Healthy Friendships and Self Esteem

We moved to a dense suburban nbrhd where, 3 /12 years ago, most of the kids were already formed into a social group whose parents also socialize continuously.  Our family has been unable to "break into" this group perhaps due to ambivilence about whether we want to belong to a social group with somewhat different values than our own. I am a social person, but my husband is not--he is very intelligent but by nature reclusive.  As a family we have social connections through church, soccer (my husband coaches), and school (I am treasurer of the PTO).  

As adults, we are OK not being part of the ongoing socializing that occurs regularly in the neighbor's yards around us, but I am worried about what effect this apparent "social exclusion" will have long-term on my children.

My 7-yr-old dtr is a bright, attractive, healthy child. She plays soccer, takes gymnastics, swim, and piano lessons, and has occasional playdates with school or Girl Scout friends (I (mom) am her GS Troop leader). She performs above grade level in both reading and math (perhaps gifted, the school will test her this fall). She is also athletic and performs well in sports and physical activities.  In her 1st quarter report card her teacher called her a "positive leader, excellent role model, and diligent student"  

My 4 1/2 year old son is also physically talented and is starting to read, so academically seems as though he will follow his sister.  His pre-school teacher says he has "excellent play skills and is a good friend."

Despite their gifts, we teach our kids humility and to never boost themselves at the expense of others.  We don't over-value intelligence and athletic ability over things such as compassion, loyalty, and trustworthiness. In other words, we are not raising kids who are full of themselves.

As the children get older, it's difficult for me to watch the play activies (our nbrhd is very open visually--no trees) of other children and see my kids "left out".  Both my kids have had regular play dates with a couple of the children in the nbrhd, but mostly play with outside kids.  To compound matters, my dtr's best friend in the neighborhood has "dumped" her this summer and will not come to play here or invite her there.  

My big concern is self-esteem.  While I feel my children have alot going for them, and a few solid friendships outside our neighborhood, I feel that being an "outsider" in our own neighborhood will harm their self-esteem.  I don't like being made to feel like an outsider myself, but my strong friendships in the larger community keep me from despair. Will this also be the case with my children?

My dtr watched intently just now as a group of girls walked from one neighbor's house to the other. She didn't say anything as she turned away. One of the girls was here last week for a play date but since then won't return my dtr's calls. I'm afraid to bring it up for fear of making my dtr assume she should feel badly.  

What, if anything, should we do?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You are obviously trying very hard, and apparently with success, to bring up your children in a sound fashion. It sounds like they are doing very well. It also sounds like the neighborhood is not a good match for your family. While it won't likely be a crisis as the kids grow older, it also will be a source of stress as they proceed into childhood without really establishing roots in the neighborhood. And it will be hard for them to do so if you and your husband are not really integrated into the neighborhood. I'm inferring from your note that you have contemplated moving. Have you? If not, and if it is feasible for you to do so, it might be worth considering. Your own happiness in a neighborhood will be the most significant variable in relation to how your children develop in a neighborhood. Too often 'these days' children don't have an enriching neighborhood life, for many reasons having to do with cultural shifts over the years. Nonetheless, an enriching neighborhood experience (particularly if the children will be going to school with neighborhood children) is a valuable ingredient in children's social development. Maybe locating a neighborhood environment that is a better match for your own values and personality traits would be a good thing for the family as a whole. If not, perhaps you can identify one or two parents or couples with whom you might establish some connection, thus providing a means of connection for your children. As you know, when you have young children, parents often establish relationships around their mutual contacts as parents. This can be a good thing.