Hateful Daughter

My 8 year old daughter has really started being mean and hateful to other kids.  She has never had a behavior problem at school and she doesn't now but at home she is just hateful and mean.  It is usually in things she says.  She does not act physically violent.  I have a home daycare and sometimes she will hit a child but not very often.  She just says things to hurt feelings mostly and usually does it.  It mostly seems to be at the other kids in the daycare.  She has always been almost "too good" By that I mean I used to worry about her because she was really quiet, shy and a real worrier and she still has those tendencies but now this is accompanying it.  She is not that hateful around the neighbor kids her age because she is an only child and is always ready to play with them, but with the daycare kids she is totally different.  She wants to play but is also kind of mean.I don't know if that is because they are smaller than her or she just resents them being here. I ask her and she says she wants them here.  Part of me is glad she is coming out of her shell a little bit and the rest of me doesn't know quite what to do about this hateful behavior.  She has always been a worrier such as upset stomach when school starts or when she starts something different. I was just needing to know what you thought and if you have any advice on how to curb this hatefullness.
Thanks, Tia

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Ms. Fullerton,

An important aspect of your daughter's presentation is that her behavior marks a change from the usual. It hasn't been 'in her nature' to be mean. When children demonstrate anomalous behavior, it usually indicates that they are responding to some psychosocial stressor. Sometimes they are not even cognizant of the stressor or 'what's bothering them'.

Because she seems to be directing her anger toward the children under your care, it's a reasonable assumption that she may be desirous of more of your attention or in some other fashion she is envious of the daycare children.

However, while the above is a reasonable assumption, it may not be correct - only your daughter knows for sure. Sometimes children will direct their anger toward an available, vulnerable 'target', even though the issue may not directly involve the target of their unreasonable behavior.

So, you might chat with her about how you've noticed lately that she seems to be more angry than she usually is. See if she recognizes this aspect of her behavior, without suggesting that it may have anything to do with the daycare children. See if you can discover what may have her in this unsettled state.

All the while, be sure to set firm limits on physical aggression. It would probably be best to establish an 'automatic' consequnce for any act of physical aggression. You might also institute an incentive system, using a chart, whereby she is rewarded for demonstrating safe behavior (defined as absence of any physical aggression).

If you run into roadblocks in trying to discern what might be unsettling her, consider making an appointment with a pediatric mental health specialist, who might be able to help you understand what's prompting this change.

[jm123]

A related discussion, hateful behavior was started.