How do you get a child motivated?

[imanaddict]

My stepson is 10, almost 11. He's been living with us for almost 3 a half years. He has given us a LOT of problems and done some terrible things to my other kids. We put him in counseling and it seemed to work for a while. While the things he has done to the other kids have subsided, he has now started giving us trouble in other areas. It's like we'll get him broke of one bad habit and then immediately he'll pick up another. He used to do well in school but always got in trouble. Now it's the complete opposite! He doesn't get in trouble at school hardly at all but he seems to have lost all motivation in every sense of the word. He's gotten so terribly lazy about EVERYTHING! We have to remind him to get dressed, brush his teeth, do his homework, do his chores, etc. Every day he has a set schedule and I know that he knows what all needs to be done every day, so why do I have to constantly remind him?? These are all the same things (the rules have never changed) that he has been doing ever since he came to live with us. He seems to not care about any consequences, his answer to every question is, "I don't know."

Some background: His mother is a complete and total loser! And I'm not just saying that, she honestly is. She can't hold a job (she gets fired for stealing, not coming in, etc.) she moves every couple of months, she went to jail for truancy for not taking him to school and he failed the first grade due to all the absences. When we stepped in and took custody, she didn't even show up for court! She would pawn him off on anyone that would take him and one of her family members told us that she witnessed her kick my stepson in the back. Regardless of all that, he still loves her tremendously and that is his mother, so I get that. IMO, she has absolutely ruined her own son. She had him for the  first 7 years of his life, the fundamental years, but can/will these things EVER be broken for good?

Any ideas or suggestions?? We've tried everything we can think of!

thanks in advance!

[imanaddict]

Thank you again for your advice, and it's definitely some good advice at that! Deep down I was thinking along the same lines, that somewhere, somehow, his self esteem must be tanking. I do need to spend more one on one time with each child. It's just hard because the little ones don't understand why they can't go somewhere when one of the other kids get to go. Plus my husband works nights, making it impossible to take one kid somewhere and leave the rest but we still need to make it a point to do that when we can.

[Sandman2]

    Specialmom has some very good points.  Particularly the ones on self esteem.  Kids of this age don't do real well with long term rewards.  They really need to be pretty immediate, which is why earned activities can work well.
   Was a little confused when you said that now he doesn't get in trouble in school.  How is he doing grade wise?  If he is doing poorly, it sounds like he has learned to slip under the radar.  Then that leads to the next question - if he is doing poorly - why?  At least some of his symptoms sound like ADD (lack of ability to concentrate, easily distracted, etc.)  It may not be, but worth your time to read up on it.
  It is not unusual for boys of his age - through highschool to forget to do any and everything, but I worry when it begans to sound like they are giving up on everything, that usually hints at a strong sense of "I can't do anything right, why try?"  After a while, you have a self fulfilling philosophy and then you really have problems.
  Don't worry about him not caring about the consequences.  That happens a lot and is many times just a form of manipulation.  Just be very consistent and fair.
  Hope this helps, and as I said, you might want to read up on ADD.  Good book to start with is, "The ADD/ADHD Answer Book," by Susan Ashley.  I also like the "love and logic" idea.  Good Luck!

[specialmom]

That's really hard.  Okay, change of strategy.  What can you do to make him feel really special that is outside of the other kids?  Could there be something like a ball game or something he likes that he could do with either just his dad or the two of you minus any other kids?  I know that you have other children and you must worry about everyone's feelings-------  but sometimes it is hard to know where you fit in and if you are special vs. everyone else.  He may benefit from that.  Instead, he feels like a flop all of the time and probably that is demotivating in and of itself.  (not saying you are making him feel like a flop, just that he isn't doing great and it starts to feel like the norm).

Self esteem is a biggie.  I'd find something he is good at and play it up big time.  Give him lots of attention for it.  Make it your mission to make him feel good about himself and like he has some talents and skills.  Give him some kind of purpose.

I'd make tv, computer, and vieo games all earned activities.  And I'd check out "Love and Logic", the book.  Our school really recommends that to parents.  

This is a toughy and I hope you find the right answer!  good luck

[imanaddict]

Thanks to you both for your advice. We have tried the charts before for all the kids and it worked for a while then kind of fell off the face of the earth once it stopped working..lol! We try to reward good grades every 6 weeks (report card time) with paintball. The two older boys LOVE paintball so that is what we do. Unfortunately my stepson hasn't got to go the last 2 report card times because of his grades. My dad also rewards them with cash, so there is another motivation for good grades. I agree that the change of home life was hard on him. It's been almost 3 and a half years now so I'm not sure I can continue to let him use that as an excuse, ya know? I know his mother talks bad about us to him and tells him things like "if you act bad enough, you will get to come back and live with me." Once he told me that, I immediately had to do damage control and I told him that it just isn't that simple. If he were to ever go back and live with her, it would have to go through the court system and it's NOT an easy process, so he better not listen to her advice on that subject! Ugh...

[RockRose]

I agree with speciamom.  


Find something - ANYTHING - that he's really interested in,   and the rest will fall into place.  

[specialmom]

Oh, I feel bad for this boy.  It is hard to have a loser mom who abandons you and lets you go so easily.  That has to hurt on a deep level.  Good for you for stepping in to take care of him and mother him. But he is probably having issues with inner feelings regarding this loss.  Couple of things for motivation---------  you have to know what his hot button is.  Does he like to earn money?  Does he have a favorite activity?  I'd do a chart with x's for completing what is on that chart and he earns the money or activity after so many x's.  Start with shorter amounts of x's needed so he can get this taste of success.  Then although he is doing all the stuff he is supposed to anyway------- cheer him on like he is the best helper ever.  On things like not getting up in the morning . . . one trick is to let him face his own consequences.  If he doesn't get up------ he doesn't have mom or dad save him by "fixing" it.  There is a book called "love and logic" which is really great.  It is about natural consequences for kid's actions.  

I don't know if this is helpful at all.  But give these things a try and remember, he's dealt with a lot for a kid his age!  Best of luck to you and the family.