How strong is strong willed?

I have 3 kids, ages 5, 10 and 23.  All same Daddy! =) Our oldest is a boy.  But my questions concerns the behavior of my 10 year old daughter.  I admit, I spoiled her up to age 5, when her little sister was born.  She is beautiful, popular, smart, straight As, plays piano, violin, in theatre productions, artistic, photographic memory, mathmatic I could go on, but her ANGER has been out of control for years.  She is polite, smart, sensitive and empathetic around peers, teachers, strangers, extended family.  At home she is a tyrant.  She is angry 97% of the time and takes it out on her Father, Mother and little sister.  Since age 3 she became extremely possesive of Mommy, she didnt want my son around me, or my husband to hug me. Although she loves her 5 year old sister, she is so angry that she is alive.  She cant be trusted with her, I have documented many volitile, physical harms on camera.  She wakes up as Linda Blair almost, not focused, angry, defiant, NEVER following through with a task, and I am right on her.  I wont do it for her (whatever it is) although she demands that I do. Will throw herself on the floor if asked to brush her teeth, scream out I hate yous, whatevers, I dont care, slams the door, throws things. We have had her in therapy, (then moved), bought $300 dollar Lehman CDs, Love and Logic, etc, etc.  She hits, kicks, scratches without thought.  She views us as her peers, although it is very clear that we are not. Deep inside, and in conversations, she doesnt want to be this way, yet cannot tell me why she chooses it.  She is missing a tool.  I would say its the tool of Control, but she uses it outside our home consistently.   Dad and I are what....sad tonite?  We just dont know what else to do, and can imagine her teenage years.  Yet she has goals and aspirations, and knows and states all the time what a great teenager without home problems she aspires to be.  She cannot "see" beyond her "ID".  She is all "animal" at home, ALL the time.  I cannot put her on drugs.  I dont know what to do.  She is wasting such precious time of her childhood on being in trouble all the time.  Any ideas for this Mom that so loves her daughter?

[stacy197832]

Im sorry to say it like this but THANK GOD! I thought I was the only human being on t his earth who was going through this. I've have done the same things as you, bought videos, went to therapy, even tried medications and so on and on but nothing has helped . When you describe your daughter it sounds exactly like my daughter, she is 13. She is wonderful to everyone except for me, her step dad, and her 2 sisters. It's like she hates us and tellsus constantly how stupid we are and she hates haven been born in t his family. It just goes on and on and on. If you find some answers let me know, we are in the same boat! Good Luck :)

[jdtm]

There's an excellent book titled "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene.  If you google the title of this book, it should give you some information whether this might be a good purchase (or borrow from the public library system) for you.  Hope this helps ....