I dont know what to do with my 4 year olds behavior problems

[Sanchez8]

My husband and I are at our limit. Our 4 year old seems out of control. He can be the sweetest, most loving boy in the world and then with no trigger turn violent, angry and out of control. At first, I thought it was seperation anxiety. I stay at home with him, and I thought that he was just not used to being with my husband. Now, it has come to the point where he refused to do just about anything without me. He cried when my husband touches him and just screams for me. He will not sleep in his own bed. He also has huge aggression issues. My 6 year old daughter is afraid of him. He bites, hits, kicks and anything else to hurt someone....including me. A year ago, he picked up my pomeranian and threw her. Breaking both her front shoulders. He is mean to me too. He seems to have no respect or concern for anything other than being with me. He is refuses to listen and often tells me, "no, you do it". Every punishment we have tried has no effect...its like he doesnt care.

I love my son very much, but I dont know what to do. It is draining to have a child that needs help and not know how to. I have spoken with my pediatrician a while ago and all he said was that it was too early to diagnose or evaluate any mental/behavioral problem. He offered me no support or answers as to what I can do. I am reluctant to go back. If anyone could give me any advice on what I could do, try or research....I would appreciate it!

[jdtm]

He will not talk to strangers.--  your words

This is a major red flag for severe social anxiety called "selective mutism".  I believe the best site on the internet for information re sm (as we often say for selective mutism) is "selectivemutism.org" where I might suggest you start by reading the FAQ's.  There is lots and lots of information on this topic on this site.  By the way, our granddaughter was selectively mute for several years while in a perceived "unsafe" place - probably about five years in school before she was able eat, use the washroom or speak at school.  Let me  know if this could be the issue.  If so, the same path needs to be followed - see the guidance from a professional medical mental health specialist as a child psychiatrist or child neurologist.  Hope this helps ....

[jdtm]

Our granddaughter suffers from severe anxiety.  Because of this, I belong to a support group for parents and teachers of children suffering from anxiety.  This group has provided a wealth of information (not a path I would have chosen but one that was chosen for me).  But, I have very little knowledge/experience in bi-polar although this, too, is becoming more transparent.

Children with anxiety have difficult with sleeping and eating and interacting.  These common functions often frustrate them to no end and thus - we see major temper tantrums.  They often occur after returning to the home (a safe place) - whether from school, or the  mall or where the child felt "unsafe".  But, I do not remember our granddaughter ever having difficulty with rapid mood change.  She did suffer from depression but that lifted when her psychiatrist started to treat her anxiety (this was at six years of age - she's now a teenager).  Sensory issues are also a large part of anxiety (and I think, also, bipolar - but not sure).  Have you googled terms as "early onset bipolar in children" or "bipolar in young childen" or even "bipolar in toddlers"?  The symptoms are slightly different than those from an adolescent or an adult.  Hope this helps ...

[Sanchez8]

After reading my original question, I forgot to mention a couple things. First he has had issues with going pee and poop other places in the house. He has played in his own poop and gone pee all over his bedroom and favorite toys. Also, he is very unsure of new people. He refuses to play at the playground with other children. He will not talk to strangers...even dr.'s or teachers. When he is asked to speak with them, he throws huge fits, cries for me, and tells me to talk for him.

[Sanchez8]

I have been reading about both seperation anxiety and early onset bipolar disorder in children. Although I am not a medical professional, they all sound similair in childhood symptoms. I have read that indeed many of the same symptoms of seperation anxiety are part of bipolar disorder. What I cant connect with is the mood stages in bipolar disorder. My son does change moods very fast...with no trigger. But they do not last as long as most of the information I have found about bipolar disorder. I have not read anything about seperation anxiety causing such violent tantrums. I do know that every child is different and along with this, every case is different. It would be wise to seek professional help.

Thanks for your advice. Anything helps. Do you have experience with either seperation anxiety or bipolar disorder? I am just asking because I dont and from my stand point, its hard to tell if it is with in the "normal" behavior or raises alarms.

[jdtm]

Frankly, your posting does sound very much like severe anxiety.  Most people are surprised when they realize that aggression and rages and temper tantrums are "part and parcel" of this disorder.  Do keep in mind that separation anxiety disorder is far more frustrating and volitile than its less irksome twin - separation anxiety issues.  I'm wondering if it might be wise to see your pedatrician again but ask for a referral to a medical mental health specialist as a child psychiatrist or child neurologist.  Your son is not too old for treatment (which usually involves intervention and possibly therapy and/or medication).  I assure you, that if anxiety is the issue, your son will not outgrow it nor will it go away.  But, anxiety is highly treatable and responds very well to treatment.

One other possiblity that I am reluctant to mention is early onset bipolar disorder.  Separation anxiety is a large part of this disorder in young children but the rages and destruction are greater than that of a child suffering from anxiety.  Is there a history of mood disorders and/or anxiety disorders in this child's families?  Sorry to mention this but ....  I wish you the best ....

[mommy_of_three88]

I can't really comment on anything but the aggression issues. My brother is 11. He has had similar issues for a few years now and they became increasingly frequent and increasingly more violent. He has choked his brother, hit my mother, put his hand through a window on purpose, called everyone every name in the book, but he is the catch...normally he is more than obedient, yes mam, yes sir ect. And after these episodes he has literally written letters of apology without being asked or told. He will go from being super sweet to a complete monster with the smallest trigger, and other times, you will think he is going to get mad about something but then he doesn't. He got so violent that his parents had to call the police to control him repeatedly. Every time he was "arrested" and sent to a temporary facility (24-48hrs) then he would come home and do it all over again. He was eventually sent to a longer term facility which he will spend a minimum of 6 months. I really hope that they find what the problem is. Right now they are leaning towards different mood disorders. You just have to remember that it is not his fault and he needs help, not punishment. If his doctor is not taking your concerns seriously, then I suggest getting a new doctor or at least a second opinion. Please don't let this go, as he gets bigger, older, and stronger, he will also get angrier and more dangerous. Try taking his to see a psychiatrist.