Aa
I don't know what to do
I'm losing control of my 12 year old son. Everything he does is to the extreme and goes without punishment because I don't know what to do. His father isn't a good role model for him and he's following in his dad's footsteps and I can't stand the thought of my son turning into what his daddy is. Should I elaborate? is there anyone out there who is listening and can offer some advice? I posted a question in this very forum 5 years ago about my son's behavior and attitude. It was never responded to! It's crazy to think that 5 years later I'm still banging my head against the wall trying to stop this from happening but all that's really happening is I'm losing control and at this point I think it's to late to help.
Sorry that you didn't get any response to your post in 2010.
Please do not give up on your child. He is 12 and is at a very vulnerable age. Don't spank and shout, as you have experienced this does not work. It gets you worked up; he sees that you get out of control and this is his way of manipulating things to get you to lose your cool.
Be firm, and I mean be very firm when you ask him to do something, but always be polite and use the words "Please" and Thank you" or say "I would appreciate if you would do ....., thanks, that would be great." . You don't need to shout.
If you show that he is getting to you, he will do it the more and not listen.
Suggest that if he does whatever, then you both could go out or you would pay for him to do whatever. Set up household rules and chores for him to do. Set up a reward board, so he earns a star and for so many stars, you will reward him - this could be an outing, pocket money and so on.
If he has a mobile phone, has a TV in his room, stays up watching TV late, you are going to have to stop all that.
When he comes from school, ask him what sort of day he has had, what did he do, who he played with etc.
It appears to me that he is lacking in love, affection and attention that he needs.
Children will be unruly to get attention, even if it is bad attention from the parents it is still attention, albeit the wrong type.
Remember that your son is 12, you are the parent and should be in control. Don't allow him to control you. Set times when he should be up to brush his teeth and in bed. If he replies "I'm watching this" (TV), switch it off. Don't let him out with friends until he has done homework, or other small chores, like wash or dry the dishes.
You can also put a stop to his friends coming round (if they do), if you feel they are the ones that are influencing him in a negative way.
If your husband is on the scene, talk with him when your son is NOT around so that you both support each other to bring up your son.
If you have never had a talk with the school about your son's behaviour, then do see his teacher. Your son may be bullied at school and too afraid to say anything.
At 12 he is still growing and developing and he will still have tantrums and mood swings.
Don't give him any junk food, fizzy drinks, sweets, chocolates, cakes, biscuits, processed foods to eat. The orange cordials and the coloured sweets are the worst in that they contain E numbers. Look at food labels and avoid any with too much sugar and artificial colorants and chemicals.
Give him fresh foods, fruit, vegetables, milk, yogurt, nuts, meat, fish.
Make healthy meals.
Make an appointment to speak with your doctor, or the school about your son getting an appointment with a child psychologist.
You cannot change his character, but what you can do and still have time to do, is to teach him the right way of doing things. Once he is of age and leaves home, then you have no control of what happens.
As parents, once children start school, we do not have a lot of control, because of influences outside of the home and even exposure to television.
Don't think that your son will be like his dad. If you guide him in the right direction, I am sure he will turn out just fine.
Please do not give up on your child. He is 12 and is at a very vulnerable age. Don't spank and shout, as you have experienced this does not work. It gets you worked up; he sees that you get out of control and this is his way of manipulating things to get you to lose your cool.
Be firm, and I mean be very firm when you ask him to do something, but always be polite and use the words "Please" and Thank you" or say "I would appreciate if you would do ....., thanks, that would be great." . You don't need to shout.
If you show that he is getting to you, he will do it the more and not listen.
Suggest that if he does whatever, then you both could go out or you would pay for him to do whatever. Set up household rules and chores for him to do. Set up a reward board, so he earns a star and for so many stars, you will reward him - this could be an outing, pocket money and so on.
If he has a mobile phone, has a TV in his room, stays up watching TV late, you are going to have to stop all that.
When he comes from school, ask him what sort of day he has had, what did he do, who he played with etc.
It appears to me that he is lacking in love, affection and attention that he needs.
Children will be unruly to get attention, even if it is bad attention from the parents it is still attention, albeit the wrong type.
Remember that your son is 12, you are the parent and should be in control. Don't allow him to control you. Set times when he should be up to brush his teeth and in bed. If he replies "I'm watching this" (TV), switch it off. Don't let him out with friends until he has done homework, or other small chores, like wash or dry the dishes.
You can also put a stop to his friends coming round (if they do), if you feel they are the ones that are influencing him in a negative way.
If your husband is on the scene, talk with him when your son is NOT around so that you both support each other to bring up your son.
If you have never had a talk with the school about your son's behaviour, then do see his teacher. Your son may be bullied at school and too afraid to say anything.
At 12 he is still growing and developing and he will still have tantrums and mood swings.
Don't give him any junk food, fizzy drinks, sweets, chocolates, cakes, biscuits, processed foods to eat. The orange cordials and the coloured sweets are the worst in that they contain E numbers. Look at food labels and avoid any with too much sugar and artificial colorants and chemicals.
Give him fresh foods, fruit, vegetables, milk, yogurt, nuts, meat, fish.
Make healthy meals.
Make an appointment to speak with your doctor, or the school about your son getting an appointment with a child psychologist.
You cannot change his character, but what you can do and still have time to do, is to teach him the right way of doing things. Once he is of age and leaves home, then you have no control of what happens.
As parents, once children start school, we do not have a lot of control, because of influences outside of the home and even exposure to television.
Don't think that your son will be like his dad. If you guide him in the right direction, I am sure he will turn out just fine.
Hi there. I don't know if your son will turn out to be like his dad hon. I'd focus on just what is happening and how you can help get him on track. Sometimes if we didn't pick a great person to make a baby with, we have extra to deal with but that is out of your control now as hind sight is 20/20.
So, what is your son doing? That would really help. And what kinds of techniques have you used to stop the behavior?
So, what is your son doing? That would really help. And what kinds of techniques have you used to stop the behavior?
Hello. I'm sorry you're still struggling.
Here's the rule of thumb about boys and their dads. Boys usually act just like them, or at least have the same character traits. In studies, EVEN if the boy never met his father and doesn't know anything about him, he will still end up in remarkably the same place as the father. If they have the added bonus of having the dad there as a role model, it's all the more.
Criminality in the father is the greatest determiner of criminality in the son. It's a better determiner than abuse, poverty, lack of education, etc. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
So. Having said all that, in general is your son kind of on track? Despite his doing things you disapprove of, is he successful in school, fairly successful with friends, fairly well-liked, etc.?
What specifically are the behaviors your son has that you are trying to change?
Best wishes -
Here's the rule of thumb about boys and their dads. Boys usually act just like them, or at least have the same character traits. In studies, EVEN if the boy never met his father and doesn't know anything about him, he will still end up in remarkably the same place as the father. If they have the added bonus of having the dad there as a role model, it's all the more.
Criminality in the father is the greatest determiner of criminality in the son. It's a better determiner than abuse, poverty, lack of education, etc. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
So. Having said all that, in general is your son kind of on track? Despite his doing things you disapprove of, is he successful in school, fairly successful with friends, fairly well-liked, etc.?
What specifically are the behaviors your son has that you are trying to change?
Best wishes -
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