How to teach a child to choose healthy friendships?

[Sunnytuna]

My nine year old son is very drawn to another nine year boy in the neighborhood as a best friend and playmate. The problem is that the other boy's mother is addicted to alcohol, cigarettes and men that seem rough. I don't like my son to go to their home, but he becomes very upset when he can't play with the boy. So the boy is at our house all the time. He just wears me out talking and talking. I send the boy home, but he stands outside his house playing in the front lawn. Pretty soon my son is outside playing in the front lawn, then it starts all over again. If my son has another friend over, the boy across the street soon becomes part of the pack, and dominates the play. I'm ready to move just to get some distance from the boy across the street. What other alternatives would work in this situation?

[Sandman2]

They both need to be involved in something they can do together that is supervised and doesn't involve you.  Soccer, basketball, judo, etc

[margypops]

Seems like the boy likes your sons company would it be possible for your husband to do some sports and games with them, the boy could use some quality time , children do love to talk, it is a good thing that you are responding to another childs need, your son likes him, this is but a moment in the childs life , I think you are right to keep him from their house. What about board Games, keep them off the street

[specialmom]

What a difficult situation.  I am sure you feel a great deal of empathy for this poor neighbor child.  His home life sounds dreadful, he sounds lonely, and sad.  Your house probably represents all that he would love to have in life.  That you do let him play at your house sometimes is probably the best interaction he gets, sad to say.  I don't just say this because of his mother's bad habits, but because of his reluctance to go home.  It does make me sad for him.

That being said, it is a tough spot for you.  You have an obligation to do what is right for your own child.  You deserve some privacy for your son to have other playmates.  Is there anyway that you can have some house rules explained to this boy lovingly?  I know part of the problem is that your son likes him.  So he doesn't mind when is over.  But I'd try some rules that aren't such that would hurt this boys feelings.  You could also have playdates with others somewhere else.  (parks, gyms, etc.)  

I agree with Sandman, if  you could get them involved in something like pick up baseball, kickball, soccer----- that would help.  

Your feelings are warrented in this situation-----  but I still can't help but feel bad for this lost child across the street.  

My son befriended a boy last year in preschool that was the kid in class who always gets in trouble.  My son has a developmental delay and needs NO help getting himself in trouble.  We had come a long long way with our son and had seen such tremendous improvement.  When  this boy and he became friends, trouble brewed.  My son loved him but they always fought and rubbed each other the wrong way.  So I had to problem solve so that he felt like he could keep his friend but keep problems to a minimum.  He was 4 turning 5 at the time but he got that he needed to change some things with his interaction with this boy.  We gave him things to say if trouble brewed and actions to take that would keep him out of trouble.  It pretty much worked for the rest of the year.  I only tell you this story because I think if  you say ---  no contact to your son, you set up the scenario of "romeo and juliet".  If he makes some of the choices, like on Saturday and Wednesday, this boy can come to our house for this amount of time.  

And you are very right to keep your son from going to his house.  Good luck as this is a really hard place to be.  I can see why just moving would sound nice at this point!

[specialmom]

one other thing, sometimes in life we are presented with something that is outside of ourselves.  Showing this neighbor boy some special attention may change the direction of his life in that he may desire to have people like you in his life vs people that make bad choices.  It is a gift to be able to help a child.  Good luck!!!