How to bridge the gap between my 12 year-old son and his stepfather

I am newly married for two years. I have a 12 year-old son who is civil to his stepfather but basically treats him like my sidekick. He will check in with me but not him, directs his communication toward me even if we are standing together, asks me questions clearly his stepdad would know better and will not eat until I get home each night, as if he is nervously awaiting my arrival. It's all seemingly innocuous on the surface but we both feel something is not right. It's wearing hard on my husband, who believes he should be treated equally to me. My husband is kind, giving, patient and goes out of his way for my son. My son acknowledges this. There are some cultural differences between my husband and my son's father including vast differences in communication, politics and skin color. My son is very close with this dad (who actually likes my husband) and I wonder if this difference between his dads has caused a confusion over alliances that even he does not know is happening? Further, my son is ADHD and does have some social skills including a quick temper that I think make it hard for him to confront his feelings must less express them - that on top of the fact that he's 12 and full of awkwardness. We have tried counseling. In private my son tells me he has nothing against his stepdad, that he loves him and gets very upset if I bring it up. He seems either oblivious to these slights or he cannot confront them. I have had fights with my husband defending my son or recommending ways my husband should communicate with him. Though my husband and I take our arguments in private, he knows that if they have an altercation and we disappear into our room and raise our voices, we are arguing about him. This has only hardened my son to him even more. I need to know what my husband should expect from my son, in fairness and how the two of them can build trust.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The most important thing right now is for your husband to refrain from letting his feelings be hurt. It is perfectly understandable that your son, particularly at his age,  would require quite a bit of time to accept the role of is stepfather in his life. You and your husband have to remember that you are the adults - you should not be arguing about this issue. Your son is not doing anything inappropriate. The fact that you decided to remarry does not mean that your son is ready to acclimate himself to your husband's jurisdiction in his life. The best thing you, and especially your husband, can do is be accepting and empathic toward your son and not be putting any pressure on him.

[mstuart66]

This is very, very helpful. It's actually what I first told my husband! We need to get back there... I will share it with my husband and we will back off. Thank you. Meghan