I caught my 11 son standing outside my door; masterbating(masturbating) while my husband and I were having sex. Should I be alarmed? Counseling?

I caught my 11 year old son masterbating (masturbating) outside my bedroom door while my husband and I were having sex.  We have had several behavior problems with him in the last year. He is my middle child; youngest son. In the past year; he has smoked a cigerette, drank a beer, stole money from me, downloaded porn (group sex porn; hard core porn.)  This one sentence makes him sound out of control; these were all things he did byhimself in our home. I believe it was his first offense to each. He gets very good grades and is in a higher learning class. I have tried speaking to him about each of these issues and as a family we have done several things to help him make good decisions.  Now I am just worried- what kind of behavior is this? I always thought it was gross when my parents had sex; not turned on by it. Our bedroom is upstairs; and we were not being loud. Very Scared! - any advice???  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Contrary to what many believe, adolescence is not generally a time of great turmoil for youngsters. At the same time, it does pose new challenges, among them a surge in impulses (partly sexual). Now, taken alone, none of the behaviors you describe with your son is alarming. However, taken together they may indicate that he is experiencing some difficulty managing the impulses and emotions that come with late preadolescence and early adolescence. Can he come to you and his father and confide in you? Are you able to talk with him about sexual development and the loving context in which sexual relations should occur? If not, whom does he confide in? Does he have someone in his life he can talk with about these things? It would be a good idea to arrange an evaluation with a clinician who specilaizes in the treatment of children and teens and who can take a look at all you have described and place these things in the context of your son's overall development. Does your son's behavior indicate a problem? Not necessarily, but it's worth taking a look at.

[NautyOne]

Maybe you could put a lock on your door so he can't watch you?? just a thought.

[susie_que]

are you abusing the sight or are you just stupid? Why would you be so inconsiderate as to have sex in the presance of your child. I think you made the whole thing up, this is not a usual reaction to seeing parents have intercourse. Most children are afraid of it and would do everything to avoid seeing or even hearing it again. You would see problems when he is a teenager maybe but what you just described does not go on. Hope you had a goo laugh.

[kel906]

i think you should be very alarmed cause it is a serious matter, but i do agree with nautyone maybe a lock would help with him walking in and maybe you should be cautious about the times you do have intercourse. my 14 yr old nephew just experienced walking in on his mom and dad just the other night and it freaked him out and needless to say he forgot what he went in there for. but any parents that do that alot do need to be cautious that their kids are gonna be courious and get a lock and be quieter!!1

[MissLizzy]

If he is reacting this way, I would be concerned that he is a bit overly sexually stimulated at such a young age.  It IS normal for children to masterbate, but not to their own parents having sex.  I suppose children are growing up younger and younger, but for him to connect watching porn and sex with masterbation (masturbation) would be a huge red flag for me.  Where is he getting these ideas?

Also, now that he is so sexually stimulated, be sure to have a boundaries talk with him .  Often, they will unknowingly release sexual frustrations on younger, more nieve counter parts.  Not all cases of childhood sexual abuse occur b/c the perpetrator was abused themselves or not well.  Sometimes it is a child who is overly sexual but doesnt have the rationale to deal with it.

Just some thoughts...