Helping too much

[firechick15]

My seven year old son is "helping too much" in class and has basically alienated himself from other kids.  He gets good grades, he's very active and is always into something.  How can I explain to him at his level that helping the other kids is not always "helpful".  I've tried but I don't believe he understood because he did it again.  He also has been caught in lies but I think this is normal behavior for his age.  Are there any suggestions out there to help out?

firechick15

[specialmom]

Oh, I never said 'social outcast' but you yourself said his peers do not want his help and he is having a problem with this.  I had thought this was why you posted.  :>)  If it is a strength, then I would imagine you would be relishing in it rather than asking how to help him.  

We, luckily, addressed issues no matter how minor or severe regarding social skills with my son early on that eventually helped him with his peer interaction.  

Good luck to you and glad that this isn't really a problem for your son.  

[firechick15]

Thank You, we try and it is not easy today with instant gratification kids.

[firechick15]

Not all children who want to help out are social outcasts, my son finishes his work before the other kids, as far as too much praise at home I'm a mom of three 2 teenagers and a seven year old, when he does something he is suppose to do there is no praise because it is expected of him, he naturally has that need to help. As far as sportsmanship he does really well in sharing and playing in groups.  His teacher and I are working on a solution for him, he is to look up in the dictionary some words I give him and write the definition only after he is finished with his work and his teacher says it is okay.  You see my son likes the dictionary and likes to learn, he is one of the oldest in his class. Naturally I love my children but I will not coddle them through life if I can find alternatives to my children I do so.

[Sandman2]

   To a large extent this is really something that his teacher needs to deal with  (nicely) because to change his behavior it has to have some immediacy to it.   The teacher is the best one to do this as your son needs to know what action he is doing that is not appreciated.  At his age, it is pretty hard to talk about it after the fact - especially when you are not really sure what is going on.   His teacher can - very nicely and gently remind him about class rules about talking out or getting out of his chair or what ever he is doing.
   If you can give some specifics about what "helping out" is, we might be able to be more helpful.

[specialmom]

I think it is a problem if the other kids are shunning him for it.  Then it is a probably more like butting in rather than real help.

My younger son is like this and we are really working on it.  The 'know it all' is often not well liked by peers.  It's rather annoying.

We as parents do indeed need to help our kids be better friends and when their social skills are not quite up to par.  

good luck (and I've been there with this problem.)

[MarkLakewood3367]

I don't really see your son helping too much as being a problem.  I see this as an excellent characteristic in your son that I wish all people would acquire.  Unfortunately, we don't have enough people in this world that are willing to help others unconditionally.  In your son's situation, I am sure that any good behavior would offset his relationship with his peers.  I do not feel that this is your son's problem.  Rather, I feel that this may be the problem of his peers.  Please do not attempt to make him feel bad or uncomfortable for helping others.  And please do not ask him to be less helpful in order for him to conform to the expectations of his peers.  It sounds like you have a fine son.  Do not diminish this excellent characteristic.

[specialmom]

Hm, is he helping out or being bossy and inflexible?  Clearly, his intrusion is unwelcome and therefore, I would not view this as his trying to 'help' but as his needing help with his social skills.  

Does he have play dates and how does he do on those?  can he take others ideas as valuable . . .   as valuable as his?  

I also would not praise him quite so much at home and help him acknowledge the work and ideas of others.  

I'd help him with sportsmanship---  which means he has to be the loser sometimes and acknowledge that someone did better than him.  

This all comes to mind because at 7, thinking you know how to do everything in class well enough to tell or 'help' your classmates do it better has to come from somewhere.  And I would try to help him see that he might not be in the position to 'know' better than his peers.  

What does his teacher say about this?

And yes, it is fairly normal for that age to lie a bit to save themselves from getting in trouble or to look grandiose when insecure.  good luck