Aa
HELP!!!
Let me first give you a little background. My husband is in the military and has been gone for the greater part of my sons life (he'll be 2yrs. in april). My husband actually just left last week for six months. My problem is that my son hits me in the face, head butts me and really just seems to hate me. His behavior usually seems much worse after a night at grandma's. He refuses to listen to me, no matter what I say. I was a preschoool teacher for 8 years and have a teaching degree, but I still have never delt with a child this mean. He doesn't do it to anyone else just me. He always plays very well with others and has strong social, as well as, language skills. He just started a new daycare and the ladies can't get over what an angel he is. Often times I ask them which child they're talking about because it seems like there must be a misunderstanding. I've done the time out for the length of his age, I always get down to his level and talk to him but nothing seems to work. what do you do when you're child hits you in public and in private? I really truely believe he hates me, he refuses to say 'i love you'... Please help me, please!!!
Thank you for giving me your time. Do you think had your son been diagnoised in his earlier years perhaps he wouldn't have had as rough of a time his first year of school? Thank you for educating me on what to look for, I appreciate it greatly. It sounds like you really put your heart and soul into being the best mother you can and really wanting (and getting) what is best for your child, I have great respect for you.
On monday my sons school moved him up to the two year okld room (he'll be 2 in april). They think that he's more advanced then the other 1's, so we hope this will work out. I spoke with his director on monday and asked about the hitting. She gave me some reccomendations on how to handel him when the situation presents itself. She told me to grab his hands very gently and rub his palms on my face while saying 'ezra we use soft hads' three times. Then I rub my hands on his face and say 'mommy use soft hands,' then put my palms up and ask him to show me his soft hands. I thought this would never work but sure enough it has thus far... He interacts well with other children. By what you've told me it seems to me as though he's on track. At home we do have a consistant routine, so he usually knows what's going on and what's going to happen next. Although, we are only human so sometimes we lag behind:) Thank you again for all your useful information and for taking the time, enjoy your beautiful son:)...
On monday my sons school moved him up to the two year okld room (he'll be 2 in april). They think that he's more advanced then the other 1's, so we hope this will work out. I spoke with his director on monday and asked about the hitting. She gave me some reccomendations on how to handel him when the situation presents itself. She told me to grab his hands very gently and rub his palms on my face while saying 'ezra we use soft hads' three times. Then I rub my hands on his face and say 'mommy use soft hands,' then put my palms up and ask him to show me his soft hands. I thought this would never work but sure enough it has thus far... He interacts well with other children. By what you've told me it seems to me as though he's on track. At home we do have a consistant routine, so he usually knows what's going on and what's going to happen next. Although, we are only human so sometimes we lag behind:) Thank you again for all your useful information and for taking the time, enjoy your beautiful son:)...
Firstly, with being on the autistic spectrum, there is a huge range of abilities and behaviours from severe to very mild and gifted. What all of the children have is difficulties in three main areas and enough difficulties in each area for them to get a diagnosis. What is difficult for anyone just looking into it is 'what is autistic and what isn't'. Let me give an example. One child might ignore other people/children in the same environment, another child might look but not join in, another might play alongside other children but not interact with them, another might try to make children play with them and try to force them to play the game they want, another child might only want to re-enact things they have already seen eg. on TV, another child might verbally request to play with other children but just not seem to know how to do it etc etc. All of those responses are very different - but they all show that the child has difficulties with social interaction and problems with social interaction are one of the categories in the autistic spectrum.
I first started noticing differences when he was 2.5 - 3 years old. He was talking (2 or 3 word combinations), pointing, bringing stuff to show me etc. He was happy to play on his own and didn't demand my attention, he showed some repetitive behaviours in some environments (but that is with hindsight - I didn't see it at the time), he didn't like to be picked up by other people and hugged or kissed. He would throw tantrums and I could not see the reason for it. He appeared deaf sometimes when I called his name. If I asked him a question I would sometimes get a totally unrelated answer. At 3+ he started using words and phrases he had heard on TV (this is called echolalia).
My next door neighbours are a couple of teachers, and they talked to me and said that his speech was not good and that he would have problems at nursery. I went to the doctor and spoke with the Health Visitor and they both said that he was okay. His nursery teacher raised concerns, and when I spoke with the nursery owner she said 'he is just a typical boy'. So, although I had my concerns - and there were behaviours I was puzzled by, I was always reassured that all was okay. Then he started school at 4.5 and after 6 months they called me into school because they were concerned about him. He was very anxious in class. He would try to hide under the table or in the cupboard or roll himself up in the carpet. He would bang his head on the table or scratch at his face or walk up and down the room. He was frequently in tears. He didn't appear able to follow simple instructions, he just wasn't paying attention at all in class. And these were all behaviours I wasn't seeing at home.
So the school referred him, and he was assessed by a Speech and Language Therapist (for language and social interaction skills), a Clinical and Educational Psychologist and an Occupational Therapist (he has Sensory Integration Disorder). The speech therapist saw him first - about 4 months after referal - and she told me to expect a diagnosis of autistic spectrum from his speech and interaction skills. It took another 18 months of observations and assessments for him to get a diagnosis.
He is diagnosed as high functioning autistic. He is in a mainstream school that has experience of autistic spectrum disorders. He has all his work presented in an autism friendly way ie. verbally and visually with symbols, pictures for daily timetable etc.
He's 8 now, and I have a good handle on how he ticks.
If you do have concerns I would raise them with his paediatrician and ask for him to be referred to professionals who have experience of diagnosing autistic spectrum disorders. He won't get a diagnosis if he isn't on the spectrum.
What is his speech like? If it is delayed or disorders that rules out Aspergers. If his speech is typical or advanced with autistic behaviours and obsessions (but obsessions can start at a later age) that usually means Aspergers.
If he does have good social and play skills, which are hard to judge at his age, but if they are okay then he won't get a diagnosis. If he had other characteristics of autism then he would get a diagnosis of PDD NOS (google that to see what it is). You can also google DSM IV for autism and see the diagnostic criteria.
He might be an angel at nursery because there is so much routine and structure that it makes him feel secure and everything is predictable. Most children like that, but especially those on the spectrum.
I first started noticing differences when he was 2.5 - 3 years old. He was talking (2 or 3 word combinations), pointing, bringing stuff to show me etc. He was happy to play on his own and didn't demand my attention, he showed some repetitive behaviours in some environments (but that is with hindsight - I didn't see it at the time), he didn't like to be picked up by other people and hugged or kissed. He would throw tantrums and I could not see the reason for it. He appeared deaf sometimes when I called his name. If I asked him a question I would sometimes get a totally unrelated answer. At 3+ he started using words and phrases he had heard on TV (this is called echolalia).
My next door neighbours are a couple of teachers, and they talked to me and said that his speech was not good and that he would have problems at nursery. I went to the doctor and spoke with the Health Visitor and they both said that he was okay. His nursery teacher raised concerns, and when I spoke with the nursery owner she said 'he is just a typical boy'. So, although I had my concerns - and there were behaviours I was puzzled by, I was always reassured that all was okay. Then he started school at 4.5 and after 6 months they called me into school because they were concerned about him. He was very anxious in class. He would try to hide under the table or in the cupboard or roll himself up in the carpet. He would bang his head on the table or scratch at his face or walk up and down the room. He was frequently in tears. He didn't appear able to follow simple instructions, he just wasn't paying attention at all in class. And these were all behaviours I wasn't seeing at home.
So the school referred him, and he was assessed by a Speech and Language Therapist (for language and social interaction skills), a Clinical and Educational Psychologist and an Occupational Therapist (he has Sensory Integration Disorder). The speech therapist saw him first - about 4 months after referal - and she told me to expect a diagnosis of autistic spectrum from his speech and interaction skills. It took another 18 months of observations and assessments for him to get a diagnosis.
He is diagnosed as high functioning autistic. He is in a mainstream school that has experience of autistic spectrum disorders. He has all his work presented in an autism friendly way ie. verbally and visually with symbols, pictures for daily timetable etc.
He's 8 now, and I have a good handle on how he ticks.
If you do have concerns I would raise them with his paediatrician and ask for him to be referred to professionals who have experience of diagnosing autistic spectrum disorders. He won't get a diagnosis if he isn't on the spectrum.
What is his speech like? If it is delayed or disorders that rules out Aspergers. If his speech is typical or advanced with autistic behaviours and obsessions (but obsessions can start at a later age) that usually means Aspergers.
If he does have good social and play skills, which are hard to judge at his age, but if they are okay then he won't get a diagnosis. If he had other characteristics of autism then he would get a diagnosis of PDD NOS (google that to see what it is). You can also google DSM IV for autism and see the diagnostic criteria.
He might be an angel at nursery because there is so much routine and structure that it makes him feel secure and everything is predictable. Most children like that, but especially those on the spectrum.
Thank you for taking the time, it means more then you know. I've never tried the bedroom tactic for fear that he may associate him being in trouble. However, the way you've explained it does make me look at it differently. I will definitely try this the next time the situation presents itself. I must say we have a to the minute schedule 'routine', so he often knows what to expect. I'm not sure how he feels about daddy coming and going. I know that from day one (literally) he has always shown some sort of acknowledgment, that something is different, in his own way. He is thrown of when daddy leaves and when he comes back home. I'm sure that he can sense some feelings of stress, fear, sadness, etc. from me and he may be feeding off it.
If you don't mind me asking, at what age did you identify autism in your child? What were the characteristics to look for? My son does not like to be held, cuddled, he doesn't say i love you or show any signs of affection. My husband and I do show affection ( not too overly) but that of course is only when he's in town which is right next to never... Have you ever heard of this? I thought he would at least be affectionate with me but he's not. He never has been even since birth (yes, he was breast fed)... Again, thank you and have a good night.
If you don't mind me asking, at what age did you identify autism in your child? What were the characteristics to look for? My son does not like to be held, cuddled, he doesn't say i love you or show any signs of affection. My husband and I do show affection ( not too overly) but that of course is only when he's in town which is right next to never... Have you ever heard of this? I thought he would at least be affectionate with me but he's not. He never has been even since birth (yes, he was breast fed)... Again, thank you and have a good night.
I have a son who is autistic, and I have heard many other mums with children on the spectrum say the same thing - about their child being good as gold everywhere else, but when they come home it all comes out. I'm not suggesting your child is autistic as he seems okay with his speech and social interaction, but there maybe other times in his day when he is finding it hard to comply all day long.
He is also getting to the terrible twos, so he will be starting to assert himself.
With my son I have always find that counting helps him to either start or stop something. So, if I have asked him to do something and he isn't doing it I repeat the phrase and then do a slow count 1 - 2 - 3. And he always complies.
Another thing we tried that works is instead of a naughty step we tried 'time out'. And we use that as a cooling down strategy. My son usually goes upstairs for around 8 mins (he is now 8), and this is for him (and for me) to distance ourselves from the situation and hopefully stop that upward spiral. If your son is throwing a tantrum put him in his bedroom just for a couple of minutes and tell him "you are very upset/angry/mad etc about XXX and you need to stay in your room and calm down. After 2 mins go into the room and see how he is - if he's still going leave again saying "you need to calm down" etc and repeat this until he is calm. When he is calm you can talk through what happened. Don't use alot of language. At 2 years old keep it very short and simple eg. "I told you to turn off the TV and you hit me - hitting is not acceptable". Then you say sorry/hugs/kisses etc etc. But do not take it personal it is not a reflection of his feelings towards you.
How does he get on with day coming and going? Do you think he may blame you at all for dad leaving? Or does he find it hard when dad comes back.
Another thing you can try to getting some predictable structure into the day. So you can use a symbol timetable - sometimes that helps younger children understand what the plans are for that day.
He is also getting to the terrible twos, so he will be starting to assert himself.
With my son I have always find that counting helps him to either start or stop something. So, if I have asked him to do something and he isn't doing it I repeat the phrase and then do a slow count 1 - 2 - 3. And he always complies.
Another thing we tried that works is instead of a naughty step we tried 'time out'. And we use that as a cooling down strategy. My son usually goes upstairs for around 8 mins (he is now 8), and this is for him (and for me) to distance ourselves from the situation and hopefully stop that upward spiral. If your son is throwing a tantrum put him in his bedroom just for a couple of minutes and tell him "you are very upset/angry/mad etc about XXX and you need to stay in your room and calm down. After 2 mins go into the room and see how he is - if he's still going leave again saying "you need to calm down" etc and repeat this until he is calm. When he is calm you can talk through what happened. Don't use alot of language. At 2 years old keep it very short and simple eg. "I told you to turn off the TV and you hit me - hitting is not acceptable". Then you say sorry/hugs/kisses etc etc. But do not take it personal it is not a reflection of his feelings towards you.
How does he get on with day coming and going? Do you think he may blame you at all for dad leaving? Or does he find it hard when dad comes back.
Another thing you can try to getting some predictable structure into the day. So you can use a symbol timetable - sometimes that helps younger children understand what the plans are for that day.
Thank you for the advice, I'll give it a try. I do explain to him that it makes me sad when he hits me and that he can hit a ball or a drum but not mommy? Perhaps, he's feeding of my stress... My husband has been leaving since he was a month old and even at that young age I think he could sense that daddy's gone. He's always a handful the first week daddy's gone, so this behavior shouldn't surprise me. This last time my husband was home for three months which was the longest he's ever been home since our son was born. So maybe he's really missing him more because it got so use to him being there for him? Anyhow, thankyou so much for your advice and I'll let you know how it goes:)
Your son doesn't hate you. It sounds like you are having a very rough time. I tell you what I was told once...Mom is the constant in his life, no matter what, your kid knows that you're going to stick around. A lot of times kids at this age will store everything up all day and then when mom gets home they freak. I think it's their form of release b/c they know you're there for them. As for going to Grandma's then coming back a nightmare...I have that problem. Does grandma have rules? Does he get constant attention and basically anything he wants at grandma's? Kids even at 2 can be maniplative(sp?). He's just testing you to see if you'll give in. I'm guessing these behaviors start after he's told no or you're trying to get him to do something??
My heart goes out to both of you having a husband and dad in the military must be heartwrenching for you both. Did your son's behaviors start after your husband left?
At 2 he may not really have a good idea of why dad is gone. He's probably very scared and a bit confused.
Just be consistant with your son. And pick your battles. Make sure to praise him for all his good behaviors. (I'm sure you know all this having worked as a preschool teacher but...) Start taking toys away everytime he hits you. You have to find something that is going to make an impact on him b/c timeouts obvisiously aren't working. Have you tried uping the legnth of the timeout?? Have you tried explaining to him how it not only hurts you physically but makes you sad as well when he hits you?? He needs to understand that what he's doing is wrong b/c of how it makes you feel. Saying "we don't hit" isn't always enough for some kids. If you can tap into the emotion behind the hitting maybe you can solve the problem. Asking why he hits (sad, angry, etc...)??
Sorry to keep rambling...Hope maybe something I wrote will help.
My heart goes out to both of you having a husband and dad in the military must be heartwrenching for you both. Did your son's behaviors start after your husband left?
At 2 he may not really have a good idea of why dad is gone. He's probably very scared and a bit confused.
Just be consistant with your son. And pick your battles. Make sure to praise him for all his good behaviors. (I'm sure you know all this having worked as a preschool teacher but...) Start taking toys away everytime he hits you. You have to find something that is going to make an impact on him b/c timeouts obvisiously aren't working. Have you tried uping the legnth of the timeout?? Have you tried explaining to him how it not only hurts you physically but makes you sad as well when he hits you?? He needs to understand that what he's doing is wrong b/c of how it makes you feel. Saying "we don't hit" isn't always enough for some kids. If you can tap into the emotion behind the hitting maybe you can solve the problem. Asking why he hits (sad, angry, etc...)??
Sorry to keep rambling...Hope maybe something I wrote will help.
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