I cannot figure out my 5 year old

[stacymynor]

For the last year I have been taking care of my 5 year old nephew.  Sometimes I feel as if I am not the right person for him because he gets so angry at anything I tell him to do.  If I am on the phone talking to someone he has to be loud, and he always wants something such as food or drink or he wants the phone so he can "make a phone call".  Also if he sees me on the internet he acts the same way.  I do not use the phone much, and the internet is something I really do not use very often at all, but his mother did, all the time.  Matter of fact that is all she did when he lived with her, this child could get his own drink, and food by himself at 3 years old (cereal, sandwiches, cheese, etc.).  He has a temper out of this world and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and angry I do not know what to do, seriously!  I do not like to spank him because that makes it much, much worse.  When he lived with his mother all she did was hollar, scream, and hit on him.  She started spanking him at about 5 or 6 months old.  He never had any bruises or marks so there was nothing me or my family could do.  The last time she had him with her she called me panicing and saying to come and get him because he jumped out of her car.  I raced over and just so happened the car was stopped at a stop sign when he did it.  He constantly had poop in his pants when me or the family would go to her house because she would not change his pants (he was almost 4 when I got him), and that resulted in big sores on his behind.  We even took him to the hospital once for it, and to our family doctor who got very upset to see how his behind looked.  One day she decided to move away and I was to keep the child until she gets on her feet.  She has been back to visit him 2 times since Feb., 2008.  When she left the first time it took me about 4 or 5 months for him to stop pooping his pants every day, acting out, having to fall asleep in my bed and then put him in his own bed, and to learn that he does not have to get his own food and drink.  I even had to take him to see a therapist for his anger, the therapist gave him a prescription for Resperidol (risperidone).  That worked for quite a while, he stopped pooping, and everything else fell into place.  I thought to myself everything is going to be okay now.  Well, one day between Thanksgiving and Christmas his mother came for a 4 day "visit".  Well what she really came for was some of her stuff that I had stored in my house.  While she was here all she did was talk on her cell phone, go places with her old friends (no she did not take him), and go through her stuff to see which things she could fit into her car.   When she did leave things went the same way as they did when she left in the beginning.  Now I am having a problem getting things to go right.  At first he was just acting out, I expected that, and about the first week of January he started pooping his pants and he just won't stop.  He has a serious anger problem again, and he has started doing things he knows he is now supposed to do.  It's as if he is doing things to get attention.  I do not know why because I have 3 kids, 24, 19, and 17 years, that always play with him.  My husband adores him.  I took him back to see the therapist this week and he doubled his Resperidol (risperidone).  I don't like having to double his med's every time she comes to visit, and I hope it does not take 4 or 5 months to get him straight again.  I tried to get her to give me legal custody of him and she said no.  My family and I tried to get a lawyer so he would not have to go back to the way he was living before but they all say we don't have a leg to stand on.  At the end of the school year she says she will be back to get him, and he is waiting for that day.  If she does not or is not able to come for him he is going to face another disappointment from her again.  If someone out there has any answers or experience in this matter, would you please help!  1/23/09


This discussion is related to 5 yr old with anger management issues.

[mom@homenow]

OMG, that poor child. I don't have any experience with this but I'm sure you realize that he is acting out because he feels so out of control of his life. As soon as he has a few months of stability and proper care and nurturing- with your family- then wham, she arrives to remind him of what his life was like before and he thinks oh no, not again. It sounds like among all her problems his mother has anger issues (who spanks a 5 month old??) and he likely inherited some of her traits, and of course his experiences in his first four years did nothing to help him learn.
If the doctors documented the sores and if anyone documented the bruises from when he was younger, that might help in a custody case. I don't know how many resources you've tried, but maybe your local health department (child advocacy/welfare department) could suggest a local lawyer who has dealt with difficult cases. Another resource might be to contact the local foster care office and see if they can recommend a lawyer or what action you could take to try to keep him in your custody. I hope you can convince his mother that it's in his best interest to let him stay with you.

[stacymynor]

Thank you for your response to my problem.  Yes the sores on his behind are documented, and the fact that the welfare department has gone to her house numerous times when she lived here and found it absolutely disgusting.  All they told her was that it was unacceptable and to clean it up.  'The problem is, they tell her when they will be returning to check on him.  I believe he poops his pants because this is the only thing in his life he has control of.  He has never had any bruises from her hitting him, I believe she is smarter than that.  I don't think she wants him as much as she wants what she can gain from having him.  Like food stamps, low income housing, etc. We had a big fight the other day about her wanting to claim him on her taxes because she needed the money for her rent, I told her no, I have had him for a year and I am going to put him on mine so I can buy him clothes and such.  It led to a big fight but I won.  Last summer when stimulus checks came out she got one on her and him and didn't give him nothing.  He didn't even get anything for Christmas and next month is his birthday and I'll bet anything he gets nothing from her even though she just got her taxes in yesterday.   I have talked to the welfare department and they just say they do not have suffecient evidence to keep her from taking him.  The biggest thing that gets me is he really wants to go home with her, regardless of the past.  I know she is my family member but sometimes I wish she would stay out of his life and let him be a normal little boy.