I have a 7 year old daughter and and 8 year old nephew. My nephew has been living with us for almost 2 years. Anyways, I had went into my nephews room and seen my daughter standing on his bed with her pants down and my nephew sitting on the bed. As soon as they seen me my daughter immediately pulled up her pants.
I shamefully admit that I did not handle this situation correctly and feel the worst. I immediately freaked out. I sent my daughter to her room and my nephew stayed in his. I left them in their rooms and went to calm down for a few minutes then later talked and ended up yelling at them :( I know that I dealt with this situation wrong and I feel so ashamed and stupid.
Anyways, after discussion I had learned that my nephew had been touched by his older brother and a friend before he came to live with us. He had also mentioned that he has watched movies with sexual scenes in it before he moved with us as well. I had also learned that this has NOT been the first time between my daughter and nephew (they said that this has happen a few times before). From what I have gathered, they have touched each others privates while their clothes were off. Both have initiated. I have caught my daughter before when she was younger but never with another kid till now.
There may have been a time where she has seen something on the television but nothing that I meant for her to watch, for example, she would be sleeping in her room while my husband and I would be watching a movie where there happens to be a sex scene and she just so happened to walk into the living room to ask for something and seen the TV; of course I immediately removed her. I remember the one time I had caught her humping a pillow and I had asked her where she learned that from and she said me and my husband. Please understand that she has a tendency to walk into my room half asleep to crawl into bed with us. She had probably tried to do this but we were obviously in the middle of something. I am guessing she just went back to her room cause she never did mention that until I had confronted her about her sexual behavior.
I don't know what to do...have I traumatized my kids from my reaction? How do I fix this? How do I talk to them? How do I know that they are telling me the truth about everything? How do I deal with this? How do I deal with this when they both live in the same house? I do not feel that I could send my nephew back to his mothers as that is where he was touched my his brother and friend and has seen movies. That home is not a place for him to be. Am I bad parent? I don't know what to do!! I'm so lost...
I was also sexually abused when I was a child. I believe that my reaction may have stemmed from that experience as I remember telling my grandmother about it and she was not supportive at all. She was very abusive emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't want to be like her. I have somewhat of a memory doing this (experimenting?) before when I was a child and was never caught so I don't know how to deal with this at all. Please help me someone...:(
Hi there. Well, first let me say that I'm really sorry about this situation. Ugh. When you are a mother, this is like an arrow to the heart. Forgive yourself for handling things badly as you had a base level reaction and that would be pretty natural walking in on something clearly wrong.
I would do a couple of things. First of all, your nephew is a victim. Poor guy. And you are absolutely right, there is a cycle to child molestation in that children molested often go on to molest. I would find this boy a counselor immediately. See if insurance will cover it and see someone that specializes in his age range. I'd talk to him, have your husband talk to him and be frank. We know what happened to you, we are so sorry, you can not do this to other kids, we are watching, etc. etc. etc.
Then talk to your daughter. Good touch bad touch. NO ONE is to touch your privates. She is to come to you if they try and you will not get mad and yell. you promise. She needs to feel safe talking to you.
Humping her pillow is likely unrelated and something many kids do. BUT, she's now been sexualized and you will need to watch her closely. If you see any signs of her acting out sexually, you should consider a counselor for her too.
I hate to have you send the boy back to where abuse happens. But your number one concern is your own daughter. If you can keep him at your home and watch the two of them like a hawk----- that is what you'll have to do. No bedrooms together, no closed doors EVER. No in the basement together alone, etc. You can also think about it there is another family member where the boy could go. I do worry about him and his emotional state with the moving around---- but your daughter has to be safe. If you can't manage the two of them, then he'll have to find different arrangements. I do wish you luck. I'm very sorry this happened.
Im in a similar situation with my 7 yr old son I adopted at the age of 2 who was sexual abused, I had him in council at the age of 4 and again now at the age of 6-7, as they get older the feeling in their body gets stronger for curiosity. Counciling and keeping open doors and communication open is very important. Good luck
I know I'm late to the discussion, but I would say that you should not kick yourself for how you handled that. Most parents would probably do the same thing. Parents will make mistakes, but children will learn from it all the same. To be honest, I don't think you handled it too badly.
When I was 3 I discovered humping my bed on my own. That's natural. When my daughter was 12 I accidentally walked in on her humping her pillow. I quickly apologized and left the room. Later she tried to tell me she was doing something else, but I cut her off and told her that what she does alone with her body is her business alone, but it was natural and she shouldn't feet embarrassed about doing that. Then she asked me a bunch of questions about sex, which I answered honestly without being weirded-out, gross or lewd, and she respected me for it. For the remainder of her teenage years she confided in me with a lot of things and we kept an honest relationship. She even informed me when she was thinking about having sex with her then boyfriend (later husband) for the first time and I was able to inform her about all types of options of contraception and what she should expect.
The problem comes when parents feel they can't speak to their kids about sex, and they begin to experiment on their own.
Now granted, your daughter is a lot younger than mine was when we began to talk about sex, so maybe the talk should be a little different, but you should feel comfortable speaking to her about it. Sit her down, and let her know that doing that with her cousin is not right and why it's wrong. Don't be afraid to discuss it.
I'm happy to say that my daughter is happily married now to that same boy she lost her virginity to at 17 and she made a healthy decision with someone she loves. She never felt the pressure to do it when all her friends were doing it because she had me to speak about those things and give her some guidance.
She always tells me that she respects that I was able to do that while being a single dad. And sure, as a father, it was a little uncomfortable to speak to my little princess about sex, but I knew she needed advice from an adult and it was better coming from me than some horny teenage boy that only wanted one thing-or worse- some perverted adult.
So speak to her and speak to your nephew. Definitely get him some counseling for his past trauma. That kind of thing cyclic, so you want to nip that in the bud while he's still young.
Also, I will note that sibling or children that are raised together, often experiment with things like that when they're young. That's why parents should remain vigilant and not shy away from any sex talks.
Iam a single mom of two girls a 12 year old and a 10 year old. Iam having so much trouble with my ten year old, and even though I have my mother helping me out with raising my children, I am so lost. First she is doing bad in school with her grades not behaverial issues. She is just not doing her work and has a very very difficult time comprehending in her head. For example if she reads and needs to think and work all at the same time she fails at this act, once anybody else reads she'll most of the time get it with still a bit difficulty. And Just tonight I caught her watching sexual videos on you tube, I have to say I reacted bad I was just so furious to see that when it comes to school there is always an excuse but her brain seems to work perfectly fine when it comes to looking for sexual videos online. I don't know what to do Iam so lost how do I handle this situation. I don't have job that provides me with enough income to start her on counceling or even tutoring help I feel so helpless. Please someone help me know how to guide my daughter. I've looked online to see of a similar situations of early childhood sexual curiosity and this place was the closest at age range. I just feel that her curiosity of wanting to know about sexual acts is going to lead her to a very unhealthy sexual life and relationship understanding.
@specialmom As a married father, I'm not sure I can totally relate, but I will try...
Our daughter survived a malignant brain tumor many years ago and struggled through her entire schooling with many issues, including sexual ones. My best advice is to get over any stigmata's of "special education" and get your daughter evaluated with a complete neuro-psychological evaluation. Try to get her diagnosed as learning disabled (this includes dyslexia, short term memory deficit, etc.) This will open up a tremendous store of resources to you and her. Also, fully acquaint yourself with "IDEA 97". This details the obligations of the school district, as well as, statewide services, including counseling (of all types)
Well...If you feel that her curiosity towards wanting to know about sexual acts is going to lead her towards an unhealthy sex life and relationship understanding...be careful that you don't push that idea on her. Because then it might well happen that she ends up thinking that something is wrong with her.
The fact is we are all born with a sexuality, and there is not a set date when the awareness of it should kick in. It is very different from person to person.
Maybe you should help this young human being, who has discovered this part of life, get a healthy relaxed view on sex and intimacy..
It might also give you the benefit of sharing your wisdom, and relaxing a bit more yourself with this part of life.. ;)
I think most kids are just curiuos. I played doctor or show me yours and I'll show you mine quite a few times between 7 and nine. I think all kids do. It is just a natural phenomena. Don't panic and don't make a big issue of it. That's where the future psych harm would come from.
No I do not agree. Indeed a beg to differ. This is not a random experiment by 2 innocent children. This is mirroring past abuse. Therapy, counseling, this is not a simple issue. However it is treatable.
Eliminate all guilt, shame and fear from your mind. By doing this you will encourage your children to do this. This will open up communication and honest self expression. Human beings are extremely resilient - focus on the happiness of your daughter and nephew. Encourage them to be thoughtful, and compassionate people. Do not dwell in the past. The human spirit needs to go forward. After experiencing trauma we need to spend our time and energy on doing something productive for other people. Participate in that type of activity as a family - such as volunteering at a food shelter, or helping clean up a local park. At the end of the day we cannot protect ourselves or our loved ones from all the physical, emotional and mental challenges of life. What we can do is to encourage them to be bright, happy and kind regardless of what they are facing.
This is actually really normal. Although it is societally innapropriate, children will often play with themselves or others out of curiosity. Children who have been sexually exploited will try to reenact what happened to them with other children. This is normal, as children try to understand things through play. The best way to handle this in my opinion would be to sit them both down and talk with them about their bodies and how their organs are not yet developed. Private parts means that the parts are not for anyone else to touch but themselves. It's important to teach them that touching those parts is not bad or sinful, but that touching another person is inappropriate at their age. Since they're already curious about their bodies, you could even give them a simplified sex ed conversation. They have books (I recommend the American Girl book about the body). The important things to get across to them is that 1. It is inappropriate to play with someone else's genitals without their permission. What his older brother did was not appropriate and you should tell the parents. 2. It is okay to be curious and explore your body, but we keep our hands to ourselves. and 3. maybe explain to them why you were mad. That touching another person's genitals is a sexual act and not for children to do quite yet because they are underdeveloped and not yet ready for the repercussions of what sex does.
I wish you all the luck. I'd give them as much knowledge as you can about the subject. They're obviously curious and keeping them in the dark will probably only exasperate their curiosity for each other.
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