.... She has had a good life so far. Her dad is just that.... he doesn't help with anything. I have JUST decided to call him. i don't care if he is her friend, I need a break. I maxed out my card to get him a plane ticket to come help me. Even if it is just so i don't have to deal with her. I don't know. I can answer more questions. just trying to give a lil background info I guess... :/
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