I don't know how to help my daughter.

[AvonLadyJenn]

My daughters father has not talked to her since about this time last year.  He always told my daughter who is now 15 it was her job to call him and would often guilt trip her when she didn't.  Last year she called him on his birthday and he asked if he could call her back.  He still has not called back.  He refuses to call her.  I wrote him a letter a few months back explaining that this was straining their relationship and that she did have a desire to talk to him.  Through the grape vine she heard that her dad expects her to apologize for something....she has no idea what.  

Recently her father's  girlfriend contacted her by email to say that she knows this is not her fault and doesn't understand why her dad won't call her.  

Even though my daughter has put on a brave front...this really effects her.  After school on Wednesday I had a conversation with her and found out that she feels abandoned and rejected by her father.  She was very tearful and emotional the remainder of the evening.  I have tried numerous times to get her to talk, but it is difficult when she always says she is "fine" or "nothing is wrong"....I know that is typical for this age.  

I want her to ask for help, but she feels bad when she does.  She is afraid to ask for help from males particularly and I think she avoids asking for help in fear that it will upset her.  I am at a loss as to what to do at this point and how to help her with this.  There is clearly a deep seeded fear in her of men in general which began in 5th grade when her male teacher was, well, less than encouraging towards her.  He often told her that her problem was she didn't WANT to do well in school.  Ever since then she has a real problem asking for help, especially from males even as harmless as they seem.  I would hate to see her continue on this path when it is clear that avoiding male teachers, bosses and men is not an option.

I have recommended she write a letter in her own handwriting and send it to her dad.  She is VERY emotional and cries easily now a days.  She has times when she is totally up....and others when she is down.  She has stress induced stomach aches and headaches a lot now a days.  I want her to open up, but can't seem to get her to talk to me....most of the time.  Sometimes I can and I enjoy those times to help her.  But this is something she just doesn't want to talk about...so she 'stuffs' her feelings on this and many other things.

Any advice or recommendations you have would be greatly appreciated.

[rsheffer]

I have a similar Issue with my Two kid's daddy. Back in October I was granted Primary Pysical Custody of both of them. He is to take a drug test every three months, and If he dosen't or dosent pass the test I have the right to keep the kids from him. Their father is a Drug addict and when the kids lived with him he had bills in their names.Which I pressed charges on him for. He has since October not taken the Drug Test and has not payed any child support since November 19th. I am playing the waitting game right now with Domestic Relations. My son is very angry with his father and has started to act out his anger against his 3 yr old little sister and his 7 year old sister. He's had problems with steeling and lieing about things and hidding things from us. I know where the anger comes from and the only thing I can do is protect them and get my son some counseling. The steeling has to deal with food, my son takes food in the middle of the night and hides it in his room then when he gets caught he blames it on his little sister who's too small to get as high as the food is. In 2 months I will be taking the father back to court to hold him in contempt for the Child Support and the Custody Order. I think that fathers like my kids and your daughters should not have any rights. If they can't handle being a parent then their right should be stripped and let some man who wants to raise them do so and give them children the love they desrve. I wish you luck from the bottom of my heart.

[redneckmom]

I'm from WI.  As long as you are involved in the court's rulings they are very strict here.  You go to jail if you don't do what was ordered.

[AvonLadyJenn]

Yeah that is the one thing can say about him is he does pay his child support.  I had them do a review of child support after 10 years bcause when I first left I was too scared to tell them he lied about his income and expenses.  He just didn't bother responding when it came up a few years ago and said that he would pay the higher amount.  Although once they started taking the higher amount he seemed to get REALLY upset because he said he couldn't "afford" it now.  Sure it cut into his BEER budget...of course he couldn't.  But for 10 years I was receiving less because he would lie to them.  So now he is actually paying a more reasonable amount.  Although when I had it re-evaluated he was paying half of our daughters health insurance.  But for the past 2 years he hasn't paid a dime towards that.  I told him he was behind and he ignores it.  I wonder if he is doing this to her because he is mad that I am asking him for the money for the insurance that he USE to pay just fine.  Stubborn and bull headed taking it out on the child!

[pleasehelpus]

I don't know where you are from...but, I know in the "GREAT" state of Texas...what you say about contempt charges against a deadbeat for not seeing his child as ordered, doesn't quite fly here.  My daughter is 7 and just recently started seeing her father...in those 7 years...he never even cared.  Then all of a sudden...his wife takes me to court for contempt....LOL...what a joke.  Said that I never let them see her....which is a lie...they never cared to.  But, my point is...when I originally retained my lawyer...I asked her if we could hold him in contempt for not being active...she says that we wouldn't have a leg to stand on...because he paid 1 child support payment a year...he wasn't in contemp...he could never see her if he chose to do so.  The one payment a year is what kept him from being in contempt.  LOL  Wonderful law system...  Now he is in her life and she has totally changed...  He has created so much anger in her it is unreal.  Worst day of my and her life was the day he actually started seeing her...

[pleasehelpus]

I'm very sorry that your daughter is having to go through this and you as well.  I think that it is wonderful that you are seeking further help for your daughter.  I have a 7 year old that has the same kind of man for a father...basically a sperm donor.  Nothing more.  Your daughter has your love and she will be content with that when she gets into that support group and begins to pour her feelings out.  Unfortunatly, you can't make a deadbeat love your child...and that is the hardest thing to realize especially when you love your child so much and don't understand it.  Good look and best wishes to both of ;you.  Let us all know how it turns out please.  Would be nice to hear a really great outcome!

[AvonLadyJenn]

I will have to look into a support group for her.  That might be a good idea...especially since she tends to "stuff" her feelings and not talk about them because it upsets her.  She has broken down a number of times at school recently.  Over the year she didn't break down, but when it started coming up on the year mark she got more and more emotional.  Even though I have reiterated that this is NOT her fault....I know as a kid it is hard to understand that.  Hard to understand WHY he wouldn't WANT to be a part of her life.. That is some of the things she said in her email response to his girlfriend.  That she doesn't understand why he wouldn't want to be part of her ups and downs as a kid.  Her dad didn't even send her a card or anything on her BIRTHDAY.  No call no card for Christmas.  He is a stubborn jerk who can't emotionally abuse ME anymore so he has turned to his own daughter.

At this point I don't know if she really WANTS to go see him.  I think she does, but at the same time feels strange about it because it has been so long.  As her mom I just wish I could take her pain away.  Being a teenager is tough enough without all this BS added to it!

[RockRose]

I agree with SL,  she really sounds like she could use counseling.  There may be support groups in your area for children of divorce - maybe she'd feel comfortable in a group of teens?

[SL345]

She sounds like a good candidate for counseling.

[RockRose]

There is a big,  huge,  painful lesson here.  Jerks are jerks,  even when it's your own dad.  

This guy sounds like a huge jerk to me.  I don't think she should be encouraged to write her feelings down in a letter - that leaves her SO vulnerable to more hurt!

I think I would say you know what,  I picked the wrong guy to have a baby with,  and I lucked out and got wonderful you.  Sometimes there's no explaining how people act,  and there's no explaining what a jackass he's being to you.  BUT,  you have grandpa,  and your uncles,  and everyone loves you and doesn't understand why he is missing out on such a wonderful girl.  Then take her to grandpas for a fun outing and dinner.

Best wishes.  I just am sitting here getting madder and madder for her.  

[redneckmom]

You can have him held in contemp of court.  Do that.  Parents need to be responsible for their children.  If the court ordered him to visitation, he will be held accountable for not doing that.  Your daughter shouldn't know if you do this, just do it on your own.  It does need to be done.

[AvonLadyJenn]

The court ordered visitation is every other weekend.  But yet...he hasn't seen her in over a year now.  Her grandfather and uncles are positive role models...my husband, her step father is...sort of one.  She and my husband seem to have more of a brother sister relationship.  I don't understand why he has shut her out.  It is hard to believe that he can think this will resolve anything at all.

[redneckmom]

Is there any sort of court ordered visitation in this situation?  I do agree that it is not the child's responsibility to call her father.  She should call him when she wants to or even when you tell her to.  However he should be the one reaching out to her.  Is there any positive male role model in her life?  A grandfather or uncle?  This is very sad and it happens way too often.  Why a parent feels they can shut out their own child is completely beyond my thinking.

[AvonLadyJenn]

Actually, her dad and I would talk on occassion about our daughter.  At first when I left him due to emotional and physical abuse back when my daughter was 18 months we had a difficult relationship.  Since then it had gotten much better.  I had talked to him about the guilt trips he was giving her and the guilt trips his girlfriend and her sons were giving her about not being the one to call her dad.  He was frustrated with his girlfriend for getting involved.  Her dad is a heavy drinker and likely drinking away his feelings about this leaving the teen daughter to deal with the frustrations on her own.  At this time I have stepped back and not gotten involved.  besides sending him the letter which I included a picture of his daughter and let him know what she was up to....and mentioned that he needed to call her.  I said it was his responsibility to be the parent here, not my daughters.  

[SeriousSam]

I am curious, what has your relationship been with the dad?

Sometimes it is easy for the father to transfer in his mind how he is treated with how his kids treat him when divorced.  Any chance this is a hangover from less pleasant days you may have blocked out of your mind?