Help with Speech

I have 2 children, a boy (17months old) and a daughter (3years 2months), I'll begin by explaining the problem(s). My daughter have a great understanding of how to care for her brother, how to get dressed & is all round a dream to be with but she doesnt respect her mother, she has a few word vocab and just wont accept help. I've tried reading, drawing, pictures, trips to the zoo everything, she has learnt a few words related to her brother (who she refuses to call by his real name) and wont say cup its "bock", im coming to my end and dont know what to do.
I arranged for her to see a doctor who advised speech therapy but he feels she is beginning to regress. Because of my work & partners education taking days out is very rarely an option and I do worry she doesnt interact as we live away from family and nursery is her only regularly interaction with children. As mentioned above we have tried teaching her to speak and rewarding her when she does it but it goes in round-abouts, one minute she'll try then she doesnt want to even attempt talking. We tried to teach her to use the toilet recently and its the same, some days she's aware & uses it, then others she just want go. Even when she has no nappy on she refuses to go when asked and wet's herself moments later. She's even started biting her fingers to the point where it leaves scabs where he teeth have been.

I am worried that its my fault she isnt developing, she has no respect for her mum, wont talk or use the toilet. I feel as though i've failed to raise her even though I continually try to help her. My son is coming along in the foot-steps of his sister and i want to fix his before he falls into the same trap. im worried, can you help. I dont want to do wrong by her.

[RockRose]

It sounds like you are convinced this child is purposely refusing to speak,  which is probably not the case.

When you say the doctor advised speech therapy,  does that mean she's going to speech therapy on his recommendation,  or have you not tried that yet.

That sounds like a good first step.

Best wishes.

[FatherOf2]

She isnt "refusing" to speak although I believe she has the ability to do so, most of her life has been just me, her mum & brother and i think she realizes she can get what she wants without it. Kind of like a "hold" if i do speak i get a reward, im probably losing my mind but its how it feels at times.

Speech Therapy has been recommended, were currently awaiting the referral before we can progress it but its a definate thing we'll try. I've also spoken with her pre-school teachers and they have all agreed to monitor her speech, encourage & note her development. As this has caused her to become withdrawn from the other children in group play.

[RockRose]

It sounds like the preschool  teachers are willing to help - and it sounds like preschool - and getting around other people on a regular basis is a good step to take.

It'll be interesting to see what the speech therapist says.  

Best wishes.

[FatherOf2]

I'm in work at the moment and i've got more charts of the internet and printed  them out, i've tried rewarding her in the past but i need to try something. is their anything i havent tried you can recomment?

Thanks very much by the way. I have to leave now but i'll check back in the morning :) Thanks again

[jdtm]

Have you ever heard of Selective Mutism?  This is an anxiety disorder whereby the child is so stressed she is unable to speak in environments which the child perceives to be unsafe.  Toilet and sleeping issues (as well as temper tantrums) are very common with this disorder.  The fact she does not use her brother's name, is withdrawn at school,  and also that she is biting her fingers are "red flags".  I might suggest you check the website "selectivemutism.org" for information to see if this might fit your child.  If this is the problem, speech therapy will not help.  One more question - is she speaking to the teacher and the other children at school or in the playground or to neighbours, etc.?  

If you think this might be the problem, please let me know - I've had a lot of experience in this area and can help.