Helpless :(

[helpless77]

I have a 8yr old daughter that is almost 9.  I am on the verge of going insane. My husband and I have been trying everything to compromise w/ our dd, but she is always giving attitude and doing the same repeated things and doesn't seem to be learning from it when she ends up w/ a punishment.  When we send her to her room, she just puts up a fit and screams and crys, non stop. When we ask her why she does these things, she just says "I don't know"  As soon as she could talk well it seems like it is just getting worse. When I was a child I knew when I should stop or not open my mouth otherwise I would of got the backhand.  These days we're not suppose to hit our kids, but what else are we to do?  I don't know how to get through to her. We have tried to give her incentives and she also has a "to do" list for daily things she is to do, like brush her teeth, wash her face...etc...  She is good w/ everyone else and at school.  Also when she is w/ my husband or I alone she is pretty good, but as soon as we are all together as a family it is horrible.  She is a very smart girl, but she just seems to be doing things on purpose repeatingly to test us all the time.  I've asked her many time "Don't you want to be a big girl and stop doing these things, so you can do big girl things and she says yes, but that is as far as it goes. I'm getting to the point that my daughter is just not enjoyable to be around and it makes me very sad.  And it is so heart wrenching.
  

[helpless77]

Ty  all for your information.  I am definitely soaking it all in.  I don't take it personally at all.  I am greatful to get some insight on anything I can do to make things easier for me and my whole family. When I found this website. I felt like I was up against a wall and had no where to go, but w/ all the great info I have received, my hope is coming back.  I know it is tough to be a parent and it is a learning experience.  
Thank you Again.
=)

[margypops]

Thank you for giving us this information, many times it is a lack of parenting skills and knowledge is power I think many would gain form some classes .,children can be challenging there is no doubt but I often feel its the parents that could use some know how .which would be beneficial ..

[Pcwhi]

Dear Helpless,
It sounds like you have a very smart kiddo on your hands. She's learned all of your hot buttons. The fact that she behaves well for everyone else but you and your husband tells me that there is something you two are doing, as parents, that are causing the problem. That's really good news!! Because if it was something neurological or developmental then it would be much harder for you to "fix."

It sounds like what you need is a parenting class. Please don't take it personally- most parents can benefit from parenting skill training (whether they know it or not). I was in your very same shoes when my son was 3 and I stumbled on "Love and Logic." Many communities offer live classes but their books and audios are good too. They will save you life just like they did mine!

I teach it now and have had so many parents, just like you (and me), say how their lives have changed. Check it out. Many of their resources are in local libraries. Take good care and don't despair!! Once you learn how to set and enforce limits in a loving way, your daughter will change her behavior for the better. Do it now- before she hits the preteen years. It will be harder then.

Hang in there,
Lisa Greene
Parent Coach and Public Speaker
www.HappyHeartFamilies.com
www.loveandlogic.com

[looloo141]

I agree with everyone elses comments, this sounds like a very intelligent girl who knows exactly how and who she can get away with things with.
You are 100% correct about the in-laws, if you all aren't singing from the same hymn sheet she has the perfect opportunity to adapt her behaviour depending on where and who she is with.
Grandparents can be a nightmare for spoiling the grandkids...I have had many a crossed word with my kids grandparents! My Mum is finally coming round to my way of thinking, but it took her to see me extremely depressed and not feeling like I was able to look after my kids, they got me down that much! ( i am a single mum )
Follow the brilliant advice from the previous posts, and you could also give her Dad more responsibility, get them to spend more time together and hopefully he will see for himself what she can be like..he's probably thinking that you are overreacting or that you and your Daughter just clash a little ( you know what men can be like, especially with girls LOL )
Like you said she has no problems out of the house so she is a good girl really, you have no major problems to worry about, you just need to try some different strategies with her..
Good Luck, I know how hard it can be!

[helpless77]

Thank you Sandman2,  I will definitely check out that book. She is an only child.  I started to think maybe she is going through that only child thing, but either way I don't want to give her excuses for acting out the way she does.  My husband is more of a softy than I am when it comes to disiplining her. And it is tough to follow through w/ certain disiplinning acts, because my husband and I work full time, so she is over my in-laws house a lot.  I have tried to explain to my in-laws that we need them to help us on this because there not just grandparents that see there grandchild ever other wkend or so.  They see her all the time.  I have been fighting this kind of battle since she was 3months old.  But in the long run they seem to be slowly understanding what is going on.

[Sandman2]

     Nesi, you need to talk to your doctor and let him know what is going on.  It sounds like her meds are possibly wearing off too soon.  You didn't say how old she is, but if she has been on the same dose for a year or two, that should be reexamined as there requirements do change as they age.
    Also, its possible that you are expecting the meds to work like magic.  It also takes a lot of hard work on your part.  Hopefully, your doctor has been helpful in giving you skills to work with your child.  If not, the best thing that I can recommend is the book -  "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.    It will give you a lot of things to do to help the entire situation now and in the future.  Seriously, get it now!   Best wishes!!!

[nesi100]

I have the exact same problem with my only daughter. She is on adhd medicine but she still acts the exact same way your talking about. Especially with the both of us parents together and sometimes just me and her together. But he doesn't constantly participate in working with her and we live together. I am at a lost for what to do to break this behavior so if you find anything that works PLEASE let me know

[melipops]

HI, I wonder if the two of you as parents agree on the way you discipline her? I think kids will test the waters if they think it might start the two of you disagreeing. I agree with the above people and think she is smart it won't take you long. Good luck

[Sandman2]

    And let me add that the methods you have used to try and change her behavior haven't worked for you.  Let me suggest a very good book that I think will really help.  Its - "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.   Also since her school teachers seem to be able to work with her, that is a resource  worth looking into.  
   I am also curious if she is the only child?
   Finally, if she is a really smart child, she is using that intelligence to get her way.  Your confusion on how to handle her helps her to achieve that.  Do check into the book I suggested it will really help.   Best wishes.

[RockRose]

Helpless,  you've very clearly narrowed down the problem - she behaves well enough in all situations except when you two are together as a couple.  I don't know exactly what dynamic is going on here - but I think a good family counselor could observe the three of you in your home and pretty quickly understand whatever the dynamic is that's making her test you both when you're together.  

This sound very solvable.  ;D  Best wishes.