I am about to lose it...

I have just recently got married and signed up for becoming a step mother of a 5 year old little boy. I do however have a 6 year old little girl that I have full custody of. My step son is honestly trying me and I am almost at my breaking point. I am running out of options. To start...he acts out, whines over everything, throw fits, bites, spits, lies, and makes himself throw up. When he and his father moved into my house the child didn't eat and seriously could go for days without eating. We have overcame that. He yes is a very picky eater but we do make him try things that is all. Thank heavens that is pretty much the least of my worries at this point. We have tried spanking him, putting him in time out, taking toys away, making a chart of chores  including have nice manners and keeping a smile- which we said as long as he has a smile he can't be throwing a fit.  Nothing is working. I am running out of options. When he goes to see his mother and her new baby every other weekend he comes back and it is hell. He has started saying he throws fits and whines because he wants to be a baby. So today God forgive me this might have been horrible but I was at my wits end and I told him that if he wanted to be a baby that I would treat him as if he were one. So I went to the store and bought diapers and baby food. I carried him everywhere and honestly treated him like one. But still that didn't work. So what now any more suggestions??? I love my husband so much but it is killing our relationship and I don't know what to do. He thinks if he whines in front of his dad then he will get his way. Please help me....

[rebbecca]

He is probably hurting inside because he probably feels that his mom doesnt love him as much as the new baby. And treating him like a baby will next work.
Do you have a problem with being a stepmom?? I ask because I am a stepmom and I had a very very hard time for the first 2 years. IT was mainly my husband treating his daughter like she was better and more loved then the other 2 kids at the time. After being married for almost 4 years she can still be a pain in my butt, but it has gotten easier.
Have you tried not paying attention to him when he is acting out, like just walking out of the room and when he is done with his out burst then ask him what was wrong.
I wish I could help you more but I am having somewhat of the same problem.
Good Luck!!!!!!

[Agiesmom]

Oh, my.  That poor kid is going through hell and needs help and support.

His parents divorced, his father recently got married, he recently moved into someone else's home, he's being juggled between two homes, and his mother recently had a baby.  Those are some HUGE issues for ANYONE to handle individually, never mind a 5 year old dealing with them all at once.

Kids go through wanting to be the baby when a new baby comes along.  And in a mommy, daddy, child family, they prepare the child and spend one on one time with him and reassure him and include him in the love and care of a family.  He doesn't have that.  He sees his mom loving and doting over a newborn who lives with her all the time and then he has to go back to new house that really isn't his (or his father's) and have a relationship with a new step-sister and a step-mother who obviously doesn't love him or even like him for that matter.

Can you not empathize with him?  Can you not put yourself in his shoes for five minutes so you might have some compassion?  If an adult can't look at the situation objectively, there is no hope for it because a child cannot do that and should not be expected to do that.

I think he needs counseling.  You all do.  Maybe first him alone, then with his father, then include you.  He's a scared, lost little boy.  I feel very sorry for him.

[step_mother]

Well thanks for the advice. I have tried to walk away well I told him that I was not going to listen while he was whining and well that I think pointed it out more so to his father how much he does in fact whine. I don't know he still does it. I do not have a problem with being a step mother I think it is much harder to be a step parent than a bio. parent. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am losing it and I am letting this five year old child run  my life and me, my daughter, and my husband have to suffer because of him.

[rebbecca]

Will his mom be willing to talk to you and your husband about it??

[step_mother]

I do love him like he was my own but I don't know how to help him. I have tried everything. I got a suggestion of giving each child 30 min of my undivided attention and whether we play a game or read or whatever they both have my attention fully for 30 minutes. WE tried!!! I have done that to try to show him a little more attention. But geezzzz. I want to help him know that his father and I love him and would do anything for him. I am trying to be the mother that he doesn't have. I  feel sorry for him to but how do I make him feel better??

[step_mother]

No i honestly do not think so. She doesn't care that is obivious. and i say that because most of the time when she is allowed to see him she doesn't even show up or she leaves with her new boyfriend. She is also very young and immature still.

[Agiesmom]

I have found that no matter how hard you may try to "deal" with him, kids are intuitive and can sense that they are a problem and that in turn perpetuates the problem.

You are doing well to spend one-on-one time with him.  I'm sure the new baby is a huge issue for him.  Someone here once said, "It's like your husband bringing home a younger, cuter wife and telling you, "I want you to love her like I love her and help her to feel a part of our family!"--that would be tough!"  That's what he's going through, but he doesn't have the full-time love and attention of his mother or the joint support and reassrance of his parents to help him through it.

I know it's frustrating, but don't give up on him.  And try to get yourself in a truly loving state of mind when you are with him.  Keep in mind how tough this all must be for him.

[rebbecca]

Now that sounds like his big problem........know that she is coming and not showing up.
When my younger brother was 5 or 6 my mom would tell him that daddy was coming soon and my poor little brother would sit on the couch with his little bag packed and his coat on for hours until he would fall asleep on the couch and my mom would take him to bed,  It broke my heart watching him going though it. And after Daniel [my brother} going though that a couple more time my mom stopped telling him.
Have you and your husband talked about him only seeing her when you are both with him. MAybe these is alot of your stepsons problem.

[step_mother]

well we have to take him to his grandmother's house which is her mother that she lives with. my step son gets supervised visitation with his mother. but the thing is like we take him at 6 on friday and pick him up on sunday at 6. most of the time his mother is not there when we take him and maybe shows up after he has already gone to bed because she is out with her boyfriend and i know this because we have hired a pi. then saturday she leaves pretty early and goes to work and then same thing don't come in until he is in bed and sunday leaves again and then we pick him up before she gets back. also let me add you know yourself most of the time if you haven't seen your mother you would or should want to see her snuggle with her maybe sleep in her bed because its mommies bed. well he doesn't . he sleeps in his grandmothers bed because he doesn't have his own room over there. and when his mother is there around him she doesn't hug him and say anything like " oh i have missed you" or anything like that. she just opens the door and he walks under her arm and goes inside. that is pretty much it.

[step_mother]

maybe rebbecca you are right i feel like his mother is alot of his problem but how can i make it better for him. we are doing everything we can to get full custody of him and to stop the visitation because it is only making things worse. it would be different if she was a loving caring mom that cared in which if she was then i would want her to be a part of his life but she is not that and i can't make her be a good mom.

[rebbecca]

If I was you, on the days you have to drop him off if she isnt there then I wouldnt leave him. He would come back home with me. If she isnt going to be there then he shouldnt.
Good for you with the pi !! All she is doing is hurt him and thats not right.

[alliee0204]

That little guy is going through alot. He is only five and I would take him to therapy asap. He needs to know that he is still loved but that there are rules and when he goes out of bounds, there will be consequences. Spanking and severe punishment will not help. You have to be reasonable. Good luck.

[DustyL]

When I read your story I thought you were the ghost writer for MY life. Except My Step-daughter is 4 1/2 and my son is 4. We have sole custody of his daughter and her mother also just had a new baby. She, too, has supervised vists and was DISTROYING our relationship!!!! She acted up around us, yes. But wayyyy more so when she came home from her mothers. At that time she was supervised under her grandmothers care. More recently we asked the court for Supervised vists out of fear for her mental and emotional strain and the pain she was causing for his daughter. We were granted our request and things have improved. I bought the book "SOS Help For Parents" which helped me 2000000% with her behaviors at my house. We also found that if we talk about her visits with mom after the visit is over her mood changes more rapidly then if we don't talk about it. Your Step-son has only had your husband and now he's YOUR husband. So in him eyes he's lost his mom to a new baby, his dad to a new wife and also has this pesky older sister that i'm sure he didn't want. It's a lot to handle for an adult much less a child. I would start with looking into that book cause it's GREAT! for starters. If you're concerned with his emotional well being while with mom, maybe having his law gardian or atty look into what is actually going on inside the home. There's a reason you have custody... chances are whatever it is/was hasn't changed and with a new baby, the little bit of attention he got at mom's is out the window!!!! Good Luck!

[DustyL]

Sorry lost my thought on this one.... More recently we asked the court for Supervised vists with someone OUTSIDE of her family.

[nastursim]

I definitely think this little boy needs to see a therapist, and why he does not have some form of guardian with the supervised visits is something that should be looked into. How can they let him go on supervised visits with his mother, if she is not even there?? Be patient with him, very patient and loving, show him that you will not abandon him and that you love him no matter what. Is it possible to take a family break to allow some bonding time?? How was he before you and your husband moved in together??

[tsnowe123]

Ok, here is my personal advice. PLEASE try it. I WAS A STEP CHLD AND VERY MUCH THE SAME!!
#1: You aren’t his mother, (not trying to offend you) so, when the father is home, you can not take authority, ok? Because, you will be "the bad guy" Also your husband needs to back you up 100%. You have to have the same rules (at your home) and be on common ground. If you take full authority, he is going to resent you, because: "You’re not my mother!" as I'm sure he has said. I have had many step parents, between my father and mother, so I do know how it feels.
#2 At times you do have to have authority. When he does something wrong, get down to his level, use a STERN voice, and say, "you are in time out because you..." and put him in a time out chair, I KNOW he will throw a fit, but he needs to sit there until the 5 min is done. AFTER, go to him, ON HIS LEVEL, in a nice voice and tell him, now you need to say "sorry to me" it needs to be sincere" AFTER, give him a kiss and a hug, and COMPLETELY forget about the incident.
#3 STAND your ground, this may take a week or two, but I know it will work.
#4. Consistently tell him “WOW, you are such a BIG boy, and I think for being such a BIG BOY, you should get $1 for helping with the baby, and doing chores…”
#5. Do not give up!!! You BOTH can do it!!!
Please keep us up to date and much love from all of us....
.PS, as far as the baby, he does feel like he is not getting the love and attention. Do not linger on what he is doing wrong, and OVER PRAIS him when he does even the simplest thing right. Lots of hugs and kisses, and tell him you under stand why he is angry, and also, if you take the time, when he is calm, ASK him, "why are you so mad all the time" /I did that with my son and he replied ": You always say your going to play with me, and then you just clean, clean, clean, and then you play with Alyssa when she cries..."at the time she was 7 months, he was 4.
He is doing this for attention, I'm sure you know. But do not feed into it, ONLY give him attention if he does something good.... hey hot sauce worked for me when I was little and spit at my brother... I hated it, and haven't had to do it with my children, not sure if Agree with it, but it is an option.......

[tsnowe123]

I also agree with Dusty, that is wonderful advice!

[tsnowe123]

Also everytime, he gets out of time out... I'm SURE you know he will, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING, calmly take him by the arm, him strugling and all, and place him back... SAY NOTHING!!!!

[MrsVain]

Have you tried just hugging the boy? Loving him unconditionally and showing him stability? By your actions, and reactions you are sending the poor child mixed messages. And how hateful of you to put diapers on him and degrade him because you are "At your wits end" He is lost, confused and threatened by the divorce, the new mommy and the new baby {which is why older children ACT like babies when a new one is born} and instead of being loving and understanding you belittle his feeling and insecurities. How else to you expect this little guy to act?

I agree with Aniesmom with the 'Can you not empathize with him?  Can you not put yourself in his shoes for five minutes so you might have some compassion? "

You say you are recently married but not how recent is recent. Did you not spend any time getting to know this boy before you married his father? I don’t think the child needs therapy but if that is what helps you realize your actions are wrongful then go for it. You say you don’t have an issue being a stepmother however you mention it repeatedly and your screen name is stepmother. In my house, the word step is not allowed. no step brother/sister, no step mother/father. My children call my husband daddy: out of respect if nothing else. In 8 years, and 5 children: we have only heard "You are NOT my real ...." ONCE. It was not allowed. There are so many other more important issues to adjust to, and I believe YOU DO have an issue about being a step.

You mention you love the father, your husband. You never said a single word about loving the boy. You will be amazed on how far a simple hug will go. You don’t need to talk or lecture or even think during a hug. You can just hold him in your arms and comfort him if you don’t know the proper things to say. Really hold him, get down on your knees and wrap your arms around him for longer than a minute and hug him. By doing so, you will be showing him, you accept him, you comfort him, you understand him, and most importantly you love him no matter how difficult he gets. You hug your own child several times a day but of course she is not giving you issues, problems or driving you crazy. But in fact this little boy needs MORE hugs then your daughter. She is secure in her knowledge of your love and acceptance. This little boy is running around in circles trying to figure where he belongs in a very complex grown up world. Of course he wants attention. Of course he acts out, whines over everything, throws fits, bites, spits, lies, and makes himself throw up. {The making himself throw up really concerns me and I hope this behavior has stopped}.

Have you asked yourself, "What would I do if my daughter was doing this?" and act accordingly. And honey, a hug costs nothing if maybe a little of your pride, but the results are priceless. Oh, and another word of advice, the next time you are "At Yours Wits end" let your husband watch the kids or get a babysitter and take a breather.  

[SeriousSam]

"So I went to the store and bought diapers and baby food. I carried him everywhere and honestly treated him like one. But still that didn't work. "

Both you and the child at the very least need counseling.  Other than trying to create a child with a diaper fetish when he is older the first thing that came to mind is a report that I saw on child abuse that our state handled last year.  You are quickly going down a path that the mother could use, if she wanted to have full custody pulled and have changed to supervised if that is what your husband has.  I suspect that might make some matters difficult for him.

Just out of curiousity did consent to this?  And would you be ok with him doing this to your daughter?  Or if she picked food up off the floor if he put a animal collar on her etc.?  That would seem to be the next illogical step on this path you've chosen.  

I''m not trying to be insulting but if you continue on that particular path it you guys might lose sone AND daughter to a foster home.

Honestly tsnowe seemed to have the best advise overall.  I'd try to follow it and always ask yourself if you would like it if your husband did it to your daughter.  Just out of curiousity what is his role in this?   If he is letting you decide all this stuff without input he has some serious problems, as there are burdens he should be shouldering not you.

[SeriousSam]

Also try this.  NEVER PUNISH WHILE YOU ARE ANGRY!!

I am not and have not ever been a step parent but over the years I have taken care of kids in addition to mine that were not my kids and am doing so now for pretty much all ages and these last twi probably for quite some time.  ANd I have found that if you make yourself calm down first a world of harm can be prevented.

And in the summer (LOL) grow a vegetable garden and whoever gets in trouble weeds the garden.  When we I was little we had a very big garden I almost perpetually seemed to be taking care of as punishment! It seemed to work for me and I think the time alone working not sulking is good for kids in general.

[margypops]

Good and interesting feed back here for all who are step parenting and all who want further ways of being better at it, I enjoyed reading all the posts,.

[SeriousSam]

What does the daycare say?  Or are you a stay at home mom?  Are these kids home schooled?

[kayakka]

Its tough being a step-parent, but there's been some very good feedback to your question already, so I'll be brief. Three things: loving, consistency and consistency of loving. That is a requirement. I've had the lot, verbal, even physical abuse from my stepkids. Now I get hugs and its awesome.

[lisaM54]

I am also a "step" mom.  Been married to my husband for almost two years.  I have two children of my own, he has three.  At first, we had all five living under my roof because I ran a daycare from my home.  Then we moved to his family homestead, for many reasons but mostly because his ex wanted it that way.  The oldest really gave me a run for my money and now lives with her mother.  The other two visit their mom every other weekend.  My son, acts out at his mothers because he gets hardly any attention.  He has a younger brother that gets most of it.  I know it is because he feels left out and less superior to his new brother.  He is great at home!  Believe me, it took awhile for it to be that way.  I always remember to talk to him about school, give him lots of hugs and praise, tuck him into bed and say prayers everynight.  My husband and I do not always agree on discipline, but we do stay consistant and never talk in front of the kids about discipline.  

I agree with the other parents.  As hard as it may be, you have to show this child he is just as important as your own daughter.  He is very confused.  Who knows, it could also stem for his mother.  My children's real mom is very condensending towards me and goes as far as telling them they do not have to listen to me.  I just tell them that I am an adult and their mother and they need to follow the rules set before them inorder for our family to work correctly.

Blending families is never easier and if anything you have to work even harder to make it work.  We find that you have to use many forms of discipline.  We have a 3 strikes and your out policy.  First it is a warning, then a time out, then sentences, then nap/bed time early.  Sometimes we do spank, but only if other things have failed and only depending on the severity of the situation.  Most of the time spanking does not work.  I do think that giving a punishment when your mad is the wrong way to go.  Usually, I take a 10-15 minute break and think about a punishment with my husband.