Help me with my 9 year old

I need help with my 9 year old son. I read many people complaining that some boys at this age are scared of things. My son scared of everything. He is scared of darkness so he will turn lights every where just to move around the house. He is scared of speed so he doesn't like to skate or ride bike. He is scared of heights so he doesn't go on rides. Basically this kid doesn't do anything or doesn't even trying new things because he is scared. I tried to encourage him and sometimes it works but usually he just refuses to do. He gets very emotional but when I am pushing him to express him self he had difficulty. I am wondering if this is because he is scared that he will get punished or he is lacking in vocabulary. Yet he does very good in school and everyone thinks he is very smart boy. He has a huge imagination and loves to play with dinosaurs. I feel like he is a little immature for his age. My husband scared to send him to camp only because he thinks that stronger or bigger boys will take advantage of him. I don't know what to do. I want him to be more open to things and not to be scared of everything. Any ideas how should I encourage him to toughen up and to enjoy life by trying things.

[AnnieBrooke]

Those fears seem excessive for age 9; is he learning to be fearful from his dad?  (You used the word "scared" when you said your husband didn't want to send your son to camp.)  I would consult a child therapist at this point, since your son is so anxious.

[SeriousSam]

Enroll him in jujitsu if you can. Preferably Japanese though Brazillian might work.

It is a soft form martial art and he'll learn confidence flexibility, self defense and the mystical art of...... breathing!

[benjimom]

Have you ever look at Sensory processing disorder symptoms.  Please go online and do so.  Maybe he just feels very uncomfortable doing things. I htink they call this vestibular function, but please look it up.  If you feel like this fits, talk to your dr about getting him evaluated by an OT.

[aid821]

I have to say i was alot like your son when i was younger, i would refuse to try anything new and was comfortable doing what i knew already. Some kids are like that, and some kids are more adventurous. I don't think it's such a bad thing as such, but the only worry i'd have is if he didn't have any friends or wasn't social.  Being scared of the dark, rides etc he will grow out of eventually.

My mum used to encourage me every step of the way and i know that alot of time it would frustrate her to no end, but she kept at it. Eventually as i got older, i harnessed alot of that encouragement and grew from it.

My advice would be to let him play with his dinosaurs and let him develop his own interests as time goes by, while providing him with encouragement. In fact you should embrace it as alot of kids these days want to be adults, live like adults and have the best of everything at such a young age!

[Sandman2]

   Being scared of speed and height are very normal things.  They still scare me, but I have learned to deal with it.  Darkness I like cause we always played games in the dark or at night.  Point being - if these are his only fears, I wouldn't worry too much about it.  If there are numerous other fears, than its a different ball game.
  I will say after spending years as a swim instructor and teaching kids to swim that had horrible fears of water it is possible to break those fears.  But you don't do it by throwing the kid into the pool.  It takes a very slow step-by-step approach.  And the more its like a game, the better.   By the way, there is a big difference between "encouraging" someone, and teaching someone.  Telling someone to jump, jump off a 3meter divingboard is very different then taking the time to work foot by foot or inch by inch upwards.  
    So if you really want to help him, I would say that getting rid of the fear of darkness might be the easiest.  Frankly, I think a certain fear of height and speed is good.
   Also, if he is doing well in school, he probably will do well in camp.  There are bigger kids at school too.  What does he think?  If he likes the idea, it should work.
    Finally, I think I understand what you mean when you say, "I want him to be more open to things and not to be scared of everything."  that's a wonderful thought, but I think that you really do want him to have a certain fear of somethings.  When he hits his teenage years, it really becomes important to have a few sound fears.
   So how do you help?  SeriousSam has a good idea.  In fact any activity that will give him a sense of physical ability would be helpful.  And try to do things with him and in small steps.  Of course some things like eating vegetables may never happen.  Good luck!

[Julie359]

I was wondering, has something recent or otherwise happened that may of caused his confidence to plummet?  Maybe he tried something out of his comfort zone and had a bad experience, so now each time he is asked to try a new idea or adventure he automatically thinks it will turn out bad and as a result becomes anxious.

Personally, if you havent already done so, i would, in a relaxed environment, sit or play with him and start to ask general questions to find out why he may feel so anxious.  Dont force answers but maybe use your own life experiences to encourage him to open up... like you could say... i remember when i was little and had my bike, it felt great feeling the wind blow through my hair.... wouldn't you like to feel the wind blow through your hair?  and when he answers 'no', you can then ask something like...why what do you feel would happen if you rode on the bike?  Then if it is purely all about speed you can explain to him that he is in control all the time and HE decides how fast or slow he goes because he is in control of the bike not the bike in control of him.  If he feels he will fall off, then tell him you can place stabillzers to the bike until he feels confident to ride indepedantly..... Bascially each answer he gives you find a way to place him in control of the situation, so he can see that he has chocies in that sitation and that he can make the situation a good one and it wont automatically turn out bad.  

The whole problem here is confidence.  He needs to trust in himself and those around him to keep him safe and secure....Also dont force him to do stuff, as this can just turn a child off as well, if you continue to go on an on about 'skating' for example and make him feel like he has to do it, then most of the time the fun will of just deminish and nothing will be achived....

Good-luck and let us know how he gets on.

[SeriousSam]

Gestalt.  This one of my favorite words because life is a gestalt where everything is connected.  How many people are in your household mom, dad etc...?


Any chance that your family is trying to save energy and now at night everybody has a lightsaber or lightsword that they will use instead of turning the lights on at night for a while.

What do you and your husband do with him?  Try to go camping, do you have a yard?  Maybe get him into fishing, slight of hand, you or your husband can start juggling and he can learn from you guys.

Honestly how are you guys as a family at trying new things?

I used to be afraid of heights but... I joined the military and had a choice of rappelling out of moving vehicles or being bushed out of flying moving vehicle.  And you know what heights still scare the h@ll out of me.  But it is also the biggest thrill that i have in fact I learned that fear can be just as exciting or more so than comfortable things.

The point is that not everything has to be faced head on but the things we are afraid of can give us our greatest thrills.   Stephen King says he is afraid of everything so he wrote horror, Einstein was bad at math guess what became his greatest thrill?

If he is afraid of the dark camp with s'mores and fire.  If he is clumsy teach yourself skills that you are clumsy at so he can watch you and learn with you as you get better as a family.   Believe it or not that families are not afraid to do stupid stuff together often end up happier and more secure with themselves.