How can I get my girlfriends 4 year old daughter to like me?

[Andruha]

I am 43 years old and I have a 27 year old girlfriend with a 4 year old daughter. I am English and my girlfriend is Russian. For the past 3 years the daughter has lived with my girlfriends parents because my girlfriend needs to work and study and is unable to support and look after her. She visits her daughter every 2 to 3 months and typically spends a week at a time with her. My girlfriend's daughter has no contact with her real father. My girlfriend recently visited her parents and spent a week with her daughter after which she returned to the city where she lives with her daughter so that I could meet her and spend time with them both. Unfortunately her daughter appears to be extremely jealous of me and constantly says she is afraid of me despite my absolute kindness and concern for her. If I hug or kiss my girlfriend in front of her she either crys, runs away or pulls us apart. She will not hold my hand, allow me to hand her anything or accept any form of help from me. So far I have spent a day out with my girlfriend and daughter together five times over a period of 10 days but my girlfriends daughter's behaviour remains the same. My girlfriend and I are keen to live together as a family. How can we get my girlfriends daughter to like me and accept me?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You cannot make her like you. All you can do is be a reasonable person and treat her nicely. The rest will take care of itself. This little girl is acting in  a very normal fashion. It's no wonder she is possessive of her mother. You're asking an awful lot of her to think that she should be interested in you. The girl has little enough contact with her mother as it is, let alone share it with you. I think it would be sensible to adjust your expectations.

[Andruha]

I do not expect her to be immediately interested in me and I thought from the outset that this problem could arise. How much space should I give them? The difficulty for me is that I have been living in the UK since last December due to the fact I lost my job in Russia last October. I arrived in Russia on 10th June and stay until 6th July. During this time my girlfriend spent 1 week with her daughter without me in another city. Her visit was funded by me and she is currently reliant on my financial support. I have seen her only five times with her daughter and she will take her daughter back to her parents on 2nd June. On two of the occasions we met other friends of my girlfriend were present. What is the best I can do for the next few days? Currently my girlfriend would like to meet me but of course her daughter will not agree.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You and your friend should make this decsion regardless of what the little girl thinks. It is not up to a four-year-old to decide what adults are going to do. Now, it is totally her decision how much to like you. That is a different question. If her mother permits the little girl to veto contact, she is displaying very poor judgment.

[Andruha]

Kevin, thank you for answering to my questions it is very helpful. My girlfriend boarded a train with her daughter yesterday evening for the 20 hour journey to take her daughter back to the grandparents (my girlfriends parents). We met in a cafe before they left and I had given the daughter some presents. Her behaviour had been much as usual - jealosy, frustration, hiding her face from me at times. However, on boarding the train a strange thing happened which surprised me. I stood on the platform looking through the window to wave them goodbye. She stood facing me through the window with her mother, smiled and blew kisses to me and waved goodbye! Was this because suddenly she felt secure because she was returning to her home with her grandparents or was it because she realised actually I wasn't so bad after all or was it for another reason?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

None of us can know what inspired her to act the way she did. All you are left with is to wonder about it. Time will tell how this all proceeds. The important thing is for you and her mother to figure out between the two of you what to do. Yes, the little girl's feelings are not to be ignored. But at the same time her thoughts and feelings should not be the determining factor in how the relationship unfolds.