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How do I explain to a six year old little girl that I'm not her father because her mom won't do it
Six years ago my ex decided to have an affair while we where still married. The worst part is she ended up preagnet. Now there are a total of 5 kids in my life and and only four are are mine. I have tried my hardest to be her father to her but now it's starting to effect my life and my biological kids. I have been asking my ex to please deal with it and to have her father do the right thing by her and she has not. She just want's to make pretend that it never happend and have me keep raising her but I feel it's not fair to me, my kids and the 6 six year old. I tried for my kids to do what I felt was right at the time but it had just become to hard. I have been divorced for 2.5 years now and she still has not tolded her any thing. The six year old want to be around me all the time when her brothers and sisters are over and it's causing problem as she is very needy and requires all my attention. Any suggestions!!!!!
I agree with all the above. If you don't want to be her dad, then why did you raise her as your own for the last six years? I'm guessing you were there for her birth and your name is probably on her birth certificate. You are her father by adoption and by law. To bail out on her now would be such a horrible thing to do--beyond what words can describe. You are all she knows as her dad; she's not going to want her sperm donor after all these years.
Someone I know in my life was born into this same situation. The mother had an affair and conceived a baby from it, but stayed married to her husband for about 5 years after it happened. She had the baby, and her husband raised the baby as his own. When they divorced, he was still there for the child, had his regular visitation and paid child support. He put his name on the child's birth certificate, raised and loved the baby as his own, therefore his is the father. When he and his wife divorced later, they'd had a biological child together as well. He didn't reject the adopted child after the divorce just because the child "wasn't his." The child (an adult now) was told about his conception when he was about 7 or 8 years old. It never accomplished anything. He's only ever acknowledged the man who raised him as Dad and the biological father never did a thing except pay a few visits during his lifetime. If his dad had abandoned him just because of divorce resentment and no biological relation--this child would have been left fatherless for the rest of his life.
That's what you'll set your daughter (yes, she is your daughter) up for if you don't s*ck it up and be a man instead of a resentful coward. She wouldn't deserve that, if you want to talk about what's fair to whom.
Someone I know in my life was born into this same situation. The mother had an affair and conceived a baby from it, but stayed married to her husband for about 5 years after it happened. She had the baby, and her husband raised the baby as his own. When they divorced, he was still there for the child, had his regular visitation and paid child support. He put his name on the child's birth certificate, raised and loved the baby as his own, therefore his is the father. When he and his wife divorced later, they'd had a biological child together as well. He didn't reject the adopted child after the divorce just because the child "wasn't his." The child (an adult now) was told about his conception when he was about 7 or 8 years old. It never accomplished anything. He's only ever acknowledged the man who raised him as Dad and the biological father never did a thing except pay a few visits during his lifetime. If his dad had abandoned him just because of divorce resentment and no biological relation--this child would have been left fatherless for the rest of his life.
That's what you'll set your daughter (yes, she is your daughter) up for if you don't s*ck it up and be a man instead of a resentful coward. She wouldn't deserve that, if you want to talk about what's fair to whom.
Reading your post made me feel really sorry for that little girl - I agree with everything written above. I hope you get your head straight and accept responsibility. She might not be your's biologically, but for the last 6 years you have been her father figure what makes you her dad. Excluding her now is evil and I hope your feeling don't shine through though I suspect your recentment towards her will only be too apparent as she grows up.
Very seriously, angelo, if you were married to her mama when she was born and did not take active steps then to refute paternity, including DNA tests and legal work, there is only so much time to do so (unless you live in Maryland). After a set number of years, you legally are the dad. And I might add, how do you know you are not, if you and your wife were together during the same time she was also unfaithful? How would you feel if you are holding a grudge against this child for existing, and you learned she was your child by blood as well as law? Did you have a DNA test then? My point is, treat her as though she is yours by blood, because she is yours by law, and as one of the ladies above said, one does not have a group of children and simply single one out to treat differently for inexplicable reasons. You will cause the child to feel unlovable, and it will hurt and mystify her. And the kids should not ever know, either. This is to destroy all their childhood trust, if you were to tell what you (think you) know. Please have some pity for the child. As I said, you never know which one will be your most rewarding child in the long run, it might be her as well as any of the others. Please take your grudge against your faithless wife out on your faithless wife. Not on the innocent product. Think of the adults in your life when you were a child who treated you well. Didn't they have a wonderful effect on you? How would you feel as a kid if suddenly one of them had turned away from you?
Agree with both of the above posts ... the dear child wants to be around you all the time ..well lucky you... to have a child's love is one of the most precious things can happen to a human being you are a very fortunate man some good folks have no children .Tell me why that is not fair on you
In fact, you are her dad, legally and emotionally. You can't suddenly decide you are not because she has gotten needy. She'll move through this phase, and who knows, she might turn out to be the best of your kids. The time to refute her was long past, you're her dad now in the eyes of the law and in her eyes. If you are a good man, you will suck it up and be a good dad.
You sound rather Selfish worrying about yourself instead of the emotional wellbeing of this little girl who doesnt have any faults in how she was conceveid ,I think you re reflecting the resentment that you hold against her mother on her ,perhaps because is easier to do so .
I assume YOU choosed to PRETEND to be her father all these years ,obviously she doesnt know that s not biologically true.
Now you decided its not what you want anymore and selfishly broke this child's heart and scarr her for life .
Fortunatley (yes fortunatley ) you ve made the decision to raise her as your own all these years which takes alot of maturity and strenght ,reversing this would completley crash her world ,would make her feel Unloved,Unwanted,A MISTAKE .This could lead to future behavioral problems such as substance abuse ,eating disortders ,mental illness and whether you like to hear it or not YOU and ONLY YOU will be responsible for that because you ve ACCEPTED the role of dad .
You all are a family ,forget she s not biologically yours ,a SPLASH OF SPERM IS NOT WHAT MAKES A FATHER .
I assume YOU choosed to PRETEND to be her father all these years ,obviously she doesnt know that s not biologically true.
Now you decided its not what you want anymore and selfishly broke this child's heart and scarr her for life .
Fortunatley (yes fortunatley ) you ve made the decision to raise her as your own all these years which takes alot of maturity and strenght ,reversing this would completley crash her world ,would make her feel Unloved,Unwanted,A MISTAKE .This could lead to future behavioral problems such as substance abuse ,eating disortders ,mental illness and whether you like to hear it or not YOU and ONLY YOU will be responsible for that because you ve ACCEPTED the role of dad .
You all are a family ,forget she s not biologically yours ,a SPLASH OF SPERM IS NOT WHAT MAKES A FATHER .
I'm not sure why you think this isn't being "fair" to the 6 year old.
I think what you're suggesting - that one of the kids in the group who by their mother's fault isn't biologically born of the same parents, but has been raised with the group, be excluded.
I think that would put a rift between the kids you do want - those who are biologically related to you - and you.
I certainly wouldn't feel secure in a divorced situation if my dad suddenly decided one of my siblings wasn't worth taking care of anymore.
I think what you're suggesting - that one of the kids in the group who by their mother's fault isn't biologically born of the same parents, but has been raised with the group, be excluded.
I think that would put a rift between the kids you do want - those who are biologically related to you - and you.
I certainly wouldn't feel secure in a divorced situation if my dad suddenly decided one of my siblings wasn't worth taking care of anymore.
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