Help? 11 yr old cousin exposed himself to my 6 yr old son

[balyz123]

My 6 year old son recently informed me that his 11 yr old cousin showed him his penis and said show me yours.  Then, my son went on to tell me that his cousin lied to him.  When I asked him why?  My son replied that he (11 yr old cousin) said he would give him $10.00 to kiss his wee wee but he didn't give me the $10.00.   OMGosh!!  
We have talked about privates and explained all that. My husband and I can't believe that our son would make this up.  We've talked to our son, calmly, to let him know that this is not right and REVIEWED with him again that privates are private, etc...   I've talked to the 11 year old's Dad to make him aware.   Question:  Could my son make this up?  We don't think so.   What has our nephew seen or heard to try this with his 6 year old cousin?   What do I do to help my son?   Thanks for your input!

[katiebkool123]

I very much disagree with what you have posted.  It IS a huge deal that a boy 5 year older did this to a younger boy.,,,this is not "sex play" between kids that are about the same age.  What this 11 year old did was NOT normal.  Not only was he showing himself to a much younger boy, but he apparently did so as an ultimate goal to get him to perform oral sex on him...and promised him a reward!  Red flags!!

Also telling the younger girl to "watch out for" the older cousin is similar to what has been said to girls for ages and ages..."watch out for uncle Joe and stay away from him."  This puts all the responsibility on the child to stay safe at an age when their parents are there to protect them.  I am proud of my daughter who refuses to allow her daughter around an older cousin who took advantage of her, even though much of the family is against her on this.  She doesn't want the child to feel uncomfortable around someone who caused her distress, confusion, and broke her trust.

Both of these older kids need to be involved in therapy, as they are headed down the wrong road, and their parents need to intervene.

[1ringmaker]

As in my last post. It is common for kids to be curious. Your daughter obviously was bright enough to bring this information to you. Explain to her that the cousin needs to be watched out for and that she should avoid being alone him (or any male). Then explain to the cousins parents what he did (calmly) so they can be diligent as to who he is alone with.
Realize this is common. Unless you were brought up in an extremely protective environment then im bafelled as to how this is such a shock.
The only advantage you have is your daughters trust. Explain to her ehat happened and why.  Shes not as delicate as you may think. Also explain thatshe is ggetting to an age that boys are going to notice her and that she needs to be cautious who she is alone with. Ive no doubt it will happen again to her so you may as well prepare her so she knows how to deal with it.

[1ringmaker]

The comparing of genitals is not uncommon in children. The extent a child will go in this comparison is predicated on opportunity and upbringing. It used to be that if a child became curious as to how they compare to others they had to wait till high school and comunal showers (the aggressivly curious and the more dominant personalities would push the envelope and find a younger less threatening friends, neighbors or relatives to approach. Now though with information so readily available on the internet even the mildly curious can find plenty of info to satisfy how they compare and are they "normal".
The fact that the 11 year old attached oral to the equation tells me he has neen hanging out with slightly older boys and the topic of oral sex came up. Just as easily the 11 year old could have 'seenit on the net' with sexuality so commonplace in our lives its hard telling where the seed came from. BUT it is ccommon for developing children to experiment. It is just comming at younger and younger because of the exposure.
Praise your son for his confidence in you and support his caution. Tip off the parents of the 11 year old so they can be diligent as to who thier son has access to. And dont sweat it.  Your son seems to trust you and your guidance.
My curiosity is if you would have been told any of this had the 11year old made good on the $10.00.

[kerryxx]

My 11 year old cousin showed his parts to my 8 year olds daughter face I am disgusted in this and also he told my daughter to pull her pants down I really don't know what to do how can I trust my cousin to be around my daughter help!!

[margypops]

Maybe ask him to go tell him you have met someone and he may move in with you, that you need the space, be firm give him a date so he can find somewhere to go with the child .If he wont then you will have to take legal advice and go to court.Good luck

[mickey187]

I am 70 years old and single.  I have met a wonderful man and we plan to get married sometime next month.  The problem is that my 33-year-old nephew and his 10 year old daughter have been living with me and now I want them to find their own place.  He doesn't have a job but is on some sort of disability.  He has never paid me rent or helped on the utilities.  He has mostly been a freeloader.  What can I do to get him out?

[allmymarbles]

The best thing might be to talk to the cousin's parents and have them talk to their son. You might tell them, if this is how you feel, that you would like them to continue playing together and ask them what measures would be appropriate to keep this from happening again.

[Ashelen]

I agree with the last responder. I don't think you can take this TOO seriously. I think you should immediately see a child psychiatrist to get their recommendations. I was 2 when my 19-year-old cousin began molesting me and almost 5 before family members discovered it and stepped in. Even though the cousin is only 11, that's more than old enough to know better. You really need to try to push your family to get a therapist to evaluate their son because either A) he's done this before or B) this has been done to him before. normal, healthy, developing children don't enter puberty and begin seeing younger family members as objects of sexuality.

I would NOT let the children play together until you have seen a child psychiatrist and go from there. Even supervised...because your son may be feeling odd about what happened and have no ability to express it (especially since you've so clearly told him that it was wrong, which was a good thing to do) and causing him to be around the cousin may cause all sorts of feelings of insecurities that he is not old enough to deal with or comprehend.

I agree that you don't want to blow it out of proportion but that's how they handled what happened to me and it took years of therapy once I became a teenager to deal with the issues I was holding on to because the theory of "the less said the better" did NOT work. I had a lot of issues, mostly because I felt like a walking taboo, because no one would talk to me about what happened so while I knew something wrong had happened I didn't know who had made the mistake, him or me, and it turned my world upside down.

So I would recommend the first step being that you see a child psychiatrist without your son being there and see what they recommend...and request that the therapist sees your child at least once and helps him understand what happened without alienating him (They'll be better at handling this than you are...they know how to approach it without making him feel like he did something wrong). and the second step is...I would not allow my child around the 11-year-old until he is being treated in therapy, and then only under MY supervision. his behavior WILL be repeated and worsen if it's not addressed. he's not 7 or 8...he's 11. he's old enough to know what he was doing was wrong.

hang in there, but definitely at LEAST see a child psychiatrist or therapist to get a consult and see what they recommend. they may recommend nothing...but they may recommend some things that could help your child avoid having issues with this at any point in the future.

[slmoore1126]

My daughter was 5 yrs old when a adult family member molested her, he didn't penetrate her, but he invited her to touch his penis with her hands and mouth.  At first I thought she was making it up until she explained to me exactly what happened.  If you know your child has not been exposed to that type of behavior before, then by all means believe what he is telling you.  Do not keep this under wraps or on the down low unless you don't want to discuss this with other family members, but think about seeing a doctor or therapist to help you and your child to have a better understanding of what has happened to him.  Molestation can come from any person at any age and has many forms, it is serious.  I speak from experience because I didn't know anything about this world until it happened to my daughter.  You and your husband have every right to be concerned about what has happened to your child.  Talking with you child is very important, but talking to your family doctor or a child psychiatrist about it is as well, you will learn a lot I promise you.  I don't want to alarm you or make you blow this up to a mountain by worrying, but I think talking to a professional about the situation will help you and your family understand the situation a lot better.

[stayathomemommyof2]

i would leave it to his mom and dad but make sure something is said your nephew is 11 and son 6. your nephew should def know better.I would allow playing together( for now unless the situation gets worse) but only with close supervision ( withu supervising) . this really concerns me because i feel an 11 year old shouldnt do this if i were u i would be afraid something worse could happen to your child and i would find out why your nephew did this his parents really need to address this has he saw something or worse something has happened to him.PLEASE explain to your child to never allow anyone to touch his privates or let anyone talk him into touching theres and tell your child what a good job he did by telling u and how imp it is to always tell u these kind of things.Im sorry and wouldn be so concerned if they were both 6 but 11 that worries me.

[balyz123]

Thanks - in line with other info I've been reading and hearing.  I now include a review  of the 'privates are private' speech in conjunction with other questions like 'If someone ( a stranger ) ask you to help find their lost dog, what do you say?"  so not to bring to much attention solely to the "private" discussion.   However, should I allow them to play together?      Should I talk to my nephew?  or just leave that to his Mom and Dad.  

[allmymarbles]

It doesn't sound as though he made it up, but he made have heard about such an event and made it personal. You have already told him that the cousin's behavior was not appropriate, nor was his (to a lesser extent). Now you have to keep the whole thing low key. Too much emphasis and he may well become more interested.