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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
How to handle toddler's phobia of other children?
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
How to handle toddler's phobia of other children?
by jlo, Oct 19, 2002 12:00AM
My son is 2.5 years old. When he was 9 months old, he developed a phobia of other children--from newborns up to toddler-aged. In all other respects, he is a normally-developing child. He has never been afraid of adults at all, in fact, would seek them out from an early age and engage them in play. With kids about age 4 and older--if they can speak like big people and play with him, he's OK. But with babies/toddlers, he tenses up, and if a child should make an unexpected noise, he becomes very scared: crying hysterically, trembling. Even small children making "happy noises" terrify him. He also can't tolerate them invading his personal space--e.g., cries if another kid comes near him while playing. We did start playgroup when he was 6 months old. It was fine at first, but maybe he was frightened by some unknown incident? Now we've reduced his major peer activities to music class, where there is no one-on-one playing. We have received so many conflicting pieces of advice from people. Some say he's manipulating us, but my instinct tells me "no." Even after a bad experience (e.g., he cried for an hour at a friend's house yesterday because of her 2-year-old's noises), he speaks positively about it, and is not upset about going anywhere even when he knows there may be kids there. How to handle all this? We try to comfort but not over-comfort. Expose him more? But if it ends badly every time, does it just reinforce his fears? (Two more notes: he's getting a sibling in 4 months and he did recently play near a quiet toddler for 5 minutes but melted down when she started to cry.)
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
, Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
Definitely keep him in the mix by exposing him to sensible peer activities. Playing alongside other children his age is all that would be expected at his age - in other words, the amount of actual interaction that occurs is not very important. The apparent threat that he experiences with younger children will abate over time. Also, be casual and at the minimalist end re: reassurance. You want to avoid the kind of scenario when his upset becomes the vehicle for comforting interactions between him and you. When possible, but don't go out of your way to do this, limit his exposure to younger children to one or two children at a time so that he's not overwhelmed.
Member Comments (6)
by jlo, Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
Thank you so much for your comment. In public places like restaurants or music class, or at gatherings with relatives where there are other small children, do you recommend removing him from the situation when he becomes hysterical or does this kind of "reward" the behavior? We can't think of anything else to do, since he starts crying as soon as he hears any young child say anything (in other words, almost immediately every time) and just doesn't seem to be able to regain control. We hate to be so disruptive to everyone else, and it doesn't seem like it helps him much to stay.
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
, Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
Chiefly due to the disruption the behavior causes for others, I would remove him. But when it's possible, such as at home with only a few people, it might be better to let him cope with the situation by sticking with it. When he has to be removed, you can let him know that he can return when he's calm and not crying. So, it's not the crying per se that's focused on, but the disruption that the crying promotes.
by jlo, Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
Oh, good! That's actually a tactic we've started lately. Thanks once again.
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
, Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
Chiefly due to the disruption the behavior causes for others, I would remove him. But when it's possible, such as at home with only a few people, it might be better to let him cope with the situation by sticking with it. When he has to be removed, you can let him know that he can return when he's calm and not crying. So, it's not the crying per se that's focused on, but the disruption that the crying promotes.
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
, Oct 21, 2002 12:00AM
Chiefly due to the disruption the behavior causes for others, I would remove him. But when it's possible, such as at home with only a few people, it might be better to let him cope with the situation by sticking with it. When he has to be removed, you can let him know that he can return when he's calm and not crying. So, it's not the crying per se that's focused on, but the disruption that the crying promotes.
