How should I tell my son I am not his father??

[manko]

When I was 21 I was told by a girlfriend that she was pregnant and I was the father. We ended up getting married when she was three months pregnant my son was born six months later. Two years later another son was born. We were married for 17 years before I caught her at a local motel with another man. Apparently it was one of many affairs she had while we were married. I divorced her. The divorce was messy and she managed to turn both of my boys against me. My oldest son has made some attempt to come back into my life the past couple of years, but still faces a huge amount of resistance from my ex-wife. My youngest son still has nothing to do with me. My oldest son is now 21 and I recently found out that I am not his biological father (I always suspected this and when he lived with me this past summer I saved some tissues from him and sent in a DNA test.) The results were as I always suspected. I am struggling with how to tell him this information. Since our relationship is strained due to his mother I feel that if I do tell him I will loose him forever. However, since I was adopted and my mother choose not to tell me about my biological father, I feel that I need to tell my son. It's been hard for me to live with the fact that I've been lied to for 21 years about my son, I can only imagine how he will feel when he gets the news. Offer any suggestions...

[Julie359]

You should do what is in your heart.  You feel this is to tell your son so this is what you need to do.  

Have sent you a pm, hopefully you recieve this..... all the best

[mammo]

You've been thru a lot!  This is a difficult question to answer, but I do believe that a child deserves to know.  But the timing may be bad.  I think I would continue to work at gaining a better realationship with him, if only a few more months while reassuring him of how much you do love him. I'm sure he loves you as his father, as you love him as a son and this bond I'm sure is strong in spite of your ex-wife's efforts. The older they get the more they will see all the good, and happiness you brought into their lives and will want a relationship with you. Just let them know you love them and no matter what, this will never change and your heart and door is always open.  This is all you can do, especially with the youngest one, and as adults they have to decide what they want. Then take a day to be alone with your oldest son, and tell him the truth.  But make it clear as to why you want him to know, he cannot get the impression that you are doing this to get back at his mom.  I know you're not, but he will tell his mother and she will surely make this the reason.  Tell him you don't want him to hear about it from anyone else, just you. That it doesn't change anything between the two of you.  You raised him as your son and still love him as your own, and you hope it doesn't change for him either.  But as a man, you felt he was ready to hear the truth, and if you have the DNA results to show him, do this, just to reassure him that it's the truth so that his mother can't lie to him again.   He may gain a whole new respect for you in knowing that although he isn't yours, you raised and loved him like your own and continue to fight for the relationship.  There are also medical reasons as to why he needs to know.  If he gets upsets and you don't hear from him for awhile, I don't feel that would last, you're the only father he's known and loved, he doesn't want to lose that either.  It's sad that these boys minds have been poisoned by their mother, and you have suffered as a result also.  Your oldest is enough of a man to know the truth and it may help him put all this into perspective.  I would not want him to not respect his mother but at the same time she has not been respectful of them, their happiness, or what THEY have wanted.  It's been all about her, and having it her way, no thoughts of what it is doing to them....very slefish.  She should not have poisoned their young minds against the only father they have known.  Good luck and take care.

[RockRose]

I can't imagine how this would be helpful to him.  

It would only hurt your ex-wife,  but it wouldn't help your son,  and it wouldn't help you.

Why do you need to?  It isn't true that "the truth must be told".  

If I were him,  I would feel very hurt and betrayed that you went to the lengths to find out,  by paying who knows what to extract usable DNA from a tissue to learn he is not your son.  I'd wish the man who raised me didn't care enough about biology,  and rather felt more bonded by history and didn't want to learn the possible bad news.

If he does somehow find out that you aren't his biological dad (because his mother tells him) he would have no way of imagining that you know.  You can always feign ignorance.

I think it would be a gift,  from you to him,  to keep quiet about this.