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HELP!! My 7 yr old daughter & 8 yr old nephew caught engaging in se...
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HELP!! My 7 yr old daughter & 8 yr old nephew caught engaging in sexual behavior?

I have a 7 year old daughter and and 8 year old nephew. My nephew has been living with us for almost 2 years. Anyways, I had went into my nephews room and seen my daughter standing on his bed with her pants down and my nephew sitting on the bed. As soon as they seen me my daughter immediately pulled up her pants.

I shamefully admit that I did not handle this situation correctly and feel the worst. I immediately freaked out. I sent my daughter to her room and my nephew stayed in his. I left them in their rooms and went to calm down for a few minutes then later talked and ended up yelling at them :( I know that I dealt with this situation wrong and I feel so ashamed and stupid.

Anyways, after discussion I had learned that my nephew had been touched by his older brother and a friend before he came to live with us. He had also mentioned that he has watched movies with sexual scenes in it before he moved with us as well. I had also learned that this has NOT been the first time between my daughter and nephew (they said that this has happen a few times before). From what I have gathered, they have touched each others privates while their clothes were off. Both have initiated. I have caught my daughter before when she was younger but never with another kid till now.

There may have been a time where she has seen something on the television but nothing that I meant for her to watch, for example, she would be sleeping in her room while my husband and I would be watching a movie where there happens to be a sex scene and she just so happened to walk into the living room to ask for something and seen the TV; of course I immediately removed her. I remember the one time I had caught her humping a pillow and I had asked her where she learned that from and she said me and my husband. Please understand that she has a tendency to walk into my room half asleep to crawl into bed with us. She had probably tried to do this but we were obviously in the middle of something. I am guessing she just went back to her room cause she never did mention that until I had confronted her about her sexual behavior.

I don't know what to do...have I traumatized my kids from my reaction? How do I fix this? How do I talk to them? How do I know that they are telling me the truth about everything? How do I deal with this? How do I deal with this when they both live in the same house? I do not feel that I could send my nephew back to his mothers as that is where he was touched my his brother and friend and has seen movies. That home is not a place for him to be. Am I bad parent? I don't know what to do!! I'm so lost...

I was also sexually abused when I was a child. I believe that my reaction may have stemmed from that experience as I remember telling my grandmother about it and she was not supportive at all. She was very abusive emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't want to be like her. I have somewhat of a memory doing this (experimenting?) before when I was a child and was never caught so I don't know how to deal with this at all. Please help me someone...:(
Tags: 7 year old girl, 8 year old boy, sexual behavior, live in same household
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, first let me say that I'm really sorry about this situation.  Ugh.  When you are a  mother, this is like an arrow to the heart.  Forgive yourself for handling things badly as you had a base level reaction and that would be pretty natural walking in on something clearly wrong.

I would do a couple of things.  First of all, your nephew is a victim.  Poor guy.  And you are absolutely right, there is a cycle to child molestation in that children molested often go on to molest.  I would find this boy a counselor immediately.  See if insurance will cover it and see someone that specializes in his age range.  I'd talk to him, have your husband talk to him and be frank.  We know what happened to you, we are so sorry, you can not do this to other kids, we are watching, etc. etc. etc.  

Then talk to your daughter.  Good touch bad touch.  NO ONE is to touch your privates.  She is to come to you if they try and you will not get mad and yell. you promise.  She needs to feel safe talking to you.  

Humping her pillow is likely unrelated and something many kids do.  BUT, she's now been sexualized and you will need to watch her closely.  If you see any signs of her acting out sexually, you should consider a counselor for her too.


I hate to have you send the boy back to where abuse happens.  But your number one concern is your own daughter.  If you can keep him at your home and watch the two of them like a hawk-----  that is what you'll have to do.  No bedrooms together, no closed doors EVER.  No in the basement together alone, etc.  You can also think about it there is another family member where the boy could go.  I do worry about him and his emotional state with the moving around----  but your daughter has to be safe.  If you can't manage the two of them, then he'll have to find different arrangements.  I do wish you luck.  I'm very sorry this happened.
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Avatar_f_tn
Im in a similar situation with my 7 yr old son I adopted at the age of 2 who was sexual abused, I had him in council at the age of 4 and again now at the age of 6-7, as they get older the feeling in their body gets stronger for curiosity.  Counciling and keeping open doors and communication open is very important.  Good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Im in a similar situation with my 7 yr old son I adopted at the age of 2 who was sexual abused, I had him in council at the age of 4 and again now at the age of 6-7, as they get older the feeling in their body gets stronger for curiosity.  Counciling and keeping open doors and communication open is very important.  Good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
I know I'm late to the discussion, but I would say that you should not kick yourself for how you handled that. Most parents would probably do the same thing. Parents will make mistakes, but children will learn from it all the same. To be honest, I don't think you handled it too badly.

When I was 3 I discovered humping my bed on my own. That's natural. When my daughter was 12 I accidentally walked in on her humping her pillow. I quickly apologized and left the room. Later she tried to tell me she was doing something else, but I cut her off and told her that what she does alone with her body is her business alone, but it was natural and she shouldn't feet embarrassed about doing that. Then she asked me a bunch of questions about sex, which I answered honestly without being weirded-out, gross or lewd, and she respected me for it. For the remainder of her teenage years she confided in me with a lot of things and we kept an honest relationship. She even informed me when she was thinking about having sex with her then boyfriend (later husband) for the first time and I was able to inform her about all types of options of contraception and what she should expect.

The problem comes when parents feel they can't speak to their kids about sex, and they begin to experiment on their own.

Now granted, your daughter is a lot younger than mine was when we began to talk about sex, so maybe the talk should be a little different, but you should feel comfortable speaking to her about it. Sit her down, and let her know that doing that with her cousin is not right and why it's wrong. Don't be afraid to discuss it.

I'm happy to say that my daughter is happily married now to that same boy she lost her virginity to at 17 and she made a healthy decision with someone she loves. She never felt the pressure to do it when all her friends were doing it because she had me to speak about those things and give her some guidance.

She always tells me that she respects that I was able to do that while being a single dad. And sure, as a father, it was a little uncomfortable to speak to my little princess about sex, but I knew she needed advice from an adult and it was better coming from me than some horny teenage boy that only wanted one thing-or worse- some perverted adult.

So speak to her and speak to your nephew. Definitely get him some counseling for his past trauma. That kind of thing cyclic, so you want to nip that in the bud while he's still young.  

Also, I will note that sibling or children that are raised together, often experiment with things like that when they're young. That's why parents should remain vigilant and not shy away from any sex talks.
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