I just need someone to talk to

I have a stepson who's just over 2. And he's so hard to handle. He spits, hits, throws his toys, throws himself on the floor, tries to kick the cat, hit the cat, stand on the cat, he walks over all his toys, jumps on them, rides his little bike over them and the cushions even when you tell him not to. When he doesn't get his way he screams. Not cryin just screams at the top of his lungs and he can do that for ages. He doesn't eat well. All he likes eating is candy and cookies, which I won't give him the few days he's here. He spits his food into his bowl even when you say dont. When I shout at him he just screams back or laughs and sticks his tongue out. My husband works the days he's here so I have been left to look after him. I've told my husband I can't do it on my own and if his sons grandma could take him now and again as she use to. But his response was I've no choice and if I won't do it the marriage is over. I cry every day when I look after him. I dread every weekend coming. I'm just at a loss. Especially since I've only been around him a year and it wasn't the full year either. So technically I'm no1

[supermomma531]

First of all, this little boy needs to learn what time out is. Any time he does something you don't want him to, give him 3 chances and then put him in time out. If you don't start this now, he'll just get worse. Children know who will let them get away with stuff and who won't. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to and you won't do nothing about it. You need to change your way of dealing with him. But at the same time, you also need to play with him and have fun. You can go to the park, color, play with toys, teach him to help you with certain chores liker handing the laundry to you as you fold it. He is doing this for attention. It doesn't matter if the attention is good or bad. Pick a certain spot in your home to make as his time out spot. It doesn't matter if its on the couch, on a certain chair or in his room. He would get 1 minute per age year so he would have 2 minutes time out. You have to be consistent. This is the key. Also use a reward sticker chart with him for all the things he does really well. Praise him for the things that he does well as often as possible. This will send the message to him that what he gets praised for is good so this should be done more often than not. But this takes lots of time. Redirection is a great source as well. If you see him going to get into trouble, send him to something different to do. If you have to, make a list each day of activities for you and him to do. At the end of each day or each weekend when he has done well with the reward chart, give him a treat whether it is a cookie or time at the park or a play date. You need to involve him in almost everything you do so that he stays out of trouble. Remember that he is still a baby and is learning from you. You can make a difference with this little boy. You have to be fun but firm with him so that he knows his boundaries with you. Kids don't always eat well either but if you give them choices out of either cereal or oatmeal, generally they will pick one. But choosing is a learning process as well. Let him eat what he wants to out of the meals you provide. So if you have a supper that contains meat,potatoes,and a veggie, let him decide what he'll he and how much of it. If he gets messy, he's cleanable. You have to try to relax and become stress free around him because he can feel that when he is around you. It'll be in you demeanor and how you act around him. If you have to, take some parenting classes on your own to learn how to cope with toddlers. Usually health units have these parenting classes going on a few times a year. Borrow or buy some parenting books from your local library or book store. If you want to stay a part of this family, you need to step up. I'm not trying to sound mean or cruel but kids teach us things everyday. And you need to look at this as a learning opportunity. I have three children of my own, my youngest being 2 yrs old. My other two are 8 & 10 yrs old. Things are challenging all the time but you have to try to stay on top of everything. Become as organized as possible. Kids work best on set schedules. Bed times need to be the same, nap times, waking up times, etc. Unless they are sick then they get the pass of sleeping for as long as needed. You will have some days where you just can't seem to get nothing done but once you realize this, just let things go for the rest of that day and have fun! The things that your stepson is doing is all normal two yr old stuff because to him, this is fun! But you have to be able to intervene at the moment that he is trying to step on the cat or color on your walls or put something down your toilet. Try to do some baking with him. He can hand you the eggs or the spoons to stir with. Let him hand you the potatoes that you might use for supper. This is a learning process for him as well. What kind of activities do you allow him to do now? I cannot believe that your husband would say something like this! How rude! You need to take a stand against your husband and stand up for your rights! You're his wife, not his maid or babysitter! What are you thinking at the time that he is telling you this option? Do you think that you really deserve to be treated like this? You need to have more self respect than letting him give you this ultimatum. You need to stand up for your self respect and rights and let him know that you're not going to stand for him treating you like this. This is your choice of whether to stay married to this guy or not. Maybe some marriage and family counseling would help you two out. Maybe some personal counseling would help you out too. If you need to talk or vent or ask anymore questions, please feel free to private message me anytime. I hope this help you out tremendously. Take care and good luck.

[tinytears87]

Thank for replying. It was nice getting some advice. I know somethings he does is just normal toddler behavior but a lot of it isn't. My mum fostered children from I was a baby until now and I've see all sorts of children come and go. Even children with downs, fas, adhd and other problems. And none of them have been like him. When he's back with his mummy he bes around and older boy who is mad and who gets to do what he wants so I know that's where he's pickin it up from. I've tried getting him to help as you suggested but it ends up all the time in him screaming and not handing over what your asking him too. Like handing the clothes when I'm ready for it he just won't give it no matter how much I ask. An egg I wouldn't even hand him cause everything round he throws in the air even when u say no throwing. He just laughs. I do time outs. There's a chair in the livingroom I put him on and I let him off after 2 mins aslong as he stops screaming which he does for the whole 2 mins. About my husband I love him and I can't live without him and he knows that. It hurts that he tells me I've no choice and it makes doing it harder. His grandma use to always mind him when my husband worked and at that stage he was easy to handle but a loud screamer. She use to say to him don't leave her alone with him. Now that he's older and like this she doesn't say it. I'm afraid of not being able to handle it cause if I can't me and him are over. He told me yesterday its either I do it or its over cause he picks his son over me. I told him I'd never ask you to pick him or me. I'd never do that but I need help to help you. When he tells me it all I think is I can't be without him but I can't do this on my own every week. I'm not even from the USA. I moved from europe to be with him so I've no family here. I call my mummy all the time and cry to her. Thanks for listening, I'm sorry if it was too long.

[margypops]

It starts with the parent the adult ..children are born like this they are made like this ..reading your post I dont think the interaction is good he is onnly 2 years old , he is upset ,it may be a good idea to read up or google for some child/interaction skills and input, shouting at him is negative and he will return in kind ...children copy. Does he not see his mom at all, as this also could be a major upset in his life. Focus on his positive side ,Make sure fruit and crackers and healthy foods are provided.,there are great kids foods pasta in shapes, fish crackers kids love, string cheese yoghorts Cereal, let him have a little candy if he is used to it, to cut it out altogether sounds like punishment .Focus on winning him over,

[margypops]

Sorry I meant they are NOT born like this

[specialmom]

I have to say that I always feel sorry for a little one of this age being shifted from house to house.  Many kids in that situation will act out as they don't have a real sense of stability.  And while he may not be perfect, you are feeding the problem in a few ways.  First, if you are shouting at him, expect him to shout back.  You can't try to impulse control when you can't control your own.  That is a simple fact.  You must remain calm, be patient, and don't react in a way of shouting or becoming so angry.  I know it is hard.  Try pushing your tongue to the top of your mouth or taking deep breaths.  But you compound the problem when you lose control.  Also, a child can sense when an adult does not care for him.  My idea would be to start doing lots of activities with him.  Get out of the house.  Look for open play time somewhere where he can run around.  Y's have all kinds of wonderful kids programs.  You can play some games with him, do stickers together, take a music class.  Something in which he is occupied and you are doing something together that is posative.  

I think you have to remember he is only 2 as well.  This is a little guy.  He doesn't want to fold laundry with you.  He will fight getting dressed occasionally.  He will tell you he doesn't like certain foods.  That doesn't make him a terrible child.  That is normal two year old stuff.  So keep your expectations realistic.  You can switch his negative attention seeking to posative by making him your little buddy.  Praise him like crazy, cheer him on, find some joy in being with him.  He'll feel that, and I promise------- he'll respond.  You are his step mother.  He's had a life in which instability was created because of the parents.  It isn't his fault.  This is not to say loving time outs shouldn't be given or training and guiding him to act accordingly shouldn't be done.  But it has to be done with love and not exasperation.  Just my opinion.

If you can't handle it, I do think you need to tell the boys dad.  If it is the end of the marriage, then he was just looking for a nanny.  But this child's well being is more important and if you can't handle it then so be it.  Good luck.  Parenting is very hard work and all consuming.  It is not for everyone.  

[tinytears87]

Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it. I agree with a lot of what you all said. I understand he's 2 and I don't expect him to be perfect. Far from it. I know a lot of what he does is normal for a toddler. When I said shout, I meant, I tell him firmly as I feel I can not to do things I don't scream at him. He's with his mummy 5 days out of the week. I don't know if he's always with her tho. My husbands mother use to take him and they both have very different ways of dealing with children than I would. He's allowed to stay up until whatever time he wants. He's been up at 1 and 2 in the morning at his grandmas running around screamin. It took me ages to get his daddy around to puttin him to bed at 9:30 everynight. Which personally I feel for a 2 yr old is late. I've known this baby about 6 months all togther. And only recently has he been left alone with me. So its taking us both time to get use to eachother I guess. But my husband can't see that I'm finding it hard. I do time outs but they don't seem to be working and I think its cause he's getting hit a lot when he's at his mummys. I don't like that. His daddy said yesterday to spank him on the butt when he won't listen but he's not my child. I can't do that. I do say if u don't stop ur goin on the chair which usually doesn't work he just laughs and runs off doing what he wants. Then I put him on the chair. He screams. And then when he stops and the times up I let him down and he goes back and does it again laughin and stickin his tongue out. My mother suggested I just ignore the bad behavior completly. But I've noticed that just makes him do it more. Then there's the added fear that if I can't handle it my marriage is over. I talked to my husband and asked him lastnight could he ask his mother to help too. Not that I won't help at all but that I need help to help him. But he just said if I won't help the marriage is over. I don't not give him cookies and candy at all. But with his mother that's all he eats so when he comes here that's all hell eat. So I cut back a bit. I give him as much as I would if I'd my own child. I don't know why I've joined here or why I'm writing in this forum. I just feel lost. I don't have my own family around me cause they all live in europe. I don't seem to have support of my husband. Thank you all again for your answers and for reading my long complaints.

[RockRose]

tinytears,  you don't say the circumstances of your courtship/marriage,  but I get a very distinct feeling he married you to be a mother to his child.  I'm sure he loves you,  and values you,  but it seems to me your "job" as his partner in his mind is primarily to take care of his son.  So if you won't do that,  then he'll have to find someone else frankly.  I think that's just the reality.

I like rowdy boys,  and the way you describe this child he's not evil,  he's just rowdy.  Does he have a chance while you have him to climb on playground equipment,  tustle it up with other rowdy boys,  throw rocks,  etc.,  in appropriate settings?  He needs that every single day.  My routine with my two oldest preschoolers was to get up,  everyone have a nice leisurely breakfast,  and go out for the outing of the day.  Return home for a late lunch,  naps,  and then start dinner and afternoon family time.  We were "out",  at parks,  pools,  McDonalds playlands, the lake,    kid's museums,  friend's homes (or they'd come here) every single morning.    Every single morning.  

Mothers of girls didn't live that way, I came to learn.  But mothers of boys tended to - or they sounded like you sound.  At wits end.

Best wishes.  You have a decision to make,  and I don't think anyone would blame you if you threw in the towel and decided this isn't how  you want to spend your life.  Before you're pregnant,  this is the time to consider whether you want to leave.

If not,  that boy needs to be run around the block every day.