Handling a family situation concerning discipline

I am seeking advice or suggestions on how to initiate discussion concerning behavior problems and discipline with another family member without being confrontational. Here is the situation: It involves two five year olds, a girl and a boy.  The girl is currently seeing a counselor.  She has already been through some tough situations i.e. a parent who has been in cancer treatment, and a marital separation.  The girl has always been able to get away with anything prior to the situations I have already described, and it has become worse recently. She has not had any consistent boundaries or discipline in her life. She was staying with different family memebers during the cancer treatment, so she had no real stability when she was 2-3 years of age. The counselor suggested to the family that everyone who cares for her- mother, father, grandparents - need to establish boundaries for acceptable behavior and consistent consequences when she does not act in an appropriate manner. No one seems to be taking the counselor's advice.  The girl is allowed to act in an aggresive (aggressive) manner with the boy when they are together at the girls house. In these situations, the boy is not with either of his parents.  They are at work. The girls taunts him, she hits him with toys when she is mad, she pushes him, and she tells him that he is a "stupid human being' and that he is "ugly."  The adults who are in charge in these situations tell the girl to stop or else....but they never follow through with any discipline or consequences.  She throws monumental tantrums when she wants something, and this behavior is reinforced because they end up giving her whatever it is she was throwing the tantrum for in the first place.  A recent exapmle is when the two children were together, the boy was playing with a toy.  The girl wanted that toy so she grabbed it from his hands.  The boy was upset and told an adult. The adult told her not to do it, but in the same breath asked the boy if the girl could have a turn because she through a fit.  He gave it to her because he was asked to do so. He did not want to get the girl mad. This has become an ongoing goal in the family.  Do anything so that the girl does not get mad. I feel that this is definately affecting the boys self esteem.  Whenever he is with the girl, he comes home in a prickly mood.  He has a hard time expressing the frustration and anger he feels as a result of this. When he is disciplined at home ( a time-out, no spanking) for not listening to his parents, he responds by saying "you think I am stupid!" and "I'm ugly." He said that the girl tells him that and he no longer wants to play with her. His parents try to explain to him as best they could that her behvior has nothing to do with him but that's difficult to understand for someone his age. The boy's mother wants to keep them apart until the girl's behavior is addressed within the family because it is getting out of control and it is affecting the way the boy feels about himself.  Do you have any suggestions or advice on how to handle a situation such as this?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jen,

Actually, the counselor has already offered the guidance which, if followed, will make a difference. When mutiple caretakers are involved in parenting young children, establishment of a consistent structure and implementation of a systematic behavior management program can be difficult to achieve. But, difficulty aside, it needs to occur if there is to be progress.

It might be necessary, if the counselor is agreeable, to get all the caretakers in a room at the same time to work out the specifics of  how to parent these children in the area of behavior management. It's important that all the parties want to contribute to this soletion. If the will isn't there, it will not be possible to make much progress.

Also, try as best everyone can to limit the number of people who are **** the parenting, and limit the amount of transitions and comings/goings that the children must endure. Lack of stability itself can be unsettling, and this of course is exacerbated when the parenting behavior itself is wanting.

[dorian]

I have seen this kind of situation before with my cousins. Never got done nor a solution found.  These two cousins are beating their mother, spit on her, I mean the uttermost disrespect toward any parent I have seen. THey are now 14 & 16 and they are given everything at any cost to the parents just to keep them from being profane and etc. And to this moment i have never seen them get punished. Spankings didnt result with them. I dont know what to tell you exept that you are still in time to make a change. And you better step in and defend that boy regardles of the tantrums she might do and set your foot down. I really wish you luck and the firm boundaries are the key. I wish I had advise but all I have is This little comment. DORIAN