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How long do I let my baby cry?
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How long do I let my baby cry?

My son is almost a month old. He hates his crib and will only sleep in my arms. I am determinted to have him sleep in that crib. He has been crying off and on for a little over an hour tonight. Last night I only kept him in there for an hour and he cried pretty steady, tonight he is crying alot less. How long should I let this go on? The dr says only let him cry 5 minutes, but he will never learn that night time is sleep time if I do that. Others say let him cry until he falls asleep. I have a feeling that could be a while. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help?
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Avatar_f_tn
He is too young to let him cry for any extened period of time.  Your doctor is correct.  He needs to be comforted and held after 6 minutes.  This is an important part of the bonding/attachment process.  When he is about 5-6 months of age you can help him learn to self-soothe, allow him to cry longer periods of time in order to go to sleep.  I know that you are in a very hard position.  Both my kids cried constantly from birth to about 5 months unless they were held.  I have met many other moms who went thru the same thing.  Do you have others who can help you with your baby so you can get some rest?  Best wishes...
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127529_tn?1331844380
Please follow your doctors advice and don't let the baby cry for too long at the moment, he is very young and needs you to sooth him right now, there is plenty of time to get him used to sleeping in the crib on his own. Rock, sing, nurse, use a swing or car seat, basically do what you have to to get your baby to sleep. My baby is five months old now and we have been letting him cry a bit longer for the last couple of weeks but even at this age never longer than 10 - 15 minutes and only if it is his 'too tired to fall asleep cry' as I call it!. In time you will get to know the different cries your baby has and you will recognise the cry that means he is just over tired, even then babies still need to know you are still there with pat on the back, a shush or some comforting words.
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Avatar_n_tn
You should not let your one month old cry it out. He is way too young! At this age, they need to learn trust and comfort. You need to provide that too him with holding and cuddling. At about 5 months of age, you can start to let them cry it out. My son, who is now 4 had to be held alot as a infant. By 5 months, we did the cry it out and it worked. It took 2 nights and then he was sleeping thu the night! I also thought he would never like his crib, but they adapt! Good luck to you! Remember this time of no sleep does end!!
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Avatar_n_tn
I definitley agree with the others who commented.  Your baby is way to young to "cry it out" for more than a few minutes.  Babies need to be held, snuggled, and reassured that when they cry, their needs will be met.  They need to know that Mommy is there for them when they cry, and that their cries will not be ignored.  I never did the "cry it out" thing with my babies, either until they were much older.  Also, babies as young as yours get hungry very often, so your baby may be hungry, even if you think he/she just ate and couldn't possibly be hungry, I would try nursing/bottle feeding to make sure that the crying isn't for food.  Good luck, and remember they are only tiny babies for a very short time.
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182352_tn?1231187010
please,please,please listen to the advice of all the other posters. at 1 month a baby is way too young to cry it out. he will eventually adjust to his crib, don't worry. enjoy holding, rocking him now while he is so small for it goes by very quickly.
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Avatar_n_tn
HOLD YOUR BABY...PLEASE!!! Think about it like this. He came into existance inside your body, connected to you. He spent apprx. 10 months inside u, thats pretty much as long as he has been alive. I seriously doubt after 4 weeks of being out of your warm, cozy womb that he is ready to sleep alone in a crib. What is it that u are doing that is so important that u cant hold ur precious son? He needs u, needs to know you will be there when he calls. I have a 7 week old daughter so believe me, I know how you feel. But as someone said before, they are only babies for such a short time. You are the only one your baby wants. Cherish that. There will come a day when u will long to know where he is at night and that he is ok. Now is the only time you can rest assured that he is safe and secure because you are the one keeping him that way. This time is fleeting. One day we will sleep again. =)
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154765_tn?1237251544
I agree with the other post. My son when he was a baby I didn't let him cry I rocked him all the time. I wouldn't let him cry to young I was his secured it will get better.
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Avatar_n_tn
I've found it much easier to have baby in the bed with us. She almost never cries at night and sleeps really well - all snuggly and happy cause she knows
we're close and she's safe : )

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t071000.asp
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Avatar_n_tn
my struggle is that i wanna hold, cuddle and rock my baby to sleep. my husband doesnt agree and wants me to put him down and let him cry it out. he will put him in his crib and let him cry till he falls asleep witch can be 20 mins. plus. and now our 5 month old son cries when dad is holding him and i leave the room. im not sure if thier related but it seems strange.
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535822_tn?1413656274
I understand you concern we do not like to hear our child cry I think 20 mins is okay how about you take it in turns to put him in his crib,dont leave the room, both go in if you want and then put him in his crib and leave.Maybe your Baby has learned you are the sofetr touch and will get to be cuddled more,Dad is a tougher nut to crack, but if you give him lots of cuddles then pop him into the crib,he will get into that habit ,be consistant every night with the same routine, you will be glad you did...PS this is a 2 year old thread..
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Avatar_n_tn
try to not have your baby in bed with you as some posts have suggested. its an awful and most unforgiving situation if you were ever to roll on your baby. But yes, I agree with everyone...your baby is too young to know the difference between self-soothing and rejection of a parents comfort. in fact, babies are "on demand" criers until they at least hit 3 months. They will only receive our lack of meeting their immediate needs as rejection at that age....which can cause problems for you in the future (check out anxiety separation, which usually happens to babies who are not secure in their parents or when leaving them too early can cause fear rather than training in the future). plan to be attached to your baby for a while right now, we've all been there and despite the lack of sleep...we've made it through right along with you. hope this helps and good luck....with much patience.
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1224208_tn?1267043617
I have a 3 week old daughter that always wants to be held.. I just accepted it a couple of days ago and have been holding her close to me or setting her on her tummy against me while sitting on the couch with a pillow nudged on the other side of her. Since I have done this, she has no more "fussy" times during the day. ("fussy" meaning me trying to put her into her swing or bassinette after falling asleep in my arms and her wailing her head off!)
Trust me, I know how hard it is... I wish she could nap in her bassinette and be fine but she hates it and gets upset.
Think of this, if your baby cries and cries and then vomits or can't catch their breath, how bad will you feel? What will you be doing while listening to your baby cry? Sitting on the couch? Trying to go to sleep? Why not hold your baby? This is a temporary period or wanting to be held all the time.
And lastly, babies have no memories of when you last came into the room and soothed them, they do not comprehend that you are in the next room, or that you will be coming back for them. They get scared and that is why they cry so hard.
Be there for your baby, every baby is different, and they are not babies forever.
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1224085_tn?1267052844
Yeah A lot of people on here are right. You not sapose to let your child cry it out untill they are 6 months old. Hold you baby and rock him to sleep. To get them ajusted to night time. Turn off the lights and tv 1hr befor bed time. If you want your child to sleep in there crib. Place an shirt of your that you have worn in the crib. Sit next to the crib and make sure you touch him and sweet talk your baby if crying. Thats as far as that should go. If you are finding yourself be hostal or not wanting to confort your child please tell your doctor. I had post partum and I got help.
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Avatar_f_tn
My advice is very different than everyone else but please hear me out. Your your baby may be very young,however you need to let your baby cry for at least 15 minutes when you lay your baby down. If you keep walking in the room though your baby will feel your presents and never go to sleep. After this amount of time your baby should fall asleep. As time gos by it won't take so long for baby to go to sleep when you lay them down.PROMISE! Just make sure that your baby has had quality time with you first, clean dipper, feed, and burped before laying them down. Burping is very important because gas bubbles can really hurt your little one. Hope every thing works out for you.
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Avatar_m_tn
My wife refuses to let our baby cry for more that a minute if he is not being held.  He is almost 9 weeks old and luckily we have had family here helping.  A grandmother or mom has to hold the baby all night and basically all day or he screams.  He is clean and fed and when I suggest he needs to stay in the crib, even if just for 5 minutes, I'm the horrible dad.  Mom is exhausted by the end of the day and is chained to holding this child.  She said yesterday she wasn't able to go potty (#2) because she couldn't put our son down or he would cry.  Now its getting to the point where he will just cry and cry when we are trying to get him to sleep even when we are holding him.  My wife isn't going back to work and we had some friends who just had a kid, and she is going back to work and knew they were going to daycare so they started letting her cry at night for a little while.  Now the kid is 10 months, and she can feed and go right to sleep alone in her bed.  My wife says they are so lucky to have a good baby that will sleep.
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Avatar_f_tn
We let our 6 wk old cry for about 10-15min before checking and it works well, we can tell her  tired cries from her hungry cries, and only get her out of cot if she remains unsettled. She is still really bonded. My advice is to do what suits you best. There is no right or wrong way to raise a child, as long as they are happy and healthy it is all good!
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Avatar_m_tn
i have a question what about 12 month old after a nap should they have to stay in there playpens and cry for 30mins then get there after they cry thats long i dont think its right but i want ur opion on it.i saw this happend in a daycare  before.
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Avatar_n_tn
We have a 6-week old and I let her cry for 5 minutes then I go check on her. I pet her, sing to her and rock her (in the crib) for a few minutes until she calms down. Then I leave the room. If she is still crying I go in in 5 minutes again until she settles down. Which she usually does. And then she wakes up happy!
Once in a while she does not settle down even after 20 to 30 minutes of checking on her/soothing her and then I pick her up to see if anything else if wrong. The problem is that once I pick her up she does NOT want to go down again so I feed her and start the 'cycle' again.
It is important for the baby to have some 'playtime' after she feeds so she gets tired. If they are not tired it is a bad idea to put them down.
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Avatar_f_tn
Same issue I'm having with my 6 week old her daddy thinks she spoiled already because she cries a lot and stops when she is held, how can I gert him to understand she to young to be spoiled , or am I wrong and is she already spoiled cuz we pick her up when she cries?  
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When my daughter was born the nurses and my midwife told me that it's not possible to spoil an infant. When she was super tiny we put her in a bassinet right next to the bed. As soon as she woke up I could just grab her and breastfeed her. Once she got a little bigger she was allowed to sleep in our bed. She didn't learn how to sleep in her own bed until she was 4. We bought her a weighted blanket and now she almost always sleeps in her own bed. She's bigger now and kicks in her sleep. I promise you, your child will grow out of this, don't push them too hard though!
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Avatar_m_tn
Babies are used to constant rhythmic sound when in the womb. We use a sound machine with an ocean wave setting.  It not only provides a soothing sound, it drowns out all the household noise that might wake the baby.  We are a family on the go so many times we are out during nap times.  We found a very portable sound machine online www.sleepybees.com.  Sleepy Bee is our constant companion when we are out of the house.  Works great!
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Avatar_n_tn
Yea you must all be a bunch of over doers because now the doctor's are recommending if you get over whelmed let the cry for 15 minutes before you check on your child, everyone is forgetting one important factor, if your upset, frustrated, or feel overwhelmed you are not thinking straight there for you become less effective as a parent, 15 minutes gives you enough time to collect yourself and cool down, your advice is what doctor's avoid these days because some people get too overwhelmed and shake there baby, and your lil 6 to 7 minute time is a theory at best and only standards by western culture, no one has the right answers but please if you get upset walk away for 15 mins, and your crying is the only way to communicate is bs too because baby's smack their lips and tongues when they are hungry crying is the secondary, they fidget first with a dirty diaper, learn something people, stop the hearsay
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with you methods but it has nothing to do with "culture" it just depends on the parents and how much crying they can take!!
If they baby is feed/changed and burpted then let the baby cry a bit! it wont kill them...you aint always got to hold the baby you have to make sure the baby knows Mom/Dad wont be holding her/him 24/7!!
I have 3 kids and i raise them alone 6/18mths and 1mth old...
Good luck ppl :)
and like they all say "it does get better in time"
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Avatar_m_tn
I was just reading though this list. It seems like most people advise to not let the baby cry for more than a few minutes.  Our problem is that we can't get the baby to stop crying. Even *after* we pick the baby up, rock him, take him for a walk in the stroller, or play with him, he just keeps crying. He only sleep for 6-8 hours a day, and screams for the rest of the time.   He is 6 weeks old. Does anybody know what to do when the baby will not stop crying, even after the parents attend to the baby?
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535822_tn?1413656274
It sounds like he may be having some tummy issues, is he breast or bottle fed , is he getting enough food,drinking well, does he poop okay, ? I would say that at this age there is a reason for continuous crying,next time you are at the Doctor speak to him about it it could be some cholic ..
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377493_tn?1356505749
It sounds like you have a baby with colic.  Margy is right, see your Dr.  I do however have an additional suggestion.  Get your hands on a book called
"The Happiest Baby on the Block".  It was undoubtedly the best baby book I read with excellent practical advice on soothing in the early months.  We used almost all of the techniques and they really worked.  We also used a homeopathic remedy for colic that worked.  I'm sorry, the brand name is eluding me right now, but check out your local health food stores.  Our local pharmacy sold it as well, so perhaps ask your pharmacist.

The good news is they do outgrow colic.  It's tough I know, but I have to tell you, the techniques in the above mentioned book really worked.  I found most of the baby books less then helpful, but this one really made a difference.  Good luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for the responses.  We've been trying the things mentioned in your posts, but haven't looked through the book "The Happiest Baby on the Block".  I'll buy it from Amazon now.
The doctors have said that our baby does not have colic.  He does have symptoms of stomach problems, including bending his head back while stretching his legs out and crying.  They did give us medicine to put in his milk, which doesn't seem to help. I think we just have a cranky baby. It is also starting to take a toll on the relationship between me and my wife.
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535822_tn?1413656274
I sympathise a crying baby can take its toll on your nerves but that's what babies do a lot of , if the doctor thinks there are some stomach issues maybe take him back.One other point is baby breast fed or bottle fed, is he getting enough food, they will yell a lot if they are hungry ,how much and how often is he eating . Take it in turns to look after him so each of you gets a break ..
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377493_tn?1356505749
I am glad you are buying Happiest Baby on the Block.  The pediatrician that wrote it did so because of babies he was seeing in the ER that had been shaken.  I am not in any way implying you would do that, but still, the very practical soothing techniques worked so well for my son.

Margy is so right...it can be hard...lack of sleep and a bit of frustration.  My husband and I fought more when our little guy was tiny.  It's hard.  Just remember it doesn't last forever.  Is there someone that can come and give the two of you a little break?  Just out for lunch or dinner or something...even a walk as just a couple?  And she is right about taking turns.  We "shift slept" for a while.  Getting a few hours straight sleep in turns can really make a big difference.  Sleep deprivation is just awful.  It really helped us a lot.  If your nursing, get a pump so you can pump and your husband can feed during his turn.  

Hang in there, it will improve.  I promise.
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535822_tn?1413656274
Pumping really works I knew a mom once who had a high powered job ..she had to work some weird hours, she had a fridge put into her office and would pump off during the time she was there, she then froze it.She went to work next day leaving her nanny and Dad with breast milk for that day having transported it home on ice for the following  day ..you know she did this for 2 years for her child ..now I have to call that being a real trooper ..I only managed 6 months with 2 kids and 6 weeks with my other and that was a struggle ..
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Avatar_f_tn
Tell me about it!! My daughter is 5 weeks old and very gassy, try gripe water, and if that doesnt work, try oval drops, it'll give u peace temp. My man thinks i hold her too much, and thinks she needs to cry for a half hr so she'll learn to self soothe, she hasnt found her thumb and wont take a soother. She is very little, but the crying.... o man the crying *****! It literally hurts my stomach, i managed to clean the house in the half hr between checking in her and calming her down in intervals. I cant stand the people that say let them cry it out, they didnt do it to their own kids the majority of the time, i have a 5 yr old daughter, and i never put her down, she is a very kindhearted and knows i m always there 4 her.i dont agree with making kids cry it out at all
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I have been on this website looking for possible answers as our now almost 6 month old is still crying, fussing, and screaming her head off. It started day 1 in the hospital. For 3 weeks it was because she was not getting enough food, and I didn't realize I was not "letting down" enough milk when I was breastfeeding. Thus, I started pumping every 2 hours to increase my milk production. It takes time...about 7-10 days to start to notice a difference and then it took me a few months to stabilize the production. She continued to scream all day and all night for 4 months. She ended up having blood and mucous in her stool, which was very concerning. Come to find out she has food allergies. I now have to keep myself on a strict diet of no dairy, egg, wheat, soy, casein, and whey. It was a process of elimination, but took 2 months for the blood to resolve itself. It can take anywhere from 2-6 weeks for the allergenic food to clear their system. If a baby has food allergies blood doesn't always have to be present.  I also have to say that a food allergy/insensitivity in your baby could be the problem. If your baby is drinking formula try switching to a hypoallergenic kind if you think it could be causing the problem. Most regular formula is derived from cow's milk, which can be the cause of an allergy. It is also not recommended to switch to a soy formula as about 30% of babies will have a problem with soy as well. Symptoms include chronic fussiness, irritability, gassiness, not sleeping well....etc. My baby had constant stomach pain and would raise her legs and arch her back all the time. Most babies end up outgrowing the allergy/sensitivity when they are 6-9 months old, but some it takes longer. Check with your pediatrician or try seeing a nutritionist that knows about babies. I just wanted to give some of the advice that we have learned over the past few months because it is physically and mentally exhausting to listen to your baby cry and scream ALL the time. I hope this helps and if not I hope you find some answers soon!
Now that our baby is almost 6 months old we are still running into major problems with her napping during the day. Sometimes I can only get her to sleep about 1 hour, broken into about 15 minutes at a time, through the whole day. She is always so exhausted and upset because she is so tired. I don't know if this is because she has grown accustomed to being irritable and awake all day, and we just need to "retrain" her body or what. I am at a loss of what to do. So, if your baby does have a food allergy hopefully he will take to sleeping better once it is out of his system.
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1913393_tn?1322237626
you are so right . my two month old cries when after a while he is bored in his bouncy chair or done watching that silly mobile .  he is sooo completely comforted when he is against my heart.  i love how you put it out their that nothing is as important as holding your CHILD safely in your arms.   a woman once said to me " it could be worse he could be in IRAQ".    i emidiately didnt care about anything but the happiness of my son.   dont let your child cry  HOlD HIM OR HER  and COMFORT THEM.  they WILL someday walk out the door and GOD forbid .
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Avatar_f_tn
Picking up a child will not spoil a child. I'd like to see how secure and independednt some of your children are going to be when they are young adults or even school age. You do not need to teach independence. Independence comes naturally as our children grow up. It grows out of feeling safe and loved. Human babies are born totally defenseless. They cannot walk/crawl (basically move), communicate other than crying, and in fact their nervous and immune systems are not even fully formed. This all takes much more time than a couple of months. Why in this country are we so dead set on forcing/teaching independence so early to someone with so limited functioning. In countries where babies are held and their needs are responded to people are more peaceful. There is a direct link between forcing independence and aggressive societies. We really need to get back in touch with our humanity in this country.
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1962013_tn?1325335470
Awesome comment! It brought tears to my eyes. Well gotta go hold my little one now, thanks!
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Avatar_f_tn
my daughter is nearlly 3 months old and is a total nightmare when it comes to sleeping in her moses basket or cot in fact she dosent go to sleep unless i put her in her coat and go out.She sleeps through the night waking up once, only because she sleeps in my bed.I know there is nothing wrong with her as when i pick her up and walk around with her but as soon as i put her down she creates. how long do i leave her to cry for i did it last night and left her for around 25 mins. she went off eventualy but for only ten mins
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Avatar_m_tn
Very few people here cite expert opinion as to how long it is safe to let a baby cry. Just because you're a mom, or a dad, it does not mean your advice makes sense, even you are a parent of 15 children. What substances are released into the baby's brain when he cries for 5 minutes? What are the effects of these substances on the baby? Will these substances make the baby violent as an adult? Nobody asks these questions.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Actually there IS science behind it.  If you are interested, take a look at an article in the Dec. 2011 edition (dated december, 2011) of Psychology Today written by Dr. Darcia Narvaez.  It is entitled "Dangers of 'crying it out'".  It's a good read and should encourage more attachment type parenting.  I did use the Furber method to help my kids sleep through the night though but as tiny infants, crying it out for too long can be detrimental.  

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377493_tn?1356505749
I think that is because this forum is not monitored by Dr.'s or scientists.  It is just us moms (and dads).  However, as my Pediatrician always says, mommy instinct is very very powerful, and something she pays very close attention to.  She says she has diagnosed many a problem based on moms gut feeling, or mom just saying the child is not acting his or herself.  So I think there is validity to listening to instinct and not always just science.

That being said, to allow a very young baby to cry for a long period of time is detrmental.  Science has proven they cannot go without eating for more then a few hours at that age, and they need to eat even more frequently if they are on a growth spurt.  Just look some of it up.  I did actually try the cry it out method with my now 2 year old son.  It didn't work for us, but we have found a good solution.  No science behind my solution besides the fact that I have a healthy, happy, well adjusted and social child.  Works for me!
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535822_tn?1413656274
There is an expert forum , go back to the forum page and look to your right.theres a great Doctor on that forum .
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Avatar_m_tn
I don't think it's bad to let a baby cry, if you're sure he/she is not in pain or hungry. I have four children, now all over 20, and my wife and I only ran right away to the older one when she was crying. And guess what? She is the "spoiled" one. The other ones are all really more independent and have their own lives, starting from college. The old one chose a college near home and wanted to spend her time at home. I can't say if this happenes because of the method we used when they were babies, but that's a fact for us. Never listen to the people who say "don't do that" or "that's not human" and so on... do it the way you feel it's right... We did it and now we're happy parents and grandparents!
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535822_tn?1413656274
Good post edd.... it is up to parents how they bring their children up.I am not certain I would let a child cry for too long if he/she was really screaming as they could be in pain,or sick but I agree if its normal crying that's not too excessive it doesnt hurt.also depends on age..
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Avatar_f_tn
You said your one month old needs to know that night time is for sleeping? I'm not trying to be rude, but that's a joke! I've never heard of a one month old sleeping through the night... My daughter got up every two to three hours.... If I got a four hour stretch of sleep it was a miracle!  Babies that young need to nurse/feed often.... And need contact with their mothers body for about a million reasons. The thought of a one month old crying for an hour makes my stomach cringe. Please please please just hold your baby and enjoy this time. Sometimes it ***** having no sleep. But the next time you are up late with your little one, just remember there are millions of other women doing the exact same thing as you are... It really does fly by. Hold your baby!
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535822_tn?1413656274
Baby' is 5 years old now so hopefully sleeping okay LOL
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757137_tn?1347200053
How long should you let an infant cry? You never let a an infant cry. Ever.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree that baby is not quite old enough to cry it out for more than a couple minutes but there are times where you have to bend the rules a little! I am by myself all day with baby and if I'm in the shower and he starts to cry a little I'm not going to get out with shampoo in my hair to comfort him. As long as you comfort him when he cries MOST of the time you aren't causing any damage or crazy trust issues. Seriously.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree that baby is not quite old enough to cry it out for more than a couple minutes but there are times where you have to bend the rules a little! I am by myself all day with baby and if I'm in the shower and he starts to cry a little I'm not going to get out with shampoo in my hair to comfort him. As long as you comfort him when he cries MOST of the time you aren't causing any damage or crazy trust issues. Seriously.
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