How to tell child parent's are to be separated.

  What is the best way to tell my 4 year old child that my husband
  and I are going to separate? My husband has already talked to her
  (without my knowledge) . She told me he said "mommy wants me to move away".
  I think that was VERY low of him but now I don't know what to say to my
  daughter. My husband is also playing good guy bad guy with her now.
  For example when I say she has to eat dinner before she can have
  a cupcake, he will tell her she can. I have no idea
  how to handle this. I don't want my daughter in the middle of
  this. What can I say to her about the matter? I am very worried.

[HVM Ph.D. - KDK]

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Dear Wendy,
You have a challenge ahead of you. The challenge will not so much revolve around how to tell your daughter about the separation (that will be simple and straightforward), but rather how to act in your daughter's best interests and not engage in ***-for-tat criticism or blame with your husband. Following is a type of suitable statement to make to your daughter about the separation: "Mommy and Daddy are not getting along very well. We have decided to live apart." If there have been obvious examples of the strains between you and your husband, examples such as angry disputes of which your daughter is aware, it's OK to point to these as illustrations of how you and your husband have not been 'getting along.' It would be best if you and your husband could tell your daughter together about the separation, avoiding any 'finger pointing' or blame. If you know some details about the separation (e.g., when it will occur, where the parent who is leaving the home will be living, plans for contact with your daughter), talk briefly about these as well. Also, try to reassure your daughter that the separation is  occurring because of  your and your husband's problems and that she is in no way at fault.  As the tone of your note implies, you understand that one parent's criticism or blame of the other parent places the child in an untenable position and greatly increases the stress around parental separation. Your daughter will benefit, of course, if both you and your husband are able to voice your love of your daughter and voice your support and approval of each other in front of your daughter. The prospects of this don't sound very good, given the information you conveyed. Be that as it may, all you can do right now is be the best parent you can be to your daughter and take the high road. Please don't succumb to any inclination to disagree with, or criticize you husband to your daughter.
Relative to the issue of limit-setting and what appears to be an effort by your husband to undermine your authority or standing with your daughter (and perhaps promote his own standing with her), it is best to let such incidents slide, in favor of keeping conflict at a minimum, particularly with the impending separation. Privately, you can request of your husband that he adhere to sensible rules around mealtime expectations, hoping that he will respond favorably. If not, don't attempt to override him in front of your daughter. It would only make matters worse. I guess the best strategy is to take the high road and keep your daughter's needs foremost in your mind.
If the separation is a prelude to divorce, you might find it helpful to utilize widely available children's literature re: the topic of divorce. Some examples include Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide For Changing Families (by Laurence Krasny Brown and Marc Brown), Mom and Dad Don't Live Together Anymore (by K. Stinson), Let's Talk About It: Divorce (by Fred Rogers) and Talking About Divorce (by Earl Grollman). There are many other such books - check at your library or the larger bookstores. Please refer also to the response to the Jan. 15 posting titled 'Child's anger when time to return to custodial father.'
This information is provided for general medical education purposes only. Please consult your physician for diagnostic and treatment options pertaining to your specific medical condition.
*Keyword: separation