How do i get my boyfriend to see that he is treating the kids different?

[Livelife1313]

Ok so my boyfriend has a son from his first marriage. His son and i used to get along great now it's just ok. At the the time he was only 7 years old, he is now 13 years old and now we have a 4 year that we had together. Now I know that both kids are going to have different needs and wants I understand that. What I don't understand is why my boyfriend seems to care about his 13 year old more then he does our 4 year old. He treats him different like example: one day his 13 year old son decided to take a hammer to the wall did this right in front or our 4 year old. So what do you think happen our 4 year old  did hit the wall with the hammer just like his brother. But who got yelled at and punished our 4 year old did...not the 13year old that should know better not to that in the first place. He doesn't have to clean up after himself I do it. He isn't even made at brush his teeth or take showers when He is here. (God for bid of I ask him to do something)He still pouts if He doesn't get his way. He just seems to let him get away with everything when he is here. I'm to the point where I'm stressed out the weekend before I know we are about to get him. What is it going to be this weekend ? Dad can I get that? Dad can we do this? Dad..dad..dad. It just seems like He comes over to do things all the time. That's all we are known for is money.  His 13year old lives about 2min away He could walk to our house to see us more or play with his brother nope doesn't want to do that because we aren't doing anything cool.so my boyfriend expects more out of our 4 year old then he does his 13 year old. (makes me so mad I can't even bring up his sons name without getting yelled at by my boyfriend) My boyfriend has even told me at one point that he loves his 1st child more then he does our son. How can you say that? Its like his own son is just a pain in the *** step kid. It drives me crazy to see how he talks to our son and treats him.
Another thing is I can't ever do anything our youngest without having to bring alone his son even tho hes only here every other weekend. Don't get me wrong I love taking his son places with us he has fun and my son loves having him around but shouldn't I still be able to take my son out without having to invite his son every time?  
One day I'm told we are all family another I'm told his son is not my family.I have tried talking to him about all this I get no where. What do I do? I'm so lost:(

[RockRose]

You paint a clear picture of what's going on,  and that's helpful.  

I think maybe you should look at this from your boyfriend's perspective.  He has two children one that doesn't have a great shot in life - his parents aren't together,  and he's struggling with adolescence,  and he only gets to see him every other weekend.  (I'm confused about that part actually because you say it's every other weekend and the son won't come over any other time and then you later say any time you want to do something with your son he's there too.  Actually as he would be if you two were a fully functional family)

It's interesting you bring up that he treats your son like a pain in the *** step kid,  and that's exactly the dynamic that's going on here.  This 4 year old is yours,  and the 13 year old is his.  From your  boyfriend's perspective the 4 year old has a cush life - both parents in the home,  and a doting and effective mother.  

I'm guessing your boyfriend feels guilty for the rocky start his son had,  and feels guilty giving his youngest child a much better start in life,  in full view of the 13 year old.    And yes,  the 13 year old does like to "do" stuff.  Kids that age don't want to lay around the house and help clean out the garage,  they want enjoyable adventures,  which is what your boyfriend wants to provide in the very limited time he has him.  That's understandable.

You say you can't even mention his son's name without getting yelled at - but look at it this way.   If you said "wow,  ______ did a great drawing!  He's really doing well in art"  or "Do you think ____ would just love this t-shirt?"  do you think you'd get yelled at?  It's likely you're saying negative things and your boyfriend is struggling with trying to defend his son.

I hope you work this out somehow.    The only person you can control is yourself,  and there are things you can do to make this better, like intentionally say nice things to and about his son.  

[Livelife1313]

Thank you so much for the help. I do try to mention his name in as many positive ways as I can. I will go shopping for him and take him places. What I was saying is that if I want to take my 4 year to chuck e cheese I should be able to without having to ask his older son to come with us. I understand 13 year olds like to do stuff. I used to also when I was 13 year. But I was raised different I grew up the same way my boyfriend's son did so I know how he feels that's why I do try to have a good relationship because I know how hard it can be not having both of your parents together. I guess it just seems he's ungrateful for what he gets to do when he comes over never says thank you to anyone. No respect the house my boyfriend and I share is my house. I would think that I should get a little respect from both of them. I get more respect from the ex wife.

[Dealingwithnarc]

(Also, if you saying anything negative about the 13 year old is causing him to yell at you, that is another red flag. It just isn't healthy. Teenagers can be little Jack wagons, they're notoriously hard to deal with. If you can't even vwnt to your spouse then k have to wonder how supportive of you he is. I sense from your post that your resentment is building. So your relationship is literally in danger. Time to seek real help before your resentment can't be fixed)

[Dealingwithnarc]

I think your boyfriend sounds abusive. I think you need therapy to peel back the layers.

Is your 4 year old biologically your boyfriend's? I understood that to be the case in your question. I don't care how much guilt he feels over his 13 year old, he shouldn't treat your 4 year old poorly because the child has a better start. That's not healthy thinking.

Possibly look up the scapegoat/Golden child dynamic and how much damage it does to both children. You're already seeing it in the helpless 13 year old.

The reality is you are not a maid, and if something makes you uncomfortable it should matter!!! If he doesn't want to force the 13 year old to pick up after himself and he wants to be the bank, fine. He picks up after the 13 year old (not you) and he spends on the child out of his extra income, not family income. IE you pay mortgage/rent, electric, gas, cable, cell phones, internet, savings, 401k, college fund to the 4 year old, should be split equally between you. What is left over for him is where his money should come from for 13 year olds college fund and "fun times". If he is currently giving you more than half the bills but then blowing money on his 13 year old so he can be the cool parent then he is 1 disrespecting you, 2. Disrespecting his 4 year old, 3 putting the family at financial risk and 4 not being a reasonable and responsible good example to his children.

If you're religious, the Bible says to love your wive as Jesus loves his people. Does your husband do this??

[Livelife1313]

Yes the 4 year old biologically his son. That's what makes this all so hard for me because eventually our 4year old is going to figure out.  what's going on. It hurts me to see how he gets treated so different. That's my thing I don't mind that he spends money on his 13 year old or wants to take him to do things but do the same for your other child. I think I should be able to take our 4 year old to chuck e cheese by himself if I want to without having to invite his brother every where we go.
Thank you so much for your help I really appreciate it.

[Dealingwithnarc]

I'm not saying you mind his spending, I'm just saying be sure you are not paying 75% of the bills so that he can play "fun daddy" to his older son.

Regardless of all that. There is really unhealthy undertones to everything you post about your boyfriend. He lives in your house but doesn't respect it or teach his son to respect it, he expects more from a 4 year old than a 13 year old, he yells at you when you say anything negative about his older son, he tries to control how you spend your time, he claims you're one big family when convenient for him (I suspect when he wants you to do something or pay for something) and then tells you you're not the mom/not a family other times (I suspect to hurt you= emotion abuse).  

Please realize just because someone doesn't hit you doesn't mean they aren't abusing you. There are many types of abuse: emotional, psychological, physical, financial, sexual, etc. Please look them up and see if any fit. Also please, please, please! look up golden child scapegoat parenting and what that does to kids protect your son, the 4 year old.

[Livelife1313]

Thank you so much you have helped me out a ton. Have opened my eyes to what's really going on that I wasn't always seeing.

[Dealingwithnarc]

It's hard to see when you're the one in it. There is help to separate if that's what you chose to do, or maybe two card him "therapy or separate" but something has to give, you deserve respect, love, equality and your emotions/feelings/comfort DO matter!!!