Help! My 5 year old son having serious problems!

I have been having quite a time with my 5 year old son.  He is the youngest of my four children and has been displaying problems for over a year now.  

He can be the sweetest, most loving child.  He can be so sweet ... sit with me for a long time ... he loves to be hugged and loves to show emotion at times.  He behaves, uses manners, says yes please, no thank you .. etc.  He'll do what he's asked or told to do and with no arguments -- it's great.

Then, he can turn in an instant.  You almost don't know when this will happen.  It doesn't have to be anything to make him mad -- it can be just after he wakes up or it can be after he gets home from school.  He's even done a couple of things at school (recently) -- nothing as serious at home, but I'm worried that it's escalating in nature.     Sometimes the change can be due to being told no, being asked to do something, one of his friends not playing with him, his brother or sister not playing with him ... etc.  Sometime it can be something serious that causes the change and sometimes it can be be little .. and sometimes absoltuely nothing at all, there is no pattern in what causes it.  

When he gets angry ... his eyes get big -- he starts breathing angrily -- big, deep breaths that you can hear ...  He'll yell, he'll run at you and hit, kick, scratch you.  He has had times when he says I hate you, or I want a new Mom (sister, brother, etc.)  He'll say he wants to go to a new home, he'll even escalate at times and say he wants to kill you or he has stab he'll stab you - etc.  He can be just angry and mad or he can say really violent things -- again, no pattern.  It's really scary.  

When he's in his good moods, we almost all walk on eggshells and I know it shouldn't be that way.  We do almost anything we can to "preserve" the good moments and try to make the angry moments less.  The problem is, we can't always know when one might come on and almost anything (or nothing at all) can trigger it.  

When he gets angry -- we  just don't know what to do.  Yelling is no good, we all know that.  If someone yells back - or threatens to spank -- or tries to spank .. he just thinks you're fighting with him.  It's no good.  However, he won't do time out ... or anything "rational" because he's in a completely unrational state.  I wish I could explain it better, but I really don't know how to.  

I've looked into behavior therapy, but everything is out of network and they want tons of money to start any kind of therapy.  I don't think simple counseling is going to help my son -- when he's not in his moments - he doesn't understand what you're talking about ... why you're talking to him about being angry -- or, you run the possbiltiy of getting him angry just by talking about it.  When he's in his anger state -- he won't listen.  Nothing you say gets to him, it's as if his sense of hearing is turned off and everything irrational has turned on suddenly.

Help, please!  I love my son and do not want this problem to escalate to something more serious.  I am so worried that things have been slowly escalating as he didn't use to act this way at school .. but, in the past two weeks .... I've been called once by his principal because he (my five year old son in Kindergarten) kicked a third grader in the bathroom and  left marks on him.  Then, the other day he got angry at his teacher and took his glasses off and broke them -- just because he was angry.  

Oh, that's something I forgot to include -- he does break things, tear things up, and throw things.  If you send him to his room -- or if he's in a room that has things in it ... when he's angry, he will break or throw things.  Just today he threw things around in my daughter's room and we've yet to get him to clean them.  He just doesn't respond to us when he gets in these modes.  They can last anywhere from a few minutes to the whole day.  

Thanks for listening (well, reading)!

[motherandteacher32]

I've just joined because I too am a bit concerned about my 5 yr old son. I would like everyone's ATTENTION PLEASE! I am reading so much about parents who have young children displaying anger issues and tantrums that are currently treating their children for medical issues like ADHD and ODD. Please consider that your child may be showing the early signs of a mood disorder, particularly bipolar disorder. Don't be frightened...hear me out.

I have a beautiful, wonderful, smart, loving little 5 year old boy who is starting to display some intense anger toward me. When he is set off, usually from some sort of frustration or disappointment, he wants to lash out at me. He does this in a variety of ways including, becoming defiant, yelling at the top of his voice, stomping his feet, jumping up and down, crying, balling his hands into fists, accusing me of being mean and ruining his day, breathing heavy, coming at me and getting really close to my face with his fists at his sides, kicking and hitting inanimate objects nearby, telling me he doesn't love me, interrupting me with yells when I try to speak to him calmly, etc. Eventually it can turn to self-loathing, including calling himself stupid repeatedly, slapping himself in the face, or praying out loud that he can listen to his parents.

He rarely displays any behavior problems at school, and he doesn't act up as badly for his father because he fears the spankings his father gives. In fact, he will actually lower his voice to speak angrily at me so his father won't hear him. This has become a more frequent occurrence within the last month.

Some of you may be familiar with some of these behaviors, but, so am I. I am a 32 year old mother of one and teacher who was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder and depression when I was a young teen. The unfortunate part is that I spent many years struggling with my anger, and no doctors/psychiatrists ever diagnosed it correctly. When I was about 16 and threatening to cut my mother's (I love my mother more than life itself) eyes out while she slept, my family even began to talk of concerns of possible demonic possession. I knew that I wasn't in control of myself during these times of rage, but I knew I wasn't possessed. That was when I started doing my own research, and was relieved when I read the book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." I finally had the answers to my horrific behavior toward those I loved, and the answer was bipolar disorder. It was extremely hard to diagnose because I am intelligent, social, adaptable, articulate, and it only happened at home toward those I loved the most and felt the safest with. I believe my depression and bipolar disorder are genetic coming from both sides. My paternal grandmother has not been formally diagnosed, but displays severe symptoms of bipolar disorder and my father has displayed intermittent explosive disorder (rage) periodically throughout my childhood. My mother and sisters have all suffered from depression in adulthood.

I've been on various medications to control the manic states of my bipolar disorder and depression since I was a young teen. Thankfully, I live a normal high-functioning life with only some bouts of difficulties. (Don't we all have our own challenges?)

To be honest, it's been a long time since I actually read up on bipolar disorder, but I will try to explain what it's like for me. One who suffers from bipolar disorder may have anger issues or display rage due to an intense fear of abandonment. The cause of that fear can have many origins, including chemical imbalances and traumatic events. The way in which one acts out because of this fear can also vary. (I remember reading that some people with bipolar disorder become sexually promiscuous or get heavy into drugs) Those who have anger/rage issues tend to act out toward those they love the most, or fear losing. Hence the fact that I was so awful to my mom when I became upset.

I did read a comment by someone who posted that they would actually leave the house, lock the door, and retreat to the garden when their child raged. They made sure the house was childproof, but got out of eyesight and harm's way until the child eventually calmed down. However, she mentioned that this often took a long time. She said eventually she started to try to hold him and comfort him during his sob stage, which helped calm him.

Here is the key with bipolar disorder. We push away with ferocity, when what we really need and want is closeness/love/reassurance. We will come across as hateful and vicious, but we are crying inside for our loved ones to tell us to stop because they are going to love us no matter what.

This may not fit for many of your children, but if you think your child may have some of these tendencies, it may be worth looking into. I know I will be looking into child onset of bipolar disorder to see if I can get any insight into my son's recent behavior.

Good luck with all of your children. The answers may not always come easy, but there are answers:)