How do I discipline my children?

I am a seperated mother, I have three children all under the age of 5. My two girls are from a previous marraige and my son is from my current husband whom I am now seperated from. I am from South Africa but moved to Scotland with my husband as this is where all his family are, needless to say I am now abandoned and my children have no other family around except me and this puts a lot of pressure on me. My three year old daughter is very naughty and disobedient and no matter how I punish her she will do the same thing again ten minutes later. I am so frustrated I dont know what to do, I have tried time out, it has no effect on her and spanking works for about 10 minutes thing is now my older daughter is starting to mimick the younger ones naughtiness, I realise they could be looking for attention, but I also have a 14 month old baby and it is not easy. What do I do ??? How do I discipline them, I do not want brats, but I really want to discipline them the right way and with love.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Tracy,

You have your hands full, parenting three children who are so young and having to shoulder the task yourself. It's important to recognize, and accept, that this will not be easy. But it can also be rewarding and enjoyable.

It goes without saying that the foundation for effective discipline is a strong, nurturing bond with children. Hopefully you have such a bond. The essence of good discipline is a solid parent/child relationship.

Having said that, I'm going to challenge you on something you said. You spoke about time out not having been effective. My guess is that your method(s) of implementing time out is the problem. To be straightforward and truthful with you, in twenty-seven years of child clinical work, and having worked with thousands of parents, I have never seen an instance where time out was not effective, providing it was implemented in a reasoned, thoughtful, decisive manner. The fact is, time out is the single most effective method of discipline (though by no means is it the only tool).

Because we have written so often about time out, I won't repeat it here, but refer you instead to the MedHelp Archives, where you can read the replies to previous postings (under the topic Behavior Management/Discipline). Also, refer to the book S.O.S.: Help for Parents (by Lynn Clark), published by Parents Press. This is an extremely helpful, practical manual of behavior management, providing you with the 'how to's' that are lacking in many books about parenting.

Finally, try to locate some network of social suport for yourself, so you are not so alone. Such support will give you resilience and 'refuel' you to meet the challenge (and rewards) of being a parent to your three young children.

[Margot]

Hi Tracy!! i can relate to you- I am american and moved to mexico nine years ago. My husband is not from this city and we have no family. On top of everything I have problems with  the cultural differences, including how to raise children. I have nobody to talk to. I have two kids 4 and 5 and at times I just wanted to run away. Nothing works with my kids and people are always offering advice. I dedided to find someone to get them away from me for awhile. I joined a club that had a daycare and did my own thing for an hour- I like to do aerobics and I found it gave me a new attittude and some patience. I also found a girl who is in school and needed some extra money. She comes to my house for three hours two afternoons a week and oplays with my kids. At first I felt really selfish and like a bad mother but it has helped me so much. I am no longer the screaming mother who can't control my kids. Of course my kids can still be bad and I worried they are spoiled brats but I can give punishment better because I have more time to think about the best way to do things. Hang in there..Something that helped me alot is  web site called parent soup. I got a lot of good advice and it was nice to talk to mothers with little kid. Sometimes it saved my sanity Take care