How to cope?

I have been involve in my relationship for six months. This is the man that I know I want in my life the rest of my life. I have two beautiful babies in Indiana ages 7 and 5 and I live in Nevada. He has four kids of his own, from the ages of 14 down to 7. I get along great with the three oldest. His seven year old is a stinker. He's always cussing, yelling, he ignores everything that I say to him. I feel like I'm talking to the wall at times. I do everything I can to be calm and pleasant, at times I go over board to please this boy. His dad doesn't disipline any of the kids. I know if I talked to an adult the way he does all the time I would of been knocked through next week. He does correct him when he cusses, but I believe that not only talking to them about what they did wrong, a parent should also send the child to their room, or stand them in the corner, or something. My seven year old would never disrespect me the way he does. I don't know how to handle the situation without it becoming an issue in my relationship. It's exhausting trying to please this child. I do know that the boys mother raised him the first four years, due to his dad being deployed. She had an anger issue herself, she's very unstable, and I just wonder if this is the reason he's always in a hateful mood and uptight all the time. When she has him for a few days and he returns back to us, his attitude is always worse and his stuttering is bad for the first day or two.  It's just an endless cycle.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, sorry, but based on how stressful this is for you, I wouldn't stay in the relationship.  It all sounds like life has been so unstable for this child that he is going to act out forever, and you'll hate it, and be conflicted about it, and not want him in essence to get between you and his father, when he has every right (sorry to say) to be in between you and his father (if you look at it that way) since he is his father's child and you are just the girlfriend or stepmother.  Sometimes knowing "this is the man I want to live the rest of my life with" is not enough.  You have to accept that his whole persona and the entire package of his life (at least for the next 11 to 14 years) includes four children just as much and just as legitimately as any other part of him.  Any or all of them could have issues in the next decade, and you would have to be ready to embrace them, simply because they are part of your boyfriend or husband.  

If breaking it off is not an option, then get to a counselor and find out what you can do to deal with the child and the man.  The situation as it is now (kid acting out, dad not disciplining, mom with issues) is not tenable for you unless you and the dad are at least on the same page.

[allmymarbles]

Stop trying to please the boy. You are giving him the attention he wants. Ignore him when he is rude. Pretend you didn't hear. Walk out of the room. And don't try to pretend you like him when you don't. Yes, what I am advocating is rejection. It may work, or it may not. But at least it will derail his abuse of you.

[RockRose]

summer,  I think you should abandon this relationship.  It's not fair to you,  and it's not fair to this child who desperately needs his dad's attention.

If I were you I'd move to Indiana and help raise your two children.    Babies need their mommies.

[perch101]

I agree with rockrose, is there a reason you can't move closer to your children in Indiana so they can be around their mom?
I'm not judging - just genuinely curious.
They'll only be young once :-)

[specialmom]

I have to say that I agree with those who say you should move on.  

The rule of thumb in family counseling when there is conflict between a new girlfriend (who later becomes a step mom) is that the bio parent is in charge.  You are suppose to be in a support role to the boy's father.  You can have discussions with the father about what you think but he must be in agreement and do the implimentation.  Otherwise, there will never be a settled or happy feeling to the family.  Time tested strategy on meshing a diverse family.  

You've only been with this man for 6 months.  Going into a relationship so incredibly critical of his child does not bode well for the future.  And I must say that dissing the ex should be avoided.  What you want to do is promote an amicable relationship between all parties.  This has the best outcome.  

Also not judging but it would make me very sad to live several states away from my 7 and 5 year old.

Good luck

[allmymarbles]

Yes, move on. If the son is crummy, I would assume the father is too. The kid is learning it somewhere. Is it blasphemous not to like all children? If that is true, then I am damned.

[Brooke050870]

Hi.  I wanted to comment on your post because your issue is one that is near and dear to my heart.  I know from experience how hard and how damaging it can be to live in an unhappy "blended" family...I was a step-child and home life was never all that comfortable.  I agree with AnnieBrooke...if you choose to stay in this relationship, some professional counseling wouldn't hurt.  Will your own two children eventually come live with you in Nevada?  Like everyone else who has commented on your post, I am not judging you, but it would break my heart if my child/children lived in another state and I wasn't able to have regular contact.